Relapse.. and frustration

[lorieann75]

I wish I could "erase" the past half hour. At this point, I'm grateful I didn't go for the "full" hour. Generally, my face is no more a target of my SP than any other part of the body. In my wacky nitpicking (no pun intended!) way- all "imperfections must be addressed". I have to laugh when people are unsurprised to find my profession is infact picking out errors and flaws in programs and software. lol. I excel at it, because it's my obsession I suppose.

I was doing very well really, until this morning. I've been growing increasingly more depressed, my OCD/SP has only made this worse, in that my fear of leaving the house is heightened by my puffy, tortured skin. In Miami, there is no option for wearing a nice long sleeved cardigan and hiding your arms.. if I did I'd sweat to death lol. So.. it makes it all the easier to find reasons and excuses to stay inside. In this safe little "bubble". However, the old worries, fears, anxieties don't just magically "go away" by staying in, any more than the OCD "improves" by giving in to the compulsion to pick. But this morning I got some news that really just threw me for a loop. There is a long backstory behind it, but to keep things brief, my fiance and I have had a VERY long "engagement". Primarily due to finances and health issues, our wedding has been delayed over, and over, and over again. This has become an area of great insecurity to me, and increased my overall anxiety. Well, this morning I got an invitation to my sisters wedding. (she too has been divorced) She took up with her fiance long after I met mine, and they've had a ton of relationship problems. Yet they are managing, on one income to "make it happen". Without going into it further, I'm disgusted with myself for not finding it inside me to be happy for them both, especially my sister whom I love very much. That instead I focus on my own "failure" and lack of contentment. It's just.. a bad time. My relapse today was pretty bad. I found perhaps TWO actual "pimples" on my face, and 30 mins later my entire face is covered in swollen bumps, tiny bleeding spots, and the usual stinging pain. I used buffing cream after all that (as IF that helped, it only further irritated my skin) and then applied way too much moisturizer in a desperate effort to "conceal and heal" the dmg I'd just done, from my fiance. Pointless. Stupid. Then with one actually bright idea, I applied a cool washcloth (wet) to my face and relaxed for a few. Thinking of how it's NOT the end of the world, and I'll start over again later. But right now- this moment- my face is burning, itching, miserable and I can honestly say my "outside" now feels and looks as "miserable" as my inside. I guess I took the news this morning harder than I expected.

[tina]

lorieann,

I know how you feel. My boyfriend's best friend is getting married this summer and this caused me to be jealous, angry and resentful. I worked through it though, talked to my boyfriend about my feelings and realized that I was being selfish and childish.

I have been in a long distance relationship for five years and you want to talk about the relationship moving slow? He is finally planning to come to live with me in a few months.

I eventually realized that everything that has happened (or not happened) to us was for a reason. I have taken this five years as a sabbatical. I got to know myself, grew emotionally and spiritually and learned that I don't need anyone to save me, but that I can save myself. I think once we are together, our relationship will be that much more quality because I am independent. I only want him in my life to add to it, not so that I can depend on him for my happiness.

I had a series of stressors recently and I picked and picked and picked. A vicious cycle because feeling so ugly and unattractive made me more stressed. But I have managed to not pick for 8 whole days.

Keep writing about what is going on in your life and count your blessings. When I am feeling upset, I write a "gratitude" list. I write about all of the blessings in my life, including the gut-wrenching pain that causes me to grow and change.

I wish you luck.

Tina

[lorieann75]

Thanks for your response Tina. I understand exactly what you are saying about your own reaction. I think seeing all too clearly how selfish my response is- is really the worst part of it all. Instead of hating myself for it though- I'm trying to send the message of "it's ok to be disappointed and to feel envious sometimes' because I know I am my own worst critic- and I have to be mindful not to "beat myself up" even worse than usual

However, as time passes I am almost always able to put aside my own fears & anxieties and feel genuinely happy for others. I recently went through something quite similar when a family member became pregnant. That too is another lifelong dream I have yet to make a reality.