Ready to make the change

[snout63]

Hi All,

I can't believe I found this site (and that there are several others just like it). Amazing to find that some "weird thing" that you do is a problem for many, many people....
Anyway, I've been picking, or should I say squeezing for about 20 years. I'm 40 now and am finally realizing that my skin isn't really bad, and what I have is probably no more than very mild acne, but it's the squeezing that makes it all look so terrible. I had an experience this week that finally made the lights go on so to speak.
I'd gone to the doctor just to get him to write me a new prescription for some nasal spray for my allergies. Anyway, it was late in the day and I realized my makeup looked kinda crappy. (Like many of you, I've become a master makeup artist out of necessity). I was wiping it off with a small cosmetic sponge and was going to fix it when the doctor came in and said, "OH! What happened to your face?" Needless to say I was mortified and had to explain that I was there for allergies and not my face at all. Later on when he wrote me my prescription I asked if he'd prescribe some anti-biotics which I've been on and off of over the years. He agreed and off I went.
That was Monday night and I've squeezed just two things since then, which for me is a miracle. It's very hard, fighting the urge but my thought is that once the anti-biotics kick in a bit it will get easier because there will be less stuff on my face to "tempt" me. I still find it impossible to leave the house with any kind of whitehead, so I allow myself that. What I won't do is "go exploring" and look for tiny little bumps which I then squeeze into monsterous legions.
So, it's one day at a time here. I'm hoping that eventually the urge dissipates along with the behavior, but who knows.

Good luck to all who are trying to kick this thing. I'm glad to have found you.


Liz

[FarmGirl]

Hi Snout and welcome! I totally understand what you mean about going "exploring". I've been pick/squeeze free for about 3 days now but I did catch myself exploring my face yesterday afternoon in the mirror! It only took me about 5 seconds to remember everyone on this board and I quickly pulled my hands away and left the bathroom. Boy is this a hard habit to break!

As I was in the shower yesterday, I put my face directly under the shower head and for the first time in YEARS it didn't hurt! Usually my face is so darn tender from my picking that I can only manage to gently splash cool water on it. Sometimes even putting my face on my pillow hurts!

It's feeling very strange to have a "normal" feeling face again because I had forgotten what normal felt like!

Welcome again and keep checking in!

[Snout63]

Hi!

Well, no picking since yesterday morning, but some pretty close calls. Trying to stay motivated by thinking how much better I'll look and feel with clear smooth skin. One of the worst things was last week. I'd taken a shower at the gym and had no makeup on when a woman I know was near my locker and we were talking, the whole time I'm trying to not look at her so she can't see my face. Don't know if she caought it, but man, it just sucked.
Stay focused, Farmgirl!

[Zoner]

welcome snout63!
i think you've come to a great place! We all know exactly how you feel- and I do the same thing when it comes to exploring. And I could NEVER leave a white head alone. Even if my fiance has one- it's getting picked. Sometime I even want to pick strangers when I see one! But I guess it wouldn't be really polite to ask!
I would say that I don't really have acne, per say, but really create things on my face. I explore my face (and body) and a very small bump, or sometimes not even a bump, but a pore that I think will pop, can and sometimes does turn into a huge, red, inflamed "non-popper". Recently I just 'created' three doosies on my face and have been mortified to go to work and face people. Then I try to pick them more, and even poke with a needle, but it only makes it worse!
And I know the feeling of avoiding eye contact because all you can think about is that freakin thing on your face!! but, I've realized that whether or not I make eye contact- they're still looking at me- and probably see it! So- I've gotta stop!
This board is helping me alot, and I hope it will do the same for you. Welcome aboard!

[firegirl]

hi there! ugghh... i've also had my doctor, to my embarrassment, mention my skin... a few years ago, i had to go to him for a check up on my previously fractured wrist. because i only go to him every other year or so- as infrequently as possible- he had a little checklist of things we were supposed to talk about at my yearly physical- which i always cancel . in any case, he's going down this list, checking things off, until he gets to birth control. he looks at me for a minute, then says, "you know, i can prescribe you some birth control pills that will help clear up that gross stuff on your face." i was so embarrassed that i never went back to him again. now i have a NICE doctor- who i still don't ever go to .

and the hiding your face thing- i've done that a million times. positioning myself so that the 'better side' (read: less damaged side) is facing people, spending forever trying to arrange my hair over the ugly spot i made the night before- sigh. since finding this message board, i realize that being able to hide the trauma (like long sleeves in winter) makes it that much easier to continue picking. so, trying everything in baby steps, i've been growing out my bangs. it makes my forehead look big but i've slowed down on the marks i used to put there, simply because i can't hide them easily.

enough with my ramblings- welcome here !

[anon,irresp.]

you are so right firegirl.

hiding makes us able to go on feeling its ok what i have done cause i can cover it somehow.

yesterday i did not have to suffer the embarrasement of my new wound on my temple cause i covered it with a hat. thats not fair. i should not have to be able to hide it.

maybe i will try the drastic change of going almost bare. maybe some foundation to just cover the red jus healing scars.

i think we have become complatent with this life style. i have been doing this for 3 yrs and go through the cycles of shame, but still don't realize the irresponsibility of my actions.

[snout63]

Good point. It's easy to think it's ok when you wear makeup all the time and there are only a few people who see you "undone". My apartment building opened a small gym downstairs which I like to use on the weekends when I don't feel like going to my regualr gym. Anyway, damned if I'll put on my face just to go down there on a Saturday or Sunday morning, and it's usually pretty empty, but when someone else walks in I just HATE it. I so hope they're busy doing they're own thing and not thinking that there's this person there with a whole face full of red marks.
It does get better everyday I don't touch it, and I would like to recommend Nivea (the thick cream, not the lotion). A blob of that on the face left overnight does wonders. Yes, it can get on your pillow case if you move around alot, but it's worth it to me.