(note to self) read this, remember when touch,look

[anon,irresp.]

i cannot believe how self destructive someone can be

i not only retouched the one on my temple, but also new on forehead, and 2 on cheek, on eon cheek is quite big

i had, have so much responisability next week
-career
-meeting people

how quickly i changed from nothing open on my face, to the same old, scabs, postponing important meetings, postponing and most likely missing great career and personal opportunities.

if i can pass over this and start and keep up, main word is keep up.

when i mess up i should not, as i apperently do, ignore and go on. i should ingrain in my head how horrible it is to act upon this dermatillomania.

remember the pain caused to my parents, frieds, people around me ......

is also not fair to feel like i am victimized by my scars. i caused them all. each and every one.

what i have to do is accept them, and stop causing more harm.

stop being self destructive

i want to be like one or two of the few posts when a brave person just stopped, and never looked back. i stop but wallow in depression due to what others suspect, or see in my scars...

sorry for the ranting.

ok gonna start over tomorrow. i truly believed i would not make things worse. i thought i was stronger, more rational.

[tryingtoquit]

I know how you feel, I always thought I would do more with my life if I just didn't pick.

You can do it, we all can, this forum is so helpful.

Just remember that your make-up will cover up what you damaged pretty well, and do you look at people's skin when you talk to them? I don't, I look in their eyes, and I bet they'll be looking in your eyes too, so it won't be as bad as it seems to you. Another thing is be upbeat, and smile, even if it is an act. Put bright lipstick and lipliner on. That will detract anyone from looking for your imperfections.

If you haven't already, go to Walgreen's and get a nick stick I think it is called. It is a white three inch stick. It is for men who cut themselves shaving. Put it on your oozing sores. It will at least stop them from oozing so the makeup and power will stay on and you don't need to walk around with a tissue blotting the oozing.

Good luck, you will be fine.

[anon,irresp.]

i am so weak, i am so depressed. it is easier to type than write. i can't even write in my journal. its too disgusting to be able to put pen to paper and describe what is going on.

i keep remembering how just saturday, i had nothing open on my face.

now 3 days later. i have expanded the initial damage. today again, as my skin was healing, i looked and thought that there was still some inflam, pain..o that must be more stuff to squeeze out. what happened i could have never thought. i now have 1/3 or my cheek around this wound like a sunburn. i don't know why, how i pushed so hard. maybe cause i used 2.5% benzoyl peroxide? did this make the skin more sensitive? cause this does not thank god usually happen.

of course consequences....life has to stop, postpone all, risk career, social...

i will have to probably stay in 6 days to heal.

this is something that has happened many times. how can i forget and keep propagating?

i have an online diary, i will attempt to put in here. so i can probably write there and if anyone is interested to peek in.

oh and the pain: this is how i thank my mother for all her love, cooking, caring, advising and my father for his attempts at love.

this is my thanks to my friends, .......

[Canuck]

anon,irresp. said:

i am so weak, i am so depressed. it is easier to type than write. i can't even write in my journal. its too disgusting to be able to put pen to paper and describe what is going on.

i keep remembering how just saturday, i had nothing open on my face.

now 3 days later. i have expanded the initial damage. today again, as my skin was healing, i looked and thought that there was still some inflam, pain..o that must be more stuff to squeeze out. what happened i could have never thought. i now have 1/3 or my cheek around this wound like a sunburn. i don't know why, how i pushed so hard. maybe cause i used 2.5% benzoyl peroxide? did this make the skin more sensitive? cause this does not thank god usually happen.

of course consequences....life has to stop, postpone all, risk career, social...

i will have to probably stay in 6 days to heal.

this is something that has happened many times. how can i forget and keep propagating?

i have an online diary, i will attempt to put in here. so i can probably write there and if anyone is interested to peek in.

oh and the pain: this is how i thank my mother for all her love, cooking, caring, advising and my father for his attempts at love.

this is my thanks to my friends, .......

Anon. -- be strong. I know that this is so incredibly hard and exhausting and doesn't even seem worth the effort sometimes. But, you're working really hard. You are going to reward yourself for the effort.

I am definitely interested in your online diary. Please, send us the link when you feel comfortable. Perhaps we can leave you comments and well wishes and suggestions and it will aid you in beating this. I know that I'll do all that I can to help you out. I am sure that the majority of this board will do the same.

Re: the peroxide: my mom is a nurse and when my sister and I were little and would get cuts, she never treated the wounds with peroxide -- nothing but soap and water. Why? Well, apparently peroxide not only kills the germs in a cut, but it kills the healthy tissue as well, making the healing time increase rather than decrease. I'm not sure what your experience with it is (and, really, I've never used the stuff myself), but perhaps you might want to do a little research on it?

All of my best thoughts...

[anon,irresp.]

fickle [ fík’l ] (comparative fick·ler, superlative fick·lest)

adjective

changeable: likely to change, especially in affections, intentions, loyalties, or preferences


[Old English ficol “deceitful.” Ultimately from an Indo-European word meaning “hostile.”]
----------------------

i try to think why when i make somehting bad, what makes me make it worse? its that i take it upon myself to inspect and by feeling or looking, is it too inflamed, why is it still tender...
i took it upon myself to break that pimple
i took it upon myself to examine, and re-examine and then even further i took it upon myself to further manipulate my skin.

you don't need a man to define your life-ok i just threw that in there

everyone has their own train reck once in a while. what is imprtant is to get out of it and stay out.

0000

i have to learn to take myself less seriously especially on how people see my scars....casue when i will be clear i will always have my scars---don't take it too serious.y...what is important is working hard , and being good to others.

9999

its really important especially when need something to heal to NOT LOOK AT IT...i keep looking and analyzing and touching. every time i touch it i set back the time it will take to heal. allow myself to heal. by giving responsibility to god.
--------------------------------

[anon,irresp.]

OK NEW PLAN:

STARTING TODAY ON WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 12 SITTING HERE WITH OPEN WOUNDS ON MY FACE:

I WILL PLAN EVERY MOVE

IN MY HEAD I WILL DIRECT EVERY NEXT MOVE AND FOCUS ON THE ONE CURENTLY GOING ON

I STARTED THIS MORNING

NOW MAKING COFFEE
SITTING AND READING
PUTTING DISHES AWAY

TOILET--GOING TO LOOK UP SO DON'T GET TEMPTED TO LOOK AND TOUCH LEGS--JUST FOCUS ON THAT

PLAN TO TAKE SHOWER--TAKING SHOWER

[anon,irresp.]

OK NEW PLAN:

STARTING TODAY ON WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 12 SITTING HERE WITH OPEN WOUNDS ON MY FACE:

I WILL PLAN EVERY MOVE

IN MY HEAD I WILL DIRECT EVERY NEXT MOVE AND FOCUS ON THE ONE CURENTLY GOING ON

I STARTED THIS MORNING

NOW MAKING COFFEE
SITTING AND READING
PUTTING DISHES AWAY

TOILET--GOING TO LOOK UP SO DON'T GET TEMPTED TO LOOK AND TOUCH LEGS--JUST FOCUS ON THAT

PLAN TO TAKE SHOWER--TAKING SHOWER,
just walk out of the bathroom
just get dressed
took bandaid off
will allow scab to form so i can soon at least apply makeup--AND I WILL STARTING FROM NOW TRY NOT TO LOOK TOO MUCH, IF LOOK DO'NT ANALYSE, JUST ALLOW IT TO HEAL

i decided to read this website, email, look at newspaper qickly, and then study during and afte i watch a show at 11 am. everything i do is a decision.

EVERYTHING I DO IS A DECISION

AND BY FOCUSING ON IT AND REMINDING MYSELF OF WHAT I AM CURRENTLY DOING

IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO RE-EVALUATE MY DECISION AND CHANGE IT TO A MORE POSITIVE ONE OR STAY WITH IT AND REALIZE THE CONSEQUENCES AND GOAL OF THAT PARTICULAR DECISION

STUDY--GOAL
WATCH TV--RELAX

--ONCE I HEAL I PLAN TO USE MY TREADMILL 20 MINS IN THE MORNING--20 MINS IN THE EVENING FOR RELAXATION AND ADRENALIN RELEASE.

[anon,irresp.]

my problem is overanalizing

and then making the decision that it will be ok just to touch this one pimple

GOAL: analyze only and only after have makeup on. never , never without. then i usually don't analyze much casue i have makeup on to go out.