bulimia and sp- a scary thought (kinda long)

[Butterfly]

I've been bulimic for about 6 1/2 years. I had my ups and downs (mostly downs) during school. I wasnt free to do what i wanted since my parents and bro were around. I did my thing whenever i got the chance

When going to university i had to move to a different town and live on my own. Bulimia got worse every day. I spent all my money on food...i prefered the whole ritual eating-throwing up than going out. I was alone and miserable and my eating disorder was causing me so much pain.

I seeked help. I felt like nothing changed. No matter what I did to prevent it , it only became worse. I would force myself not to eat one day and i'd have several episodes on the very next one.

I could go on and on about it. But here is what happened eventually. It stopped. It just did. More than a year ago i realised i no longer crave for food. I remember i was telling myself nothing will change unless I start feeling like I dont want it.

It's been so hard to fight it all these years...it's been #1 problem for so long (i dont remember picking at my skin- while i'm sure it was happening- cause i was so self-absorbed in my eating disorder)
I'm almost considering myself cured cause i can go on for a couple of months without a bulimic crisis. Even if i have one i realise how much it disgusts me and stop.

I cant help but think this is the case with sp as well. That as long as i want to do it, it's never going away. I'll have to feel i no longer desire to hurt myself in order to have it disappear

This is a very scary thought. It implies i will need a therapist again and i hate that. As much as the last one obviously helped me, i hate to admit i need one again
It also implies all my attempts to stop sp will fail sooner or later...

Of course there is so much meaning in trying not to hurt myself whether i want it or not . My skin looks better, i'm able to show arms and chest without having to worry about it. And this is what i want. I want to pick but i want to have a clear skin as well.

I suppose i want to start wanting NOT to pick and not just force myself. Think this is ever possible? Maybe my attempts will finally get me there? Or are they a temporary solution to the problem while the real problem is deep in myself and not surfacing?

I apologize if i terrified someone with my thoughts.

thanx for listening

take care
butterfly

p.s. I hadnt picked for a week, only a few (but zt in arms and chest). today i picked on my legs and feel bad about it. They heal sooner than any other part of my body but i really think i got carried away and hate me now

[angelkiss]

butterfly,

i think you hit the nail on the head...when you said i want to pick and have clear skin...we don't want to give up the habit, but we don't want the consequences. another thing is that, at least in my case, it was too easy and too comfortable to keep picking. i had no drive to quit. like you did with bulimia, you have to get really unhappy with your habit before you can change it.

you know what i think? you beat bulimia, a very difficult disorder to beat, and you did it on your own. you have learned what needs to be done in order to gain back control of your life. if you did it once, you can do it again with skin picking, and this time it will be easier b/c you will have more confidence in yourself that you can do it. but only when you are ready to quit. don't pressure yourself. it sounds like your zt-ing is working. even if you are still having a few slip-ups, that's how you get the disorder under control. a few slip-ups is a huge improvement from picking a lot every day. remember your successes, and don't put too much emphasis on your "failures" because they aren't failures at all.

i didn't want to quit picking for a long time, but i remember the moment when i changed my mind. i had picked a huge crater on my chest and i had been hiding it from my boyfriend for a week or so. that's tough b/c we live together. and then one night we were together and he was putting the moves on me and was about to take off my shirt, and i freaked out. i had to tell him. he didn't do or say anything mean, it was just the look in his eyes...he looked so disappointed. and of course, the nooky never happened, i mean, what's a better mood-killer than that? but i felt so disgusting. my boyfriend loved my chest, and i felt like i had ruined that for him. and for myself. i never picked my chest normally, but i had just started branching out into new territory, you know how it goes.

and that awful feeling did it for me. it got me to go to therapy, and that helped me to quit. Butterfly, I don't think you can "force" yourself to want to stop picking, but i think if you talk to a therapist, you can maybe change the way you think about picking, and from there, when you see it in a different light, you won't want to do it anymore. good luck, i say go for it!

[Lucy]

Yeah, I used to do the same thing, for about 4 years and now even off and on but your're right. I wanted to stop and I did too. I hope I can still remain strong for when I move out but I think I can when I think of how I have stopped picking for about a week and a half to about 2 weeks now(lost count). So I do think it is the same kind of thinking you have to have with picking and with any eating disorder.
I think that I will always have the urge to throw up food and pick whenever I'm having much stress, but I think talking to someone, or like me, writing in a diary and you talking to a therapist will help you to not reach that point so often in your life.

[Tacobelle]

wow, someone who's in my boat... i've in recovery from bulimia and also trying to beat skin picking... so as u could tell, i'm not feeling good at all about the way i look.. just hope that i can deal with whatever is making me do this