i'm crashin again, help

[neuromancer]

help you guys... i don't know where to direct my thoughts or how to get out of this. i know all the stuff about the rainbows after the rain but there's nothing good left in my life. i'm not pretty anymore and i'm too fat to fit into any of my clothes or convey the aesthetic image that best reflects my personality. years of drinking and drugging have left deep lines and scars and bags and sags in my 27 year old face and i have hairs on my upper lip and chin that i cant get rid of. i'm not good at writing anymore cause i smoke too much pot (only thing that helps my depression) and don't read anymore (my ADD prevents it unless I live alone...can't afford it cause too fat to model and too slow to waitress). boys don't like me anymore, my family only nags to show their love, they denigrate me for where i am at my age and how i waste their money (i'm trying to make it as an actress after struggling through school). no matter how i try i cant lose the weight, eaTINgs the only thing that has excitement anymore. i cant jog in my neighborhoodcause it's swarming with judgemental people that can put figurative knives through my heart with one critical sentiment (and it has been proven to me that they will do just that given the chance). i only want to drink and drink and drink and drink until i die but i cant even do that right now, not letting myself. all the friends and people i love the most are heavy heavy drinkers and horrrible at helping me be sober (just for ten days!!!!!) i have no money and a ten thousand dollar cc debt and am considering prostitution... i think at least ill have some money... at least then ill be getting paid for what has happened to me in the past against my will while drunk off my ass cause it's the only thing that helps me through my insecurity... my skin is the worst i haver ever seen and i will never have enough money for a nose job which is the only way to feel pretty again...
i am programmed not to think anything good abt myself unless i have some outside approval from a boy, i have none right now cause i insist on only being attracted to boys in bands, that leave all the time... i swear ive tried other realtionships they just dont do it for me sexually it's like i'm not even a heterosexual i'm a musisexual...it's not a lie. if music isn't their life, i don't want to be part of it anyways... i'm so bored and lonely without wellbutrin and alcohol and without being able to leave my room cause of this bloated body and red puffy face. i wish i had heroin or something that strong,i wish... i could magically melty off this weight and magically reverse my skin to its pretty milkiness of 18 but i will never look like that again it's over and i have nothing left to offer this world i am a nuisance, all consumption no production. i am jealous and mad about the girls my age who produce and have people cossetting them and rich parents who drink with them and dont make them feel bad about themselves and let them be creative and support their art and give them attention where they need it... mad that i lose EVERYTHING that ever matters, like my two art shows of photography saved on discs and destroyed by a bitter dishonest ex. my beautiful snake destroyed by an ex, my music reviewing career destroyed by a high powered editor who came onto me, my modeling money put into furniture and computers stgolen and tuition that was a part of my parent's plans, not mine. i have nothing to live for and i fucking hate life.

[anonymousartist]

Ok, breathe. Hold it. Breathe again.

What successful 27 year olds? Where? I don't see any. You aren't behind. You aren't ugly. My clothes are all too big and don't fit me and look like hell on me. It's ok. And congrats on only having $10,000 in credit card debt. I am right there with you and I'm five years younger. So is everyone else in their 20's (is this really our fault? Isn't it almost impossible to support ourselves?)

It sounds like you have a lot of static going on in your life right now and you need to get centered somehow. I think you may need to seek help for alcoholism (what you wrote sounds like you know this already). There are people who know better than me but I know the idea behind becoming sober is to clean up all parts of your life, not just the drinking. It could help you.

I think you're seeing yourself as goods that are too damaged. The thing is you will look better physically and feel better emotionally if you get rid of these bad habits (the drinking, the drugging) and take up healthy ones (eating for nutrition, moderate exercise, drinking water, etc.)

I don't know how to say that you are pretty without really knowing what you look like but I just think of you as being so. You do have so much to offer. What about this photography? That's valuable (and I know how much it would hurt me to lose my collection too. I'm sorry about that). And writing? Just do a little at a time, be consistent about doing it every day. You may just be uncomfortable with it right now. I can't get into a clow if I don't like the journal I'm writing in or the color of the text sometimes.

I just came back from a concert and I've never had sex but it was probably better than sex so I can see how you've got music and men tied up....I totally don't think I could date a guy who didn't love the kind of music I do.

And food. It is perfectly ok and even very good for you to eat often if you eat foods that are high in nutrition and low in saturated fat (coincidentally, I have been reading up on Inositol, because it has been mentioned on these boards, and it may be helpful as an anti-depression and anxiety treatment, and is in a lot of healthy foods like soy, cereal, and citrus fruits. I'm trying to eat more of those foods). Don't give yourself guilt if you eat junk once in a while, but stick to whole foods and you can eat as much as you want. It will make you feel better. Give your body some space to flex. If you gain a little weight you can lose a little weight too.

I hope you do have some success as an actress. Don't be so hard on yourself. My family likes to make me feel useless too. It's just not healthy to be around.

Anyway, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm not being supportive 'cause I'm offering advice and crap and telling you to seek treatment 'cause I do think you are a cool person and want to offer support. *hugs* Thanks for reaching out.

--Becca

[hoppe]

Hi neuromancer

I am sorry about all the things you are going through. I think you are to hard on yourself and expecting to much from yourself. I don't know how your situation is - is possible for you to get therapy in some way? I think you really need to talk to someone that gets you on the right track again and sets some things straight for you.

At first, you are definitely not ugly. I don't know why you think you need a nose job, but obviously you have been a model, so you must be quite pretty. It might be that drinking/drugging has left some physical marks on you, but remember the remarkable ability of our bodies to regenerate, especially at young age - I think if you would be able to treat yourself decently for a while, things would get (and look) better.
Secondly, don't ever talk or think about prostitution. You might have said that because you are desperate. I hope you don't mean it.
Third, I understand you are jealous at other girls who seem to have it all, they are pretty, successful, happy, have rich parents that care about them etc.. Everybody is jealous at those. The truth is, they hardly exist. Most people don't have this, especially not at our age (26 myself). My parents don't give a s*** about me, I hardly survive on the money I make and am currently looking at another 4 years of studying before I can even think about getting a real job. I also hate my skin, wish I was thinner and stopped writing (something I loved and enjoyed) a long time ago. Welcome to the club, sweety.
Fourth, don't say that you have nothing left to offer this world. From your post I can tell, you have a lot to offer. A LOT. You are obviously creative, beautiful, caring, are into acting and music and photograpy and and and ..... . You are going through some rough times, but the other side exists. That is what gets me through my dark days - the knowledge that the other side exists!! I will get there and you too.

hoppe

[sunshinefunk]

Neuromancer,
I know you are feeling bad right now, it's okay.

What do you want? Figure out what you want and work towards that. Not a million things. Start with just one.

I understand about the drugs. I used to smoke a lot. All my friends do, but I want to teach, so I quit. It's been 10 weeks now and it's getting easier. Not easy, but easier. It doesn't have a hold of me like it used to.

I'm a teacher. I'm a runner. I pick my skin. I love peanut butter cups. Who are you?

[Bea1]

Hey man, every new day is a chance to start over. We're all trying to do it. Try with us, and think what an amazing, emphathetic and strong person you will be once you have come through this rough patch. Getting through this will give you a sense of self esteem that has nothing to do with the approval of parents or men. It comes from you and you alone, and no one will be able to take it away. We're all a lot stronger than we think we are, and I'm sure you can do it. You are depressed right now, and you can't trust yourself to see things objectively. The bloated ugly face you see in the mirror isn't you. When you start eating better, exercising and getting sober you will start to see things as they really are, and will realise how beautiful you really are and how much hope there is in your future. You just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other and make yourself do the things you need to do and soon things will look up. I'm trying to pull my life together too and I KNOW how hard it is. This comes across as advice that's very easy to say, but I know firsthand what a daily struggle it is. We have to believe it's possible. One day at a time, okay?

[neuromancer]

the kindness of others is usually what it takes to calm me down and release the emotions that need to be released so i can then look at things realistically... thanks guys (erm... ladies).

i think i just had too many difficult things happen at once and it seemed like someone was "conspiring" to bring me down. this is all around late 2001 to early 2002 and i've been in and out of therapy and on and off wellbutrin since then. i've just TEXTrecentlyTEXT decided i would very much like to leave my serotonin and dopamine alone--i.e. go off the wellbutrin for good. so that post was when i first started feeling the lack of it in my body i guess-- also the day before i got my period, heh.

i get frustrated because i was beginning to feel so confident in my life and so accomplished at 23-4, when all this shit started, and my life is really, REALLY different now. it doesn't have much to do with looks, although that's an external factor that i use as a vehicle to measure the damage. in 2001 i was deeply in love and fresh out of an abusive relationship i had been in since 18, one that very much mirrored the childhood abuse i experienced with my father.

i was in love with this boy whose band was on the cusp of huuuge success, living in my own duplex on the upper west side right on the park (paid for with all my own modeling and commercial money), writing record reviews for a huge magazine, and on a leave of absence from the ivy league school i had just transfered to. my only problems were-- i had actually planned on attending university after i got a name through modeling, since acting was my primary career interest and writing (my major in school) and photography secondary. i knew how much easier it was to make it in hollywood-and even the nyc acting world-if you found some success modelling first. this was never an option with my parents though, who're hardcore about all their children graduating from big name colleges. they were scared i'd never go back and threatened my leave of absence with not paying for school once i went back. they also reminded me of how it was my grandfather's last wish to see me graduate from my school and all this other maudlin crap that worked on me at the time.

i started feeling depressed and i didn't know why-- just untreated depression in retrospect--or what to do or what was wrong (I seemingly had everything). i started feeling isolated from my boyfriend, whose band was extremely tight and had never experienced such a serious relationship among their members. the lead singer/ auteur/ front man started this campaign of cruelty against me, telling everyone not to talk to me and giving me a complete freezeout out of nowhere. my boyfriend, only 19 at the time, was a stand-up guy in every other way but just didn't know how to defend me in the face of this leader that he totally worshipped. this guy is seriously fucked up! he would actually try to isolate me with homoerotic gestures-- like grabbing his bandmates crotches and forcing my boyfriend to make out with him-- many times while i was talking to him. he would leave rooms when i wasn't there and pressure my guy to distance me. i had never, ever experienced such unfounded cruelty in my entire life. it was absolute insanity to experience that right up against having the most loving, rewarding relationship i'd ever had. i got really confused and started feeling like i'd do anything just to let his band know i supported them and didn't want to impinge upon their journey, but that i need to be part of my guy's life.

i started doing drugs with them-- lots of cocaine, which they were very into. it was the only time the lead guy would talk to me and offer me hope about making it with my boyfr-- let's call him paul. i turned into this character whp was so obsessed with doing anything i co9uld to make things work with paul, that i started abandoning my own goals and responsibilities. coke and the treatment this lead man gave me were causing me to spiral downwards intop the worst depression i'd ever experienced. they went on a tour to england, but when i tried to get an agency in london for modeling at the same time, i was told they'd be "really busy" and it was hinted i shouldn't go. i stayed home and would sleep all day and go out drinking all night, i suppose trying to numb myself. i finally was fired from my agency.

then i learned of one in LA that would take me, but i'd have to go over there for awhile. i wanted to be with paul still, but i was angry at the way he had isolated me. i felt left out and like i needed to start my own life again. i went, but little did i know that there, as i was trying to scrape my life back together, i would hit my absolute bottom after being brutalized by someone i actually thought was my friend. (to be continued when it's not sooo gorgeous outside).