Hello. Hello. I am new.

[disjecti membra]

Hello.

I'm new to this board. I'm a 19 year old guy. I don't drink or do drugs.
I am 'artistic'. I skateboard. I also play drums.

and.... I've been picking for 7 years.

I primarily pick at my face, shoulders, chest, arms, and back though periodically I'll pick my thighs. It started with my face, when I had mild to moderate acne, and progressed to my forearms and shoulders.
Now my arms and shoulders are riddled with layers of white and lighter spots from scarring. Fortunately enough, my face is pretty much fine.
I've recently realized that my acne is under control and that if I could stop doing this to myself I would probably feel a lot better about every aspect of my life.
When I pick, I am concious of it for small flashes of time. Otherwise, I am completely zoned out. Picking lasts anywhere from 30 mins to over an hour.
I often wonder if I am clinically depressed or (mildly?) bipolar. My older brother is severely depressed and getting 'some' help but I seriously worry about him. I believe this runs throughout my family history.
At one point I wrote out a 4 page confession about how I felt about my life, my problems and whatnot; showing it to my mom and 2 friends. At that point,
I had never heard of dermatillomania or CSP and thought I might have OCD.
My mom, is very supportive and the greatest person ever, but I don't think she fully grasped what I had said. Her friend who was a nurse, dismissed what I had written as NOT BEING OCD. She also DIDN'T offer the possibility of CSP.
Though at the time it seemed that people were concerned, I think they've all forgotten.

Nobody else knows. I don't have any friends to tell, and
am pretty embarassed and scared to tell anyone anyway.

My doctor, though a very nice man, practically ignored me when I told him about my picking. I don't see him very often, so I don't know how to bring it up
again, or if it would even do any good.
I have tried everything from the no mirrors idea (which works alright) to a steady diet of LONG SLEEVES which actually 'fixed' me for a few months.
I once tried carving plusses into tops of my wrists, as a form of punishment / reminder.(a very bad idea.)
--Like the string around the finger idea.
Now I feel like scratching (cutting) myself everytime I mess up. Which doesn't really help at all.
My best friend, the one person who probably would have helped,
is a heavy drinker, and is quite depressed. He too
has had far more severe bouts of 'cutting' and seems to have overcome it mostly. We aren't really the best of friends anymore. We're still working on a recording project together... but he doesn't seem to like me much. (I think he feels that I judge him for drinking.)
and we probably reflect eachother's demons too vividly. it's a shame.
Everyone I know has self-esteem issues, depression, an eating disorder, or something along those lines.

I have not ever really had an eating disorder, but I get pretty upset with my body image sometimes, and have in the past restricted my food intake. I think it has to
do with trying to control my life.
I started abusing caffeine pills as a stimulant (for work) and because they made me feel happy. I realised that they are an excellent appetite suppressant also. I have since forced myself to quit taking / buying them.

I found in reading other people's stories that it made me feel a little better.

Perhaps my story can do the same.

I've made a promise to myself to stop picking. Stop any cutting (though infrequent). Reconfigure
my eating to exclude junk foods, and include regular healthy meals.

I appreciate this board as a support system.

I apologise for the longwindedness. I'm also sorry I couldn't organize these thoughts more appropriately. I type rather quickly, and It's quite late.

My mind is racing.

Thank you for reading this.

love - a.

[FarmGirl]

Welcome disjecti membra!

Wow, that post was heavy. You're very brave and despite what you think of yourself, I think you sound pretty normal to me

I don't there's a human alive that can't relate to what your going through in one way or another. Sounds to me like you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders!

Don't be afraid to ramble--it's okay and it's a great way to get stuff off your chest!

Take care and we hope to see you post more often!

[scarreddaisy]

welcome disjecti membra...
This is the best place to be a picker in need... I have been here about 6 months and it has been my rock to lean against ever since... I told my mother but she doesnt understand the way that i would like her too.. I am 18 and pick my face, back and neck.. my back the worst... she has seen my back and so have doctors...clamining that I need reconstructive surgery to get rid of the 500+ scars that transpires over 8-9 years of picking... I combat the scarring my own ways and try not to lose face... to an outsider it may seem simple to say oh well we cant fix that... but when you are the one that need the solution you will do anything and everything to fix it... PIcking is very embarassing thing to deal with... and difficult to control... I have gone 1 day ( with the help of the board) of no picking.. I just about died the second day and didnt make it...this is a place where you can document your progress and have other cheer you on... I found that since none of us really know what is it that causes us to pick/ why we learn a whole lot about ourselves if we arent afraid to look... I wish you best of luck with your csp and I hope that you can find the answers, support and help that you need...

[Zoner]

Hi Disjecti Membra
I'm curious how you came up with that screen name!
Welcome aboard! I too am new- I joined as a member quite some time ago, but never had the courage to post until recently. I applaud you for being so open and honest and just want to say that you sound like a beautiful soul!

I agree with farmgirl who said that most people out there have felt the way you do in some way or another. And now you've found a group that can definately relate to what you're going through with the picking. I can't say that I understand completely why we do it- but at least most everyone seems to have about the same picking habits. I think it may be a form of anxiety release. With that- I'd stay away from those caffeine pills. I know that I can't handle too much caffeine and everytime I drink coffee, my picking actually gets alot worse! I can totally relate to what you said about zoning out when you pick- Notice my screen name? When I do it, it's like I have no stress, thoughts or anything. Just by joining the board and opening up, i'm much more aware when I do and have actually decreased my picking a little bit- something I've never really been able to do.

Please don't cut yourself when you get upset
I think that's a way of punishing yourself and also minimizing internal pain. Do you feel like your "insides" hurt less when you physically hurt yourself- that you numb the pain? Whenever you feel like cutting yourself, stop and take a walk. It kicks in natural hormones that help to make you feel better, and will help you to get in shape if you think you need it. It also helps with depression and anxiety. I would recommend you talk to your family physician again regarding the possibility of depression- sometimes medication gives you that kick start to get yourself feeling better again. Please don't think that I'm judging or lecturing- on the contrary I understand way too well!! I have a family history of depression (and other things that just haven't been labeled yet!!), and a cousin who attempted suicde. He too was an artist- and an amazing one at that!

I don't think that any of us have OCD- although it does look alot like it, and for a while i thought i might have it. My doctor completely ignored me too when i brought up my picking- I don't think that the medical community is even aware of this 'disorder' ( i prefer to call it a habit- it makes me feel a little less crazy). Talk to him again. I think we all really need to make ourselves heard with our doctors- I'd like to see more research on why we do it and how to stop.

This response was pretty long winded too- but I don't think any of us needs to apologize. I think the purpose of this board is to talk- so keep on talking- whenever you want!!

[disjecti membra]

Thank you all. I'm already feeling better today, and I'm confident that I can stop this. I just have to be aware of the things that trigger my episodes and be concious of ways around them.

Zoner - I like the walking idea. With it being winter now, it's tough to get out and do anything. Skateboarding is out of the question. Last winter I was signed up with a gym, and plan to do the same this year. Hopefully that will get the seretonin pumping. I enjoy the activity as well.

Regarding the cutting. Not to down play the severity of it, but it's really like scratching. I have only done it a handfull of times and I am glad to have realised that it is not the right idea before it got out of hand.

I think I understand WHY it is supposed to work, in terms of making someone feel better for the time being. I've read that the trauma of it releases (i think..) 'B endorphins', which relax the body and make you generally feel better. The odd part is that it was really only a curiosity by which I started to do it and it is never intended as a coping mechanisim. Fortunately it's very infrequent. I've realised that trying to stop picking will be a heck of a lot easier if I can avoid falling into another poor habit.

My screen name came from the back of my old pocket dictionary. I think it's latin. If I'm not mistaken, it means 'scattered remains'. Not to seem to morbid or anything; I just liked the sound of it.

...and of all things to have a LATIN translation of in a dictionary? you'd think there were more frequently asked questions... "where's the bathroom?" ... haha

I'm trailing off.

Thanks again.

[Iceman]

Hello and welcome to the board. Glad you found this site as i think you will be delighted with the support of fellow pickers. Lots of fine women on here but if you need a guy buddy to talk to just let me know. I'm a compulsive face picker and have been for many years. Other than that i guess i'm normal and have my head on straight so if you need any advice or just want to banter back and forth that's cool. Take it easy

[Canuck]

disjecti membra,

Wow! Lots to digest in your posts to this thread, I'm afraid I won't be able to delve too deeply into what you've written at this moment (I'm supposed to be doing homework! ) but I wanted to welcome you to our board.

I think that the simple act of visiting this board will start to change the way that you think about picking. It has certainly changed the way that I think about picking. It's not just something that I do anymore. It's something that a LOT of other people do, and a lot of other people struggle with. Before I found this board, I generally ignored my picking habit -- finding this board has opened me up to the idea of struggling against picking. It sort of told me that it's okay to truly fight against this. I was so passive before...

We're one big support system here. There are a lot of us, so lean on us as heavily as you need to. Together, we're strong.

[firegirl]

welcome here, disjecti...

your name caught my eye... i once read a book of independent poetry called "disiecti membra poetae", translated, to the best of my memory, as "limbs of a dismembered poet". the contents were horrible, but it had a great cover and a great name- i remember the phrase exactly, but cannot quote a single line... i guess my professors are right: it's all in the marketing ...

anyways, you have stumbled upon a collection of people who can really understand what you're going through. although i've never been a 19 year old boy, i have been a 19 year old straightedge skateboarder with scarred-up arms and legs. know that you're among friends, and that you'll surely find the support and acceptance you need to help cope with this disorder right here.

welcome, welcome.