I think Im at my breaking point-Im scared

[Dramaqueen]

So this is third day that I have called into work for being"sick" and I think my boss is going to fire me. The truth is that I have picked so badly in these past few days that even makeup cant cover my marks because there is broken skin on my face and every time I put concealor on it it looks like strange holes on my face. Im like a walking piece of friggin swiss cheese. Im so embarassed that the possibility of getting fired is better to me than having my coworkers stare at me all day.

This morning I got up ready to go to work and at the last minute decided once again to start picking, only five minutes before work. What the hell am I doing to myself?? I called my dad and told him that I pick at my face and he said that a lot of people do it if they are trying to pop zits. I told him that I dont have any zits and that I am just searching for them under the skin and end up making my face bleed in an effort to prove that I have something to squeeze. He said "Hm ok that is a little strange" and he finally got the picture.

I think I am going to call my boss on her cell tonight and tell her the truth and pray that she will emphathize with my self destructive horrible habit and not fire me. I have no self esteem anymore, I wonder where it went. I need help. I want to go to a hospital and be around people like me. I miss my old happiness and playful spirit. Just reading that makes me cry.

[drprincess]

I believe you are growing through this difficult phase in your life. What doesn't kill you, helps you to grow. I have done and feel all the things you feel. I feel right now like a walking swiss cheese too. What we have a very difficult problem to correct and the behavior might go away, but the insecurities are likely to stay to a lesser degree.

I am seeking therapy, dermatologist, keeping bandaids and neosporin on my ulcerated areas, and working on myself from the inside out through therapy and with god and trying not to look in the mirror. I also ended my realtionship with my ex who became extremely superficial, and would put me down all the time to sabatoge my progress(finally discovered he really didn't have my best interest at heart- think now he was a sociopath).

Why don't you join the 21 day pickfree program, I think it is a great way to jump start our healing( inside and out). I also wrote something inspirational for us under the title dissociation on the therapy/meds disscussion postings. It really helps me to view my body in those terms.

Remember one day at a time.
drprincess

[lauryn]

did you tell your boss? how'd it go?

don't feel so bad.
i went to work for the last time on 3-22-04 after calling out sick for three days like you. now im on state disability.

[kimj]

I hope everything goes well with your boss. If you do not feel like sharing this very personal problem with your boss or coworkers, perhaps you could just say you are having emotional problems that you are seeking help for and leave it at that. You must be going through a difficult time right now that I can only imagine. I have never been able to tell anyone about my problem, and it must have taken a lot of strength to tell your father. I'm sure that telling him was a good step toward your recovery.
ps- three days is not THAT long. I think you should be fine.

[Dramaqueen]

I am so thankful to be able to receive such amazing words of encouragment and support from you all. ;D

Well I just got off the phone with my boss and she was incredible! She told me that it was very brave for someone my age to be coming to terms with my problems and trying to actively work on getting better. She told me to take two weeks paid vacation off from work and to seek intense therapy to help me get better. She said that my job was crucial to feel confident in since I do public relations (can you belive that?) and that my first priority should be me right now so that when I come back I can serve the company better. I asked if I was in danger of losing my job and she said "not in the slightest bit honey". Aww I am really lucky to have such a great boss and even better now I can spend these next couple of weeks working on me. I want to see if I can check into some sort of BDD or OSP rehab hospital, does anyone know of a place that could help me get some intense therapy? I live in AZ and it would be extra cool if there was a place that takes Cigna insurance. Thanks again everybody and even though my face is bright red right now from burning it this morning with Tea Tree Oil (guess I put way too much on ) I am already starting to see a light peaking out from the clouds.

[Bea1]

That is awesome, you are so lucky! I hope you can find some kind of rehab program. This could be a real defining moment. Let us know what you find.

[kimj]

Hey that's great to hear! I'm glad everything worked out and you have the time to work on things. Let us know if any OSP place like that exists...I'm very interested to find out. If not I'm sure there is another type of intense therapy you could get into. Good luck with everything. it turns out telling your boss was a huge step in the right direction.

ps- I'm in the PR field too. I'm very new to it though, recently graduated. Maybe you could give me some pointers sometime.

[Dramaqueen]

Most important aspect of working in PR is to make each person that you come into contact feel special and as if they have a personal relationship with you. Remember names if you can and use them in the future to show that you were paying attention. If a client asks you a question that you dont know, dont make something up just tell the truth and let them know you will get back to them. Trust is the basis of any relationship and once you have earned that you cannot go wrong. They may not really want what you are selling but if they like you then you are in. Make sure to always follow up with clients when you say you will and never no show on a meeting or your credibility will be lost. Walk the walk, talk the talk, and be real with people.

Last, if your job is like mine I am in contact with hundreds of sales professionals on a weekly basis so I am always surrounded by competitors. Dont trust them. They will try and steal your ideas and pawn them off as their own and they will try to manipulate you into thinking that they are your friend. This is a game, a sales tactic that when mastered can turn a good PR Rep into an insecure weak individual. While being "friends" with you they are secretly spying on you seeing how you sell and if it works for you. If it does then they will make a newbie like you think that you are not good at your job and give you pointers that are sabotage. Keep your eyes open but never let on that you are onto their game. Good luck.

[Holly]

Dramaqueen,

It is very good to hear that your boss is so understanding and that you now have the chance to work on your recovery instead of worrying about losing your job.

Tea tree oil is very strong, it must really burn. Try some antiobiotic ointment on your sores.

Best of luck, we're with you,
Holly

[pinto123]

hi everyone,

here is a link to what i think is a rehab type ctr for OCD

www.ocdla.com/

it came up during a google search/ so i don't really know much about it beyond that but i hope this might be of some help

[Dramaqueen]

This morning I had my first psychiatry appoinment with a new doctor. It was a horrible experience that I feel compelled to share because the obsessive part of me cant eat my dinner right now until I get this off my chest.

First she was about 30 minutes late to get me so that made me feel bad. Then as I walked into the room she said that she has a med student in her office and he will be observing. Sure enough this med student guy was sitting in a chair right in front of her desk and right beside where I was going to sit. To top it off he was probably about my age (26) and totally attractive! I felt so self conscious and I already feel insecure as it is. Anyway, I told her everything that I could think of without leaving any details out. I started crying in front of hot med guy then my nose began to bleed. This is my worse nightmare come true. The shrink turned out to only be a doctor that prescribes meds and she told me now I will have to get an actual therapist because she isnt one. After I poured my friggin heart out she tells me this. She was really cold and unattached and I felt like an idiot and a freak. Finally she tells me her diagnose and it turns out that I have THREE disorders. Body Dysmorphic Dysfunction (which I knew), Borderline Personality, and Obsession Compulsive Disorder. She precribed me an anti psychotic and I left. Am I psychotic? I dont know anything anymore and Im so disappointed in the visit all together. I was thinking of getting a second opinion or something. I told my mom and I think she is disappointed in me once again. I cant help it that I am this way and Im tired of her trying to make me feel that I am never good enough. Ahh sorry guys I just had to vent.

[HereToHelpYou]

Dramaqueen,

When I read your post, I could hardly believe it. Your situation sounds EXACTLY like what I've been through. First of all, you are NOT phsychotic and, second, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When I sat down at my computer tonight, I had just finished a session of picking and plucking and was feeling bad, so I started searching about this stuff on the web. I came to this site and most of the posts have been old, but I seriously feel like it was fate, because when I read your post, I saw that it was from today.

Let me tell you about myself. I'm a 23 year old female, graduated from college last spring, just started a new job, extremely personable, smart, funny, very "normal" by all appearances. I've also had obsessive compulsive disorder since 6th grade. I've been taking Luvox since then, which has completely made me well again as far as stopping the cycle of disturbing thoughts and then obsessing over them. BUT, I still pick and pluck to the point that it's definitely not normal.

TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, I've had a similar terrible experience with a psychiatrist. I started taking birth control pills my sophomore year of college. They totally messed up my medication's effectiveness and I was feeling awful again. I went to a psychiatrist in the area. I poured my heart out to him and he was the most unfeeling, unhelpful schmuck ever. He gave the profession a bad name--and he was supposed to be an expert in the study of OCD.

I hadn't wanted to tell my parents that I was on the pill, but I finally had to because I was losing my sanity. I told them and my dad found me a wonderful doctor who said that, yes, bc did affect my meds. He upped my dosage, I found a different form of birth control and I'm back to being myself, which is a happy, healthy 23 year old girl.

Anyway, sorry this is so long, but I could hardly believe it when I saw that your post was from today. PLEASE write back and let me help you by letting you know that you are soooo not alone and you are not crazy. You can get better. Everybody has their oddities. I'm almost positive that you have OCD and you can get help. I'm here to help you get started on the path to being the beautiful person that you are underneath the mess that your obsessions are causing.

[lauryn]

hey the first doctor i went to see for my breakdown was an hour late and was a psychiatrist that only prescribed meds too. whenever i have visits with him i dont feel like telling him anything because i know he's just a psych and all he can do really is prescribe something for me. i can empathize. however that is totally fucked for her to have a med student and then have him be attractive and your age, that's just ridiculous. that would make me have a panic attack right away.

sorry that happened to you.
if you have the money i would see another one as a supplement to the one you already saw.
as for the antipsychotic i was prescribed one for my OCD too. its fairly common. im taking risperdal

thinking good thoughts for you

[Dramaqueen]

Dear Here to Help You-

First I must apologize for taking sooo long to get back to you. Needless to say I have been on a crazy journey these past few weeks and I didnt get back to you because I knew I wanted to really tell you what I was thinking without all of the interruptions. Thank you for your post and it is really interesting how much we do have in common. When you said that I wasnt alone and I wasnt psychotic it made me feel a lot better. I got a new therapist now whom I went to go see today. I like him ok I guess and I think he will be a lot better than what I had encountered before. I am starting therapy twice a week and on to SSRI's instead of psychotic meds. They made me absolutely retarded and unable to function for days. I hope it will be better. Anytime you need a friend or support I am here for you as well. Take care. Write back if you can.

[HeretoHelpYou]

I'm so glad that you wrote back! I wondered if you had read what I posted. Even though I don't even know you, I feel like I do because we have been through so many similar circumstances. I think that you are going to TEXT benefit from the SSRI's. Which one are you taking? Like I said, I've been taking Luvox since 6th grade and I'm (almost) virtually symptom free, minus the picking issues. The worst part for me, however, were the persistent disturbing thoughts and those are gone, so I'm definitely happy with the results.

I just feel like it's so important for those of us who understand what it's like to be there for others in the same shoes. Other people have a very difficult time understanding what it's like unless they've been through it themselves or struggled throught it with a very close friend or family member.

Thanks for writing back! We'll stay in touch. I really want to know your progress. You're going to do TEXT well!