Just feeling sorry for myself.

[FarmGirl]

I haven't been on here in well over a year now. Actually, I forgot about this site until I was cleaning up all my bookmarks and saw it there. Before when I found this site, it felt like a warm comfy blanket. No one here judged or backstabbed. So, I thought this would be a nice safe place to write some things down just to "get them off my chest."

Since 2002, I have been living in a different state far from where I grew up. Far away from childhood friends, far from any remnants of family. Finances, distance, and responsibilities at home have kept me from ever going back, and I don't see any time in the future where I will ever be able to go back. I'm homesick for a home that doesn't exist anymore. My mother is dead, my father is old and mentally ill, and brothers and sisters have their own lives in other states.

My husband had a heart attack over a year ago and has since lost his job, and subsequently his self-esteem and will to live. I have been forced to hold it together but I'm failing. Everything (except the house) we own is for sale. I have a couple of old broken-down horses who I may have to euthanize because I may not be able to feed them this winter.

I try to look on the bright side, but it's so hard with no one to talk to. Half of my paycheck goes towards health insurance alone, and that doesn't cover all of the hospital bills or cost of medication. The darned pills my husband needs cost well over $500/month. We don't have kids and therefore don't qualify for any financial assistance because, according to the govt, I make too much. We've been kicking around the idea to get divorced in order for him to qualify for medical assistance. Weak huh?

Then, I get this seething jealousy towards my well-off neighbors who just took in an exchange student from China, and they have lots of friends and family who are offering up all sorts of trips, food, gifts, and everything under the sun for them for hosting her. How wrong am I to feel that way?!

Then I see these poor people down south and I feel like I should just slit my wrists for feeling sorry for myself. So, I posted that we had a room available for a hurricaine victim, and that made me feel a little bit better.

I hate days like this. Hope you didn't waste your time reading this.

[anonymousartist]

Don't worry, it's not a waste of time for you to write or for people to read.

There's nothing wrong with feeling like everything sucks when it really does, but you gotta try your best to take care of yourself physically and mentally, because it'll help get you and your husband through this time.

I dunno about the divorce. To me, marriage is a piece of paper, not the glue that holds you together. No one says you can't re-marry when things look up.

I moved very far away when I was younger and yes, it is very hard to feel you'll never see any of it again. I left a lot of friends behind (this was pre-internet for me). I did go back and visit eventually though. I think after that I wasn't so sad about not being there; things had changed.

Try and join something, if you don't have friends there yet. There must be a hobby you enjoy that other people get together and do, and maybe you can start something new. Search the internet (also try meet-up.com ... not sure if there is a dash in there or not). You can't just let things go.

I'd be jealous of that Chinese kid. I never got spoiled like that.

But maybe everything is breaking down right now because it's time for a renewal or sorts. Let go of the old stuff and start to embrace some new. And perhaps there is a charity somewhere that can help out with the horses.

[FarmGirl]

Anonymousartist, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement

Today I broke down and cried for the first time in a long time, and I felt a lot better afterwards. Of course, my husband was there and wanted to know what was wrong. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it with him because it would only upset him. I was wrong. He sat next to me and just listened. He said he misses his friends too and we talked about how we could try to meet some people up here. The bummer of it is that we are literally in the middle of nowhere. The next biggest town is about 30 minutes away, and there really are no clubs to join other than maybe "The Y" or something, and even that costs money we just don't have right now. We're not religious at all, so it's not like we can go to church either, as our doctor has suggested.

But, after talking to each other, we both felt a little more relieved by the fact that we both feel the same way. We're going to start going out on walks, even if they are tiny ones, just to get away from the house. It's a start, a lame one, but it's something I didn't have this morning when I woke up

Thank you so much again for listening, it is truly appreciated

[Madlib]

Hello? This is my first time on this site. I was biting my nails and picking at my legs, so I went online to see how normal it is. Anyway, how does this message thing work? What do you talk about?

[FarmGirl]

Madlib, you've got it figured out Just jump on in and talk. If you've peeked around the site, you'll see that everything under the sun is talked about, not just our neurosis Nice to meet you!

[dandelion05]

Hey FarmGirl, we are always here to read anything you have to say even if you don't think it is worth it. I would give more advice but I think anonymousartist said it all, she's really good for that. I hope thinks start to get better.

[peabo]

Hang in there. Breathe, recognize your feelings and stop them (if you can). You're in a tough time and have a load of responsibility. But slitting wrists won't help - think of your husband, think of you - look for the happy things. Jealousy is normal - I feel it often towards co-workers who seem to have it all - money, a house, a carefree life. But what you see on the outside, is probably not the situation at all. Don't be jaded by your neighbor's appearance, don't envy them. Just take it a day at a time, or just an hour at a time if you need to.

[FarmGirl]

Well, since having a good cry the other day, I have been feeling a lot better. I did take a step back and looked at all the great things I have in my life, thankful my husband is alive and so far doing well, and I took a long walk with lots of fresh air. We actually drove about 40 minutes the other day to meet some other Mainer's who we met on a local bulletin board, and that was really fun. I was scared shitless of meeting someone new, but it was something we both had to do, and we are so glad we did. It was good to see that there are other people struggling just like we are and to see how they deal with things. Seems to be a sense of humor definately comes in handy, as well as an appreciation for gourmet foods such as Ramen and franks & Beans Thank you all again.

[anonymousartist]

So glad you are doing better, farmgirl! I've met a couple people off of message boards before. It is kind of scary, but I've gotten a couple good friends in the mix, and it lead to some pretty fun times that I might not have experienced otherwise.