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Post by blondie88 on Apr 21, 2005 4:22:18 GMT -5
just a note: this is INCREDIBLY long!
i've been skin/acne picking for approx 4 years (I'm 17) and in the past few months it's alot gotten worse. i cant stop. i pick everyday.
I've never had bad acne except for a few practically invisble bumps on my forehead, but I've spent at least AU$120 on acne treatments. im a perfectionist so i pick at everything. I use the end of my tweezers, wash everything, and apply acne treatment (RetinA and Eryacne) when im done. I don't spread anything, but incorrect squeezing leads to sore infected red spots.
It's really ruining my life. I've always been quiet and studious, but im actually very attractive (even though i have to wear heaps of foundation because of my skin), and get alot of male attention. But over the past year I've become almost completely antisocial, I avoid functions or social outings because of my face. I'm miserable, depressed and agitated, especially after a session of picking.
I really despise myself. i've tried everything, making calenders where I'd mark off how many days I didn't pick, stickers reminding myself not to pick, I've hidden my tweezers and all my mirrors so i'd forget about them, but nothing works! The longest I've ever been these past 2 yrs without picking AT ALL was 6 days!
My parents dont help either - they say its my problem and I'll grow out of it, like I did with my nail biting (which i did for 10yrs, i still do occasionally). They laugh at me, and think I'm stupid. I've tried getting them to help - every so often my mum yells out, "Are you picking?" but she doesn't go and check - usually I am picking though.
Evertime I do it I tell myself STOP! I scream at myself, everything, but I can't! I know I'm ruining my skin - my skin is a lightly tanned golden colour, but my face is very pale uneven pink. Plus I've got heaps of scars too. I've made so many promises to myself to stop picking, but I've never kept them.
I'm on school holidays now and i've limited myself to picking at 5 spots a day, and only those that i know won't get infected (I'm an expert at distinguishing what'll be fine and clear the next day, and what won't).
Anyways my skin was beginning to look good, and I was getting less of the spots that I usually pick (ive been on RetinA for 1.5 months, HEAPS of spots have already disappeared, and there are still more to go!). But today.. well I did a bit in the morning which was ok, but this evening I got pretty stressed out and went for a 2 hour picking session. I didnt want to do my forehead and cheeks, because if I do they usually end up red and infected for about a week, but I did everything!!! And I COULDNT stop myself at all!
Ive realised that I pick the most during the school year - I'm in my final year, I'm a high achiever with very high expectations, but I'm incredibly stressed to the point that I've already had 6 breakdowns - all because of my face picking, and I know there'll be more to come. I think its the stress which is making me pick. else I've fallen into a severe skin picking disorder. I won't see my GP because I mentioned it to him 3 years ago and he laughed at me, saying that I'll grow out of it.
I'm sorry if this all sounds stupid, but I really don't know what to do! I'm a miserable grouch everyday! Please help me, should I see a psych? My parents just laugh at me, maybe they're right and maybe I am just an idiot? Please please help me...
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Post by hoppe on Apr 21, 2005 5:14:57 GMT -5
Hi Blondie Welcome to the board!  Thank you for sharing your story. There is no doubt in my mind that you have CSP. You are not an idiot and this is not something you will grow out of and your parents are the idiots for laughing at you when you are asking for help for something as serious as this. I am really sorry they and your GP do not want to understand this. It makes me sad and also a little angry. When I started picking I asked for help too and experienced the same thing - nobodoy took it seriously. I often wonder - what if I had gotten help and this would not have grown out of hand.... . Since you are in school, is it possible to see a counselor? I don't know how the system works where you are from ... I guess it is Australia, since you write AU$ ... If there is any way you can get to talk to a psychologist I would do it. You need to have help with this. You said you already had 6 breakdowns - what do your parents say to that? Do they understand it was because of the picking? Doesn't it make them understand how serious this is? Maybe you might tell them about CSP - and show them information you can find on the internet? They might still not get it, but you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. I wish I could suggest something to make things better right now for you. I see you have tried a lot already, including trying to get rid of your tweezers. Try to spend less time in the bathroom and change the light there to something soft so you do not see yourself as clearly. You can try counting days again, maybe with the help of a partner you find here on the board. It helps to have someone to be accountable to. Wishing you all the best! And please let us know how thing are going. hoppe |
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Post by Angelfish on Apr 21, 2005 13:25:55 GMT -5
Hi Blondie88, I hope you are able to get some solace out of this board as I have. It's good that you have recognized the picking is a problem. You are not the only one who picks. Picking has impacted my social life too. I haven't had a boyfriend in years. I just don't have the confidence, even though I have been told I am pretty.
Picking is automatic for me too. I am trying to work on interrupting the cycle of thought that leads me to pick. I think cognitive behavioral therapy holds a lot of promise for the picking.
I wish that people would see this as a problem that impacts people's lives, not as a minor habit. I hate it when people brush me off when I say I pick. People also say its something that I could change if I had enough will power. I don't think it's a matter of will power. I am very willful and still I pick.
My advice is this: get help early and often. Go to a therapist. Try medication. Make your parents listen. If your GP doesn't listen, find another doctor who will. Don't let years go by.
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Post by blondie88 on Apr 21, 2005 19:57:00 GMT -5
Wow thankyou for your replies! Yes, as soon as school gets back I'm going to see the counselor, but I'm afraid to mention my skin picking problem because it seems pretty stupid. One of my teachers knows that I'm stressed, and she gave me a few handouts on how to cope with it, but it didn't work for me. Since its my final year, and I'm doing all the most advanced subjects offered, my stress levels are continuously rising. I also have alot of willpower, but when I pick, my stress levels rise to a maximum, and I breakdown completely. And what I hate is that in the past week when I've only picked a bit, not the main spots, my skin looked so GOOD! the RetinA cream had smoothed away almost all of the teeny bumps I had on my forehead, but I had to go and dig everything up. Argh!! I'm going to try not picking today... hope I can keep this promise.
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Post by blondie88 on Apr 23, 2005 2:51:14 GMT -5
just another follow up: umm well its been about 2-3 days since my last major picking session, I've been picking barely anything (ie max 5 spots a day), and today my face was looking alot better, but then I had to go and pick everything again! ARGH!!! I honestly don't know why I did it, I still had scabs but somehow managed to dig up stuff from them too. My already too sensitive skin (from picking and using RetinA) is sooo red and sore now. ARGH!! Why do I do this?!?! I didn't want to do it!  Sometime ago my parents used to be able to say, "oh she's been picking again", or "look how pretty your face looks when you don't pick" but now my face is in a constant state of scabs and scars. I actually made a bet with my mum on the 6th of April that if I didn't pick ANYTHING until the 6th of May (my birthday) she'd give me $50. Lol I broke it in 3 days. There's less than 2 weeks to my birthday now and I know my face won't improve, even if I don't pick. I honestly hate myself so much. I can't even bring myself to study! Usually I'm a complete geek and study all the time because I love learning, but I can't concentrate at all. It's been like this for over half a year - that's why I've failed 2 important exams already! And then I get so stressed and start picking again! Should I just wait till school gets back and I see my school counselor? I don't know if they'll be able to help me, or if they'll just laugh at my problem. |
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Post by hoppe on Apr 23, 2005 2:59:47 GMT -5
Blondie
I am really sorry. Believe me I know so well how you feel. Just picked last night without wanting to.... . My face is in pain and I am too .... .
I was wondering how long time it takes before school starts again? If it is not too long you might wait to see the counselor there. Otherwise maybe you can talk to your parents again if they will allow you to see a therapist outside the school? If your mother is willing to bet money with you, convince her that putting the money into therapy will help you much more. Oh, and don't be afraid anybody will laugh at you. It is possible that the counselor has not heard about CSP (which would surprise me, since I assume it is quite common among young people), but even if, he/she should be trained to take whatever problem you have seriously and help you with it.
Wishing you all the best.
hoppe
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Post by blondie88 on Apr 23, 2005 3:08:40 GMT -5
I've got 3 days left before school starts - and I've got a major assignment which I keep on delaying because of my moods/stress. I doubt my parents will let me see a therapist. They're incredibly conservative and overprotective of me, so that's probably why don't treat my picking problem seriously. Plus they've got too much on their minds with my 24yo brother who's finally trying to have some freedom but they're (esp my dad) are being incredibly controlling over him. They fight with him everyday. I wouldn't want them to waste more time with me.
I think I will see my counselor, but I'm really scared. I know its confidential and all, but he would probably tell my teachers - they usually do. And if he tells my parents.. well they don't like other people knowing about what goes on at home. "what happens in the house stays in the house" - that's their policy. I'm afraid it would put me into even greater stress/bad moods.
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Post by hoppe on Apr 23, 2005 3:56:00 GMT -5
Hmm, sounds like your parents are going to be a tough case. I don't know about counselors, but I understand your fear that a counselor might end up telling your teachers. I am not sure they are allowed to, but they might do it anyway. In that case it would actually be really good if your parents would let you see a therapist outside school - then they would be sure that everything stays confidential!! Maybe you could even consider a psychiatrist. It might be that medication could help you.
I understand things are tough with your brother and everything and that you might not be able to convince them. I am sorry about that. Sounds to me like you do not really get the attention from your parents that you deserve. They just expect you to do well and don't pick and study a lot .... . Expect you to be the good girl that you probably always have been.
Please, for your own sake, bring it up with them at least once - ask if they might let you see a therapist. It is for your own sake. I don't want to scare you - but a lot of people on this board have had this disorder for many many years, decades sometimes, and if there is something they all wish for it is the possibility to go back in time to when it all started and change the course of things. You have that possibility. You can end this now and don't let CSP become your lifelong companion.
I am sorry if I preach to much. It just breaks my heart that so many people suffer from this and I so badly wish things to get better for them. I know I cannot handle living like this anymore. It is not a life.
hoppe
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Post by blondie88 on Apr 23, 2005 4:02:48 GMT -5
hey hoppe, I just jokingly suggested to my mum if i should see a therapist for my stress and CSP, but she, thinking i was serious, went off at me saying that it's too expensive, too embarressing, it'll interfere with my schoolwork, that i'll grow out of it, that it's just a phase, that my parents never had those sorts of problems with my brother (although he used to have very severe acne) etc etc. I won't even ask my dad because I know his reaction will be alot worse. My parents have always paid alot more attention to my brother than me anyway. I've been doing everything on my own. I guess I'll just wait for my school counselor then.
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Post by hoppe on Apr 23, 2005 4:15:08 GMT -5
Blondie, I am really sorry.
I often wonder what makes parents become like this. I know for sure if I had a child that had a problem I would do absolutely everything in my power to help. After all, your happiness must be in their best interest. How can you mother say that it will interfere with your school work? Your picking is the thing that interferes with your school work.
Well, I think the counselor seems to be the best option right now. I hope he at least will take you seriously. Tell him how the picking is the reason for you failing two exams. That must make him understand. If he does not know CSP, compare it to cutting. It is very similar I think, in both cases releasing emotions by causing physical damage to yourself. I know this can be really scary. But you have to tell him how you really feel inside and how much this interferes with your life - otherwise he might also just assume that you will 'grow out of it'. How I hate that phrase by the way. It is a way of not taking people serious and diminishing their problems that makes me angry. Just because some problems might be resolved with time it does not mean that you should not take care of them right here and now if it is possible to do so.
hoppe
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Post by ameise as guest on Apr 23, 2005 13:39:20 GMT -5
hi Blondie88-
I just wanted to agree with hoppe that you really do have an opportunity to get CSP under control while you are still young...
I think hoppe already suggested this, but if your parents (or later the counselor) doesn't understand that this isn't just associated with teenage-acne, perhaps you can print out some info from the internet... or tell them about the people who have written to you on this board....
so many of us are similar - perfectionists, have done well in school, put pressure on ourselves or get pressure from outside, etc... please try to convey to whoever you talk to that is not just a phase... it really becomes an obsession, a mental-pattern that is very hard to get out of.
I started picking in my teens & am now 31 and I have never been able to be completely free of picking... I don't mean to scare you or sound negative, though --over the last year I have gone to a therapist & come to his board & it has been very helpful
-- this really is a problem that other people can help you with.
good luck
ameise
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Post by blondie88 on Apr 23, 2005 18:46:53 GMT -5
hey ameise my parents are impossible to get anything through. My brother's already tried to give them a print out of psychological info concerning "dysfunctional families, controlling and powerful parents etc "- which is what they are, but they just went off at him and refused to read it, their excuse being that they can't read english too well (I'm eastern European). They don't understand that CSP is a psychological disorder because they're waaaay too traditional. This morning they went off at me and said that I pick because I've got nothing else to do. Basically that I'm too bored. But that's not true! My dad said he's going to write a list of rules I have to follow (he's already done it for my brother), and that I have to stop studying all the time, do more chores, help my parents more, and be happy not miserable. Ugh. They're crazy. All this stress and I'm expected not to snap?! Today I'm starting the Two-headed CSP Colouring Chart I'm so excited already. I really hope I don't crack. I want to make it through this time. |
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Post by Stef (Incubabe) on Apr 24, 2005 2:31:21 GMT -5
First of all, I think you're me. LOL
I've tried all the things you have. The calendar, the 5 spots a day. I found that if I allowed 5, I would end up being like, "That one didn't count, I didn't get anything." and then I'd cheat. lol
But I'm the same way. I have my prom in 2 weeks and I'm like...AGGHHH!! Must stop!
My biggest help is actually coming from someone I barely know. I have an internet friend (as creepy as that sounds) who is constantly checking up on me. He won't let me sleep without making sure I'll go right to bed; he talks to me when I'm down so I won't pick; and he calls me when he knows I'm vulnerable and talks to me until I fall asleep. It helps because being around 24/7 isn't something my boyfriend can do for me. He's there most of the time, but I don't like to bother him at night. This friend, who's name happens to be Ryan just like my boyfriend (lol) is an hours difference from me so it's always an hour earlier where he is; he wants to be a psych so he's a huge help; and he's always awake late at night with me.
Now, I'm available to talk to; whenever you feel like you want to pick but wish you had something to take your mind off it. I can give my cell number to anyone on here if you PM me for it. My AIM is Incubabe1587 and yahoo is Incubabe1787. I'm usually always on. :-)
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Post by blondie88 on Apr 24, 2005 3:19:08 GMT -5
Hi Incubabe Wow that's great to have a friend like that! I've got a really close male friend who I always chat with online - he's a great guy and always helps me when I'm feeling down - basically he's always there for me. He knows alot of my secrets, some private things I'd never tell anyone else, but I'm still too scared and unsure about telling him of my CSP because I'm afraid his opinon of me might change. It would be alot better to chat with fellow pickers, but unfortunately I don't use AIM, Yahoo Messenger or ICQ anymore, I only use MSN now. Nevertheless, I feel so fortunate to have found this forum. It's been only a few days since I started coming here but it's already helped and motivated me so much! Thanks everyone for your wonderful advice! |
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Post by Stef (Incubabe) on Apr 24, 2005 15:21:49 GMT -5
It really helps to know that there are other struggling just like you. I don't frequent the boards often - usually only with good news now since I've splattered my depression stages all over this place somewhere - but it really helps me to know that other people do the same thing. I'm actually surpsised to see how many people actually are on this board.
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