Post by rabbitmoon on Oct 20, 2003 2:23:44 GMT -5
hey everybody. i messed up. i hate having to say all this, i hate being depressing but i really need to get all this off my chest. its 2am here but i dont want to go to sleep without saying all this first. i procrastinated about putting my mirror covers up and that was a bad mistake. i should've known- i've been under way too much stress lately. i cant find a job in this peice of shit town. what little money i have is draining away on bills as i am forced to live with my parents and search for a job. its been over a month and a half now. nothing i try is working. i was being optimistic for quite awhile but it is so draining to put all of your energy into something and get nothing back. i havent lived here for a long time. living with my parents is not good for me. they arent bad people but this is a totally disfunctional family. and the fact that im the only one who will admit to that makes it ten times worse. they dont approve of my choices so i cant be myself here. i have no personal space. i cant walk out the door without questions. so much pressure and expectations- all towards things i dont even want for myself. my sister for some reason cannot comprehend why i feel this way. she acts like im being rediculous. as if that weren't irritating enough, it drives me crazy sometimes that things work out so effortlessly for her when im wallowing in bullshit. ive gotton so tired of all this-and these people who SAY their gonna hire me and will call at x time and never call so i cant ever just get the hell out of here- there's only so much cheeriness you can pull off. for the last few days, when i cant actively look for a job and have done all i could do about it, i just end up laying around, feeling like shit and thinking of stupid reasons to not call my friends. on top of that ive realized i dont know what i want out of anything, i dont know what i wanna do, i dont know if i wanna stay with my guy, i dont know if i can pull off plans i made with my best friends- my whole life has become suddenly completely uncertain and seemingly futureless. my grandparents stopped by for a suprise visit today. im not close to them and it takes a real effort on my part to relate to them. it was aweful. i just didnt have it in me. it took everything i had to not scream and run away or collapse on the floor from total emotional exhaustion. i couldnt hardley stand up against grandparents today. stand up against csp? ha! i messed up pretty badly. i know it will heal in five days tops but i feel sick about it. i am scared of the morning- and i'll wake up and remember the night before and get this horrible feeling of dread in my stomach at having to get up and face the mirror. im so sorry. of course, im ready to keep going with zt. im not giving up at all. but these next few days are going to be really hard. i know this is a really long post. thanks for listening. love, rabbitmoon.