don't want to try anymore

[angelkiss]

i give up guys. this time i really do.

i am still seeing my psychiatrist, who prescribes me drugs. really, that's all he does. he asks about my life a little--i can tell he's trying to see if picking is interfering with my functioning. and honestly, it really isn't interfering very badly. i'm no longer depressed, i go out whether i have picked or not, i cover the sores up sometimes and sometimes not, and it doesn't really waste a lot of my time during the day. so he just increases my dosage and sends me out the door. i am taking 30 mg of lexapro now and i haven't noticed it making any difference whatsoever with the picking. the depression, yes. the picking, no. he says that maybe we should try another drug if this doesn't work. but i don't think my picking will respond to drugs.

i think i'll just be a picker for the rest of my life. every morning i will wake up and pick my legs until they bleed. then i'll get dressed, have a cigarette, and go about my day like everyone else does. it will just be the bad habit i can't break, like smoking.

what else can i do, i've tried everything...i guess i'm just not trying hard enough. i think it's just my personality--i'm too weak and impulsive. i always give in to my urges. it's really my fault. it's a fault of my personality, i think. there must be a reason why some people become addicted skin pickers and others don't. i just can't resist what is a passing urge for other people.

my picking doesn't hurt anybody. it helps me deal with things. so why not just stop trying to quit?

[ready2heal]

the first thing you need to do is to get all the negative thoughts out of your mind. You must stay determined. Do not give up. I know you can quit, and deep down I bet you know you can too. you can do anything if you really really want to. but you have to WANT to badly enough to overcome those urges. remember, the best thing you can do for your skin is to leave it alone! good luck.

[anonirresp]

hi
don't give up, because sometimes nothing bad happens u can hide it and go on. but then comes the time when it gets infected, and the times when it does inhibit your social life.

have you discussed with your psychiatrist about seeing a psychologist for behavioral therapy? from my reading meds alone don't usually help. some self motivation and behavioral therapy which is really giving you ways to youself prevent the picking. i have had that about 3 sessions couple of years ago. it helps to tailor the behavior motivation tailered to you. i was emarrased cause was in denial. so didn't go much. now i inquired about it again and was told its weekly. wow thats a lot

good luck. and be strong. don't give up

[snuggleball]

It's hard to stay motivated 100% of the time, but don't give up just yet. There'll be days when you just don't care and then there'll be days when you're motivated to stop.

Instead of waking up and picking your legs before you get dressed, you could try waking up and immediately putting on a pair of tight pants so you can't pick, or sleeping in pants so you can't see your legs when you first wake up. Or even bundle up and go for a walk first thing in the morning while you have your cigarette, it might take your mind off picking and you won't do it if you're in public and walking.

Everyone has their own reasons for trying to stop picking - mine is mainly because it's embarassing to have picked-at spots. I pick my scalp and if I don't stop I'll eventually have a bald spot :-( Just try to keep your own reasons in your mind all throughout the day and on the days you mess up just try to control your picking again the next day. Good luck!

[angelkiss]

thanks for all your replies. i read over that post again and I had a realization this morning...i'm doing what i always do.

when i try to tackle something and i feel that i can't be "perfect" at it, i just give up before i let myself be disappointed. i'm so afraid of failure. That's what I did when I wanted to be a photographer. i thought i wasn't the best so i might as well give up. so now that i feel like i can't stop picking completely, i just want to give up so i don't feel like a failure.

you were right ready2heal about getting those negative thoughts out of my head. i'm not even realizing how far i've come already. i was at my worst this summer--afraid to show any skin, i stopped going out and i was depressed and suicidal. i had sores all over my body. now i've come so far, picking almost doesn't interfere with my life.

i've come a long way but that's no reason to give up now. when you let it go, that's when you let picking take over your life. if i don't keep trying, i could end up down at the bottom of the barrel again.

i'm not weak and impulsive. i'm just looking for excuses as to why i can't quit. truth is, i can quit. i'm just afraid of the idea of failure. but who cares how long it takes me--eventually, i will have it under control. even if i still pick the occasional blemish, it doesn't mean i'm a failure. if i can get it under control to the point that i can show my legs off, that will be a success.

thanks for all the comments, you guys really helped me come around once again.

[marker]

hey angelkiss, I'm glad your once again motivated to quit. We all know how hard it can be sometimes. These days I'm feeling the same way. I've been stuck at home studying for finals, and i keep picking at my arms and face. Sometimes i can go days without a pick, but these days i'm compelled to it for some reason. i'm beginning to think theres no way out of this cycle, because i'm so aware of my problem, but i still am not stopping. I've been visiting this board for probably a year now, not really ever participating in a discussion though, since i'm too lazy to respond. but i really want to just quit, because i'm sick of always being aware of every little bump on my face, i just want to be carefree and have more confidence in my appearance. well, thats all i have to say for now. take care everyone.

[ready2heal]

that's what I like to hear! I'm glad you know you can do it. You have strong determination, and with that positive attitude you've got a bright future ahead of you. I also know the feeling of wanting to be perfect. I play the flute, and I enter many competitions. I've always been chosen to be in all the honor bands, and i've been known as the very best in my school for a long time. but just recently I found out that I didn't make the top honor band in the state, which I made last year. I felt like giving up, but then I thought more about it. I realized that although I wasn't chosen, I'm still a wonderful flute player. And if I practice hard I can make it next year. And the situation is the same with you. If you stay determined and work hard at what ever you do, you can accomplish any goal you set for yourself.

[Carree]

Angel-

First, I so relate to you. I pick my legs and have dealt with the embarrassment of that all of my life almost. I have quit for periods and always seem to go back to my old comforting stress relief sooner or later. I think one of the reasons that the medicine may not be working for the picking is because we have made our picking into a habit. Just like the smoking. But you DO know that you can quit. You have done it before and you can do it again. You may have relapses once in awhile but every time you don't pick you are allowing yourself to heal and that is a great step in the right direction
Second, I am also on medication for depresssion, I have finally found the one that I feel has worked the best for me If you really like the Lexapro and it's works well on your depression and you don't have any side effects then I would stick with that med.
Don't give up.....I know it's hard, sometimes I feel like it too but at this moment I only have two scabs on my legs and I feel pretty good about that . (Two on my face as well but that's it).
Hang is there and remember you can do it!!
Carree

[Canuck]

AngelKiss,

I know I'm late in replying (blame the final exams!) but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you.

I know that this is hard. And I know how frustrating it can be to fail and fail and fail. And I definitely know how it is to only want to do things THE BEST.

...but, with picking, you can only compare your progress to yourself. We all have different reasons we pick. We all have different things that motivate us NOT to pick. We are all doing this at different paces. We all are at different places in our lives that may hinder/aid our ability to quit.

Maybe get a little personal calendar and start charting pick-free (or virtually pick-free) days. Then you can have someone to compete with. Yourself.

[angelkiss]

thanks for the advice Canuck, I think you're right. I tried keeping a journal for a while, it's just hard for me to remain consistent. Kind of like if I forget to write in my journal one day, the next day I automatically think that it's not worth writing because I haven't written in the journal "perfectly", by that I mean consistently, daily, the way I intended to write in it...a small slip causes me to throw away the attempt altogether.

just a side note...don't read this post, it's VERY LONG!

my picking is much better when I am busily devoted to a goal or a task. When things are going really well in my life because I'm reaching my goals and actively pursuing things, my picking subsides. the moment that energy starts to die down and life hits that happy medium, where you're just coasting for a while, i start up the picking again. it's like it fills the void i feel when i feel that i've started to lapse.

it's like earlier in the semester, i had just started my new job, i started to move up in the company and got new opportunities pretty quickly, and everything was happening at once. now all that momentum has died down, i'm settled in my position and still doing my task well, but things have just quieted down. i know that's normal, but for some reason i feel like i'm not doing enough, like i should still be doing more, and that whole idea of competing with some perfect image in my head causes me to gouge my skin just to dissipate all that floating anxiety. i never take the time to just enjoy the moment and praise myself for getting to the point i'm at. i'm always thinking of the next place i have to be.

i wrote something once that put it all into words perfectly. it was something like, "in life, you never reach your destination. once you get there, there's somewhere else you have to be." i know this is getting kind of deep now, but i think that whole mindset i have is part of the reason i'm so neurotic.

i'm only twenty years old and i have a 3.5 gpa, i'm double majoring, and i work in the marketing department of a great company that wants to hire me the minute i graduate. i should be proud of this, but i look at other people, like this student i read about in the newspaper who is involved in ten different campus organizations, has a solid gpa, and made homecoming queen. and i feel that i don't compare, i think "she's my competition." what do i think will happen if i become just like this person? i know i would burn out. but i seem to think i should be able to do it all. i think, people will look at me in awe the way i look at her. people would like me. they would be proud of me. impressed.

but it's more about feeling like i have to prove it to myself. there is this feeling way down that i am not quite good enough, that i don't cut it in the world. i have always thought i'm not strong enough and not saavy enough to cut it in the world on my own. i have this feeling somewhat because when i grew up, my parents didn't let me gain that confidence by doing things on my own. they wanted my world to be perfect, so they were somewhat overbearing and took care of the decisionmaking for me. and whenever i would go out with a friend, guy or girl, my mom would make little innuendos like, "you keep an eye on her, she is a little naive. take care of her." she didn't quite say these things outright, but she hinted at the fact that my friends had more of that common sense saavy than i did. it was like i needed to be protected by somebody at all times.

and now i never really feel like i'm the adult in charge. i always think there is a right way to do things and i'm not doing it quite right. i don't trust my instincts. i always look to other people for approval, even for simple decisions. so i have this desire to be the person who can do it all on her own. but i never think i've made it. i can't seem to get it through my head that i will never please that one person--me. i probably have already pleased all the other people--parents, teachers, friends, family--but it's me who is never happy.

all this talk and mulling over the reasons why still doesn't change anything for me. it's so so so hard to change the way you think and to change your own view of yourself. i think i will be stuck with it forever. i haven't seen any person in my life change drastically. my mom has always been one way and she will never change. same with my father and every other person i've known. they have tried to change, but never succeeded.

i know i just rambled on and on forever, but i just got on a roll and the words just kept flowing. i guess i had a lot on my mind that i didn't even realize. i hope you all don't read all of this, it's probably not really interesting reading anyway, but it feels good to get that all out.
AHhhhhhh...