i can't cope anymore...

[blondie88]

Well I haven't been on here for quite a while.. I've been busy and haven't had internet access, but really, I've got no place left to turn to. I can't really confide in too many people either. I don't trust many people, I'd rather place that trust in complete strangers.

I can't cope with anything. I CANT STOP PICKING! I've been doing this for sooooo long. I'm only 17 too. I've been diagnosed with stress, anxiety, and depression. I have major anxiety/panic attacks. I'm a complete perfectionist - obsessive at most times. I'm also having problems in my family which are really making me feel awful, sad and angry.. Everyday I feel like as if I'm a shadow - my mind feels clouded, and I'm always too tense. I don't know why I'm feeling like this, and I want it to stop. I don't have a social life because I don't want one. Understood, as my final school exams are coming up in only two months. I don't think I'll make it. I've been getting worse for the past year, I knew it would get worse, but I didn't expect things to be this bad. I recently had exams, and during every exam I was panicking, practically hyperventilating, shaking, etc, and I don't know what it was, but it's never happened before. I'm one of the best students in my year - and that's saying something since I attend a highly academic school. But I can NOT cope under exam conditions at all. Actually, even when I don't have exams I'm still stressed, anxious and miserable. I've been seeing my school counsellor for over half a year - I've taken and used all her advice, but I'm no less stressed, no more happier, and I'm still picking. I honestly feel like a time bomb waiting to explode.

And to top things off, I STILL can't stop picking. Usually it was only the face.. but after getting over a really bad time a few months, (I've been picking 2-3 times a week since), I've started picking EVERY single day.. for at least an hour a day, sometimes I'll have two sessions. It's also moved onto my back, scalp, legs, bum, arms, ANYTHING

And amazingly enough, I don't mind going around looking the way I do. I still layers heaps of concealer onto my scabs and scars, but I don't really care if anyone notices, especially as I've started avoiding friends and others for quite a while now. I like picking.. but I don't want to. I despise it. Now my entire body's suffering. The scabs on my face refuse to heal too. I've stopped using Retin-A since all it did was make my skin peel and made my face incredibly pale. I still use Eryacne though.

My doctor prescribed me Cipramil which I've been using for over 2 weeks - it's an anti-depressant, has anyone ever used it? I just hope it'll help me with the picking too. He's also referrered me "Urgent" to both a psychologist and psychiatrist. I've never been to either, and I'm incredibly scared. I hope they can give me advice on my picking too.

What should I do? I honestly want to get away from everything. I don't know if these can be classified as suicidal thoughts or whatever (my counsellor, doctor and parents think they are), but I just wish I could leave. Go somewhere. I don't know where, but somewhere away from everything, and especially myself. Argh!

What should I do?

[anonymousartist]

Hi blondie.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this and of course every situation is different but I feel I can relate. Don't give up here. You are getting help and that is the right step. You probably feel like you have to stop everything bad and only feel good RIGHT NOW in order to heal but that is a perfectionism thing and it's not true. You've gotta start somewhere. So think of yourself at the beginning.

It sounds like you have a classic case of test anxiety as well. You would be justified in asking to be able to take your tests under different conditions, possibly in a room all by yourself or something. It also sounds like you are under a lot of pressure and as someone who's been through the whole graduating at the top of the high school class and taking really hard classes thing, let me just tell you that it feels like it's too much because it is! It's not your fault. The AP courses I took in high school were HARDER than all my university courses, covered too much material at once, and had too high of a workload. I'm guessing you are college bound, so there is light at the end of this tunnel: you can choose a college with less workload and you will not always have to be this stressed.

Also, you're going to make it through. What's the worst case scenario? Will you fail? Maybe. But what's the worst that happens then? Does your life come to a sudden end? No. You just have to know that you're a good person and you're trying your best and it doesn't matter what others think.

Here's some things that have helped me with anxiety and stress (these have been major problems for me in my life but they are getting better).

Stress is only as bad as how you handle it. You don't have to do everything perfect or do everything at once. Allow yourself breaks from studying, working, whatever. Whatever you're freaking out about, just start (heh, this is the biggest problem for me). Set out to work for 15 minutes. You can do anything for 15 minutes! (that's from flylady.com). You'll probably get into it and keep working but make sure you take a break at least every three hours (the reason for that next):

Get good nutrition! If you're not sure how to best do that, then get a college level textbook on it (I used Nutrition: Concepts and Controversies for an online course and it was a great text, written so anyone could understand and be interested). The best thing for your metabolism and to keep your brain working properly is to eat every three hours (not a whole meal, a piece of fruit or some cut up veggies makes a great snack). Did you know your brain can't work off of stored fat? So if you haven't eaten it starts to use protein for your muscles but if you eat something with carbs your whole body will have energy and won't start eating away at your muscles. So that's what they mean by brain food. Another reason to kee yourself well-nourished is that it will help you feel better, reduce your stress and anxeity. Also worth doing some online research is the use of a vitamin pre-cursor called Inositol. Google it. I first learned about it through some threads here where people said they used it and it helped them reduce picking. While I can't be qualified to tell anyone to try the healthfood store version mixed with water (and if you use any "natural" remedies make sure you tell the doctors you are seeing who are prescribing you meds as well as your pharmacist) and I don't personally think there have been enough studies to say anything conclusive about this, I felt it did help me reduce anxiety. But I didn't take a health food store version. I looked up dietary sources (it is commonly in citrus fruits, cantaloupe, soy, wheat germ) and increased those in my diet (increasing vitamins through a dietary source is the best way to get them anyway).

Also if you're studying, you need frequent breaks (hell, get up and dance or something!) because your brain would rather absorb small bits of info. If you need any more study tips I'd be glad to give them. If you walk into an exam confident that you are prepared, I think you'll be less likely to have a panic attack (which it sounds to me that that's what's going on with you).

You should also understand what's going on when you are having a panic attack (I googled this too so you can as well of course):

When you start to percieve some kind of danger in your life (in this case, you're probably afraid you'll muck up your exam and then all sorts of hell will break loose and life will be over) your stress reaction kicks in. This is something we inherited from back in the day when people had to run from scary lions and shit. You'd precieve danger, you'd hyperventilate, making a lot of extra oxygen run into your bloodstream, and adrenaline would rush your system making you best prepared to either run outta there like mofo or fight with whatever beast you have to deal with. Now, no other time in your life then when you are freaking out like this would you be able to fight as hard or run as fast, so if a scary lion or some shit was chasing you, this would be great! And maybe something scary has happened to you before that actually causes your body to percieve extra threats (I personally went through several childhood traumas, and have had to deal with post traumatic stress disorder, which fortunately, if that is the case for you, can be treated). So anyway, you get into this test and your real problem is that you are supposed to sit there and take a test but your body is ready to take off and run or beat the crap out of something and you are hyperventilating and it all makes you feel weak in the knees but the reality is that you aren't weak at all. You are so physically jacked up that you could totally take down that test monitor if you have to! So what the hell do you do now? Well, you have to slow down your breathing to stop the hyperventillating (those people who tell you to take a deep breath are effing kidding you). This can be done by a breathing exercise, try breathing in for a count of 5 but breathing out for a count of 7. You could do the paper bag thing, but that's a little attention grabbing so I doubt you want it. I personally, hold my breath for as long as I can (which is quite a while with that much oxygen in my blood) and then feel the instant relaxation when I let it out. And repeat if needed. (Now think about this: some athletes hyperventillate on purpose before an event so they'll have more energy. There's absoultely nothing wrong with you, just wrong place, wrong time, ya know?)

Another thing about anxiety attacks is that they are totally irrational. You know this because some idiot will undoubtedly try to talk you out of it by telling you that rationally you have nothing to be afraid of. But since you're being irrational at the time, it only makes sense that this doesn't work! Your best line of defense is the breathing exercises and distracting yourself. Sometimes I feel better with some good music or some gum. I even tried a cigarette during an anxiety attack once and two puffs and it was gone (of course, this can't be a good regular remedy because if you think about it once you get addicted you'd probably feel anxious every time you needed one and the good effect would be gone, but nicotine also increases memory and concentration abilities, so hell if you can get away with it, a cig before an exam probably wouldn't be a bad idea). Or maybe just take something with you to do before a test. Or make yourself a study sheet and quietly review things. I hate those people who come in and start quizzing each other, makes me nervous!

And if your mind suddenly goes blank, don't worry! It's just that your body in that panic state has totally gone into an instinctual mode. It's taken over and everything will go on automatic and you'll know the answers to the test again when the questions come if you just go with it. Since you did well before and you didn't have this problem forever I would bet anything it's all just because there's a lot more pressure on you. It's not your fault. It happens to lots of people and it doesn't indicate how smart you are.

You have to adopt a "shit happens," "It's just a test" attitude. Soon you're gonna be away from your parents and you're gonna find out that life bites you in the ass. If it's not one thing it's another. But things happen and you deal with them, and it's OK! I mean, if my car didn't get a parking ticket one year it got TOWED the next. Yeah it cost a buttload of money to get it back and I felt like a schmuck but it happens. Things will always happen. We don't always have to make the smartest decisions.

And I'm not sure if you're having suicidal thoughts if you're not actually thinking of suicide as a way out (and if you're not, please don't start. It is a slippery slope, and if you need convincing not to, just think how sad it would make the people who love you if you did). All I wanted to do at the end of my last school year was hide or run away (I'd like to do that right now). I slept a lot, I vegged out a lot, and I went through it and then I found it was actually helping me be more creative. So, it's not the worst thing to go with your body's inclinations.

You also need to get out and get some moderate exercise. Take an hour long walk every day (I bring music) if you can. It'll give you time to process things in a healthy way.

You don't have to make every decision about life right now.
You don't have to be the best at everything (or anything).
You don't have to implicate all these things at once (in fact you probably can't)
You don't have to stop picking all at once and forever. A little at a time will see results. Every time you do less you are reducing your habit, but you are also using picking as a coping mechanism to deal with stress so it's time to find another way (the exercise is also good for that).
Trust that you can come back from this. Trust that you'll be ok even if you are having a panic attack (they will always pass).
It's ok to be scared -- Everyone gets scared! Remind yourself that everyone feels nervous (it really helps me not to feel so nervous).
The only thing you have to be is yourself.
Stay nourished, stay hydrated, get enough sleep, have healthy eating habits, and healthy thoughts.

Hope some of that helps. (I'm still trying to help myself with a lot of this but I have made progress). Do you still have a year of high school to go? I think you should lighten your load and find some fun classes, I really do. Put your quality of life over academics because it's really not going to matter ten years from now if you made the best grade on something, but it will matter if you get to explore the subjects you really care about.

[blondie88]

Wow anonymousartist for replying! That calmed me down alot, and made me reconsider quite alot of things.
In response to your question: no, this is my final year of school, I'm actually in Australia. All the subjects I'm taking are probably the most difficult there are :S No joke. But I enjoy them! And sometimes will even do extra work for fun. :S I'm a bit of a nerd..
I also wanted to note: my school counsellor is constantly telling me that I'm irrational at times. I see her quite often, but sometimes I kind of.. break down infront of her? Usually I don't show my emotions, but sometimes I just start crying, talking strangely, and acting completely crazy.

I eat quite well, very healthily, and actually.. I'm always trying to lose weight. I know I've already got a pretty low BMI, but I'd still like to lose a bit more. I would really feel much better about myself. About 3-4 months ago I went through a purging stage - I'd throw up everything I ate. It started off as once a week, but up until about 1 month ago it got to everyday, until I finally stopped. Before that I used to excercise obsessively - sometimes I'd do cardio for well over an hour. Now I don't have much time for exercise (aside from walking at school, to home, etc), and I'm not eating very much anymore. I've lost only 2.5kg (about 5.5lbs) due to my decreasing food intake, but I still want to lose another 3kg. I don't think, I think I have bullimic and anorexic tendancies.. along with the very low self-esteem and all.

Basically in Australia, these final exams will give me a final mark out of 100 - my University admissions mark. Here it's treated pretty big, and basically this is what'll determine what course I get into when I go to uni. My expectations are incredibly high, and I really don't know what I'll do if I don't get the mark I want. My parents don't really put much pressure on me (they've always preferred my older brother), but I despise it when people tell me that "oh don't worry, do your best, etc etc" as to me its an insult to my intelligence. That I'm not capable of doing it.

A bit of history on me - I used to be the very shy nerdy girl with glasses. Then I got contact lenses, became popular, started going out with guys (both of whom played on my innocent and vulnerable emotions), started hanging out with a girl with an awful reputation whose influence started rubbing off me, (but not completely, I'm not weak) then after a year I ended the friendship, and since then (2 years) I've been a complete loner, completely uninterested in guys, and only interested in my studies.

I hope this puts things more into perspective..

[ashenn]

hey blondie, welcome back.

you sound so determined. and very intelligent. i'm sorry you're feeling so unsettled.

i used to feel the same way when people would tell me not to stress about grades or art or whatever. i felt like they just couldn't understand how important it was to me and that they had no business telling me to chill out about it. but, really, it's just that they don't understand, not that they're insulting your intelligence or ambition.

i have two suggestions. one is to not attach yourself so heavily to results. i am 22 years old and am just figuring out that not many things-- in fact, quite a tiny percentage-- of things turn out the way i hope/desire/expect them to. i have to constantly remind myself that i am not omniscient and so, not responsible for everything that happens in my life. to echo Becca's advice, things will happen to you, and all you can do is deal with it the best you can. the rest of the responsibility you are allowed to give back to this ridiculous, wonderful universe. if you attach yourself to an ideal-- 'i will get this grade, i will be this weight, etc'-- than you're actually cutting out a lot of experience for yourself. things do not have to be a certain way for them to still be great....there are many shades of great!! experience as many as you can by NOT defining every moment for yourself.

second, with picking, i think it's important for people to realize that it's a learned process. it is very, very, very difficult to stop the brain--physically--from engaging in learned behavior. the answer to combat this is to contrast the learned behavior with another learned response. that response can be anything, even doing nothing, as long as you do it conciously. everyone has coping mechanisms-- for pickers our coping mechanism for stress/anxiety/excitement is to pick and mangle our skin. your brain is only doing what you've taught it to do with the chemicals it produces. teaching it to do something else will be a long, arduous process, not unlike studying or excersising. you just have to take your determinism and turn it on re-training yourself instead of destroying yourself. the initiative is there, it's just misdirected. the reason i'm listing this suggestion second is that you HAVE to stop attaching your happiness to results to stop picking. part of the mechanism of picking is that you have to 'control' blemishes-- it is not possible. there are millions of processes going on in your body at any given moment, and you can not control them all. does this mean you have no influence whatsoever over what your body does? no. it just means that your influence is limited, and that isn't your fault.

so i'll tell you again in the most uplifting way, please don't worry girl. just do your best. i could spend forever stressing about why i'm not as beautiful as i'd like to be, but then my life wouldn't be very interesting or enjoyable, and i don't want that...so it's really not worth it.

<3

[Stef (Incubabe)]

First of all...

IM me sometime: Aim: Incubabe1587
Yahoo: Incubabe1787
MSN: [e-mail]

Second of all, you sound a lot like me. I went through a stage where I wanted to lose weight, so I would eat just one meal a day, if that. I would chart my success by how hungry I felt and how little I ate. However, since then I've got my nutrition on track. I can honestly tell you that if you want to lose weight, provided it's healthy, you need to eat. You need to consume the needed amount of calories daily, and you need to get the proper nutrition for your metabolism to work properly. By not eating, the only thing you are losing is muscle. You are not losing any fat. Because of the lack of food, your body turns to your muscles to gain the protein it needs. So instead of losing fat, you are losing muscle. So you may reach your target weight, but you will not have lost fat.

However, if you balance regular exercise with good nutrition, you will gain muscle, burn fat, and even though you might maintain the same weight, you will lose inches, look and feel better, and be more healthy all-around.

If you want some suggestions on what to try as far as exercise goes and nutrition, I can lend some advice. I'm not any kind of certified anything, but I know from experience what works.

I'm 18 and I too cannot stop picking. I start college on Friday and I'm freaked out. I was hoping to get this under control by then, but I think the college atmosphere, and living with another person will help me to stop this thing.

Again, if you'd like to talk, you can IM me. Or you can email me at [e-mail]

:-)

[blondie88]

I really appreciate everyone's replies I know your kind words will support me much more than anyone elses, since we're all in similar situations.

Yesterday I went to the psychologist my doctor referred me to, and I don't think I'll be going back. Not only did I have to pay $160, (my family isn't too well off financially) but also, I was only there for about half an hour, since the psychologist took about 5 phone calls during the session. :S All I found out was that I've got quite alot of things contributing to my anxiety/depression, (which I already knew), and that about 5-6 sessions would "help" me. She didn't even address my picking. My school counsellor was waaay more helpful! I've also got an appointment to see a psychiatrist next week, luckily I can claim some of the $180 I'll be paying, and hopefully they'll be able to help me with the picking more.

I actually feel much calmer than I used to - probably because of the Cipramil. I've had really bad family problems these past 2 weeks (brother moving out of home, constant fighting between parents and brother, everyone in the family feeling depressed), but I'm not getting aggressive like I used to, especially after a picking session. I think I might be too worn out psychologically to be emotional. The major scabs I had on one side of my face are healing up, and I'm trying not to pick, except I've allowed myself a max of 5 spots a day, or at least only picking around my hairline or nose. It's going well so far, I didn't have to use as much concealer today as I usually do!

But I still feel that "cloud" thing. It's hard to describe; like as if my mind is muddled and dense. Too many things, too many thoughts, and I can't clear it up. Kind of like a constant headache, but it's not really painful. I think this is the reason I've been having trouble concentrating for the past few months. I can't stop it, I want to be able to clear and "refresh" my mind.

Has anyone ever felt this before?

[janecitizen]

Hey Blondie

I can relate to you in more ways than one. I did the HSC last year and I know what you're feeling all too well! I'm not one of those people that can handle pressure, and I spent practically every night of last year either fighting with my parents or crying myself to sleep. The constant testing and pressure from everyone saying "the HSC is the most important exam you'll ever undertake" was too much for me, and of course the picking became worse. Everything in my life became worse and I felt like there was just no way out. The only way I can describe it is that it's like you're wading through thick mud and you feel like you're being held down against your will.

I just want you to know that the HSC is nowhere near as difficult as it sounds, and it is definitely not the end of the world. I was top of my year too, but still I was convinced I would fail miserably. Turns out I was pleasantly surprised, and got a UAI of 92...12 points above the cut off for my course at uni. You'll probably do even better than I did because I took all the so called 'easy subjects' (though I took them very seriously)....Ancient and Modern History, Art and 4U English. The exams themselves feel exactly like the half yearly and trial exams, so instead of going in there thinking 'Oh my God...this is IT!" just treat it like any other exam and you'll be laughing!

I truly envy you in that you don't care what everyone thinks about your picking. I have mixed emotions when people stare...anger, humiliation, frustration, sadness...you get the picture. All I want to do is be able to walk out the door without having to spend an hour covering my face in makeup (which does little to conceal it anyway) just to appear half presentable to the world! So good on you for not caring!

I find this problem so very contradictory. I mean, we're all perfectionists here...we strive for perfection and yet we're doing the exact opposite to ourselves by making ourselves appear ugly. It's really a strange way of dealing with things and the worst part is, it makes us feel even worse about everything. I'm still trying to get my head around why I do it!

Aaaanyway...back to my point....you have two months to go. Please don't give up now....it will be over soon. I know...it seems strange to think that there's actually life after the HSC! I really do know how it feels to be in your position right now, only I have the benefit of hindsight to know that it will be fine and that you will do well if you want it bad enough.

[blondie88]

Amazing! I never would've imagined that there'd be someone from Australia on this board, let alone someone doing the HSC! Janecitizen, I'm taking pretty difficult and stressful subjects - 4U maths, physics, chemistry.. hehe. I'm probably the only one in my maths class who enjoys the subject though, and doesn't only do it because of the good scaling. I also don't have any coaching/tuition because I'm willing to learn on my own, and do pretty well too. Everyone else who's doing 4U maths at my school has coaching, and it sort of makes me feel dumber in comparison, I'm also not treated fairly by the other students. I think my expectations are a bit TOO high, I'm aiming for a 98+UAI, I know that I can get it very easily, but my anxiety/depression and other problems (picking, eating disorder, family issues) are really making things difficult. They're not just excuses, I'm just really having trouble coping with everything in my life, especially myself. I feel so unstable.

I had trials about a month ago, and oh it was awful! I completely broke down during my 2 maths exams, and was on the verge of crying during Physics. I spent the holidays before my trials crying, and my dad almost took me to the hospital on one of my really bad "psychotic" days.

The picking still gets to me, but I think the "i don't care anymore" feeling I've been having for a while now has eased up my initial anger after a picking session. Today my skin looks good, well I picked 2 spots, but they were genuine (just tiny white dots, nothing underground), and from those I won't get further inflammation. But in terms of appearance, I'm pretty obsessive. I ALWAYS have to look perfect. On a bad day, I layer so much concealer and foundation on my face, even if I end up orange or with weird patches I don't care, as long as the scabs aren't visible. I prefer a flat, raw wound rather than a healing scab with a bit of skin protecting it. It takes me around 30-45mins on a bad day, and up to 5 mins on a good day to put on makeup.

I wish I could stop. I wish we could all stop. I think being constantly occupied is a good strategy - since then there won't be any time to pick. Gosh, I wish this worked for me though.

[janecitizen]

Hey Blondie ;D

I know...I thought there weren't many Aussies on here either! I don't normally come on here often, but for the past two days my skin has been looking better than it has for months so I figured I'd come on here and see how everyone else is going.

You seriously picked crazy subjects haha! You're practically guaranteed high 90's with those, if you get 80 - 90's in them. Do you actually need a 98+ UAI to get into the course you want or are you just aiming high? Because really, at the end of the day all you can really do is try the very best you can...and if that isn't 98 (it may be 97...how awful ) then at least you know you did everything you possibly could.

I can't believe it takes you 5 minutes on a good day to apply makeup! Far out! It takes me 20 - 30 minutes on a good day (and it's been a while, believe me) and around 45 - 50 minutes on a really bad day. The longest it ever took me was an hour and a half and I was so stressed by the end of it that I just didn't go out. That was a while ago now. Oh, and I'm so glad I'm not the only one who ends up with orange splotches on my face...it's so embarassing but it's got to better than if I walked around without makeup....the very thought is horrifying!


Anyways, I'd better focus on this assignment I'm doing...it's due tomorrow and I'm not even half way through

[Stef (Incubabe)]

I used to feel the same cloudy feeling. Like you want to start over with a clean state and a fresh mind. They only way I was able to do that was to engross myself in music. I love music, so it helps me a lot.

Also, I've noticed that being dormed at college is helping me a lot. I spend a lot of time studying and going to class. I spend time with my friends. I come back to the dorm tired at night. I work out in the afternoons and take quick showers because it's weird showering in the same bathroom as other people. And I notice that I don't have time alone to even consider picking.

Anyway. Just relax. If you want to refresh your mind, do just that. Forget about all the little things stressing you, turn on your favorite band, or ask me for a good suggestion, and then just chill. :-)