I HATE IT

[maj]

Arrgh, really don't understand why I can't see my own answer. Click on the "I HATE IT" on the right, and you should be able to!?

[Leslie Anne]

yeah, I got 'er. Thanks.

Last night I had a big, bad picking session. Well, I didn't actually create any new scabs, but I pushed out a lot of blackheads that didn't need to be pushed out and were doing fine where they were. err. So, my face was just a bit red in places today.

BUT I haven't touched it at all since last night, and tonight I am going over to a friend's for a little partay and I'm spending the night, so no chance there. Yay!

I can't believe you won't feel like picking with your face being one huge scab. I'd want to pick even more! ... afterall, my CSP started with just regular scabs on my body (mosquito bites).

Anyways, 'nuff stuff about picking. I'm going to go sing! Goodbye!

[Leslie A]

shaaaaat. I picked / stared for an hour this morning. Just when you think you're getting better, you start doing it again...

[maj]

Hello you!

I hope you are OK, and not to sad. It sucks, but I guess that we have to believe it will get better.

As for me, I have been doing pretty good, 9! hole days without picking at all, that's the longest time in more than 3 years, so I guess I should be happy, and believe me I am.
But just right now, I'm not to happy. Can you believe it, I started picking a little scab of, and then like impulse, old habit?? I continued to a place where I knew was 'something'? to pick, and then six other small places, that weren't even there. And these, five minutes, was just when my sister came visiting, can't believe it!

Today I was wearing makeup, first time since all this treatment, and my skin is very tight and will possibly start to flake a little the next days/week or so.
I just makes me SO nervous, because it is so important that I stop, now! having had this treatment done to my face, and it looks like it makes the skin cleaner and better looking but it also takes time to get back to normal.

Did you think about getting some kind of help as I wrote?? Or maybe you already have?

When I was at my mothers house, she took down the mirror in the bathroom, that really helped me.
Now, one day after being back in this damn city, in my small room, I took down one mirror, put paper on another(in the closet) ans took down the light in the bathroom (but put it in this morning to put on a little make up, if I'd only taken it out again, I probably wouldn't have done anything to my face to day, which just shows me, that I can take no chances, and think that I am save at any time, have to keep myself from doing it, in every way all the time, exhausting, but have to, to get to where I need to be, to feel alive and happy again.

The skincare place that I'm going to, I think is only in Denmark, else I would recommend it to you.
But, you should start to do something, I think it is almost impossible to stop, when you only have yourself, that just my experience.

Now I just mustn't fall back, I will not have that happen.
Oh, it takes so much energy, don't think I'm getting to much done (university) but have to hope for better days.
How are you doing??

[maj]

so I stopped again, 3 days.

Now, just now, I have fallen SO DEEP

Things were going quiet well, and I was going to go to my third appointment at the skin clinic tomorrow.

But now I have REALLY RUINED it for myself, totally, my HOLE face, every pore, two hours I have picked, and I don't know what to do with myself!!!
My chest also, and a little my back and arms, it is insane. I'm so sad I can't describe it!

I don't know what to do about tomorrow, have to call her, or go see her and really try to talk to her (skin lady) and tell how big a problem it is for me, and that I'm in therapy and everything. But I'm pretty sure she won't understand, it will be so uncomfortable to go there looking like this now, picked at brand new skin, like crazy. Don't even know if it is possible to go through with the treatment now! Gooood what have I done.
I sad there trying to concentrate on some school work, but I'm almost getting nothing done, this takes up all my energy, and in some ways I wish I didn't have anything like university to think about, because it isn't going well, because of the picking problem, it is a mean circle.
But what! do I do now, it really makes me loose all hope, can't cry this time, last time I did, called my sister and cried my heart out. I will have to tell her what I have done, But I don't think I can really tell my mother, she will be so sad and worried and upset, and mad maybe. She loves me so much and is so worried.

I am worried to, don't want to stop writing right now, cause then I have to be all alone thinking about this.
Shit, what will I tell 'skin'lady, and what am I supposed to do, if I can't stop this!! University going so bad ( wish I could concentrate and focus on that, it is kind off my hobby that I study(music) and then it is going so bad )
Wish I had a boyfriend, who could help, love and support me, but I know, I'm alone in this, it's only me, and I'm so afraid I will never get my life back on track
If I could only take time back, but I can't, and I've ruined the great result of my skin treatment, it was looking soooo good, and now
Pray for me or something, I don't know what, I'm so unhappy, and can't stand it, myself or anything.

It's time. I won't spend more anger on you now
It's about to end. I only need this final

Return to take-off
To take off again now

My runny little wounds snared me for years now
being my excuse for not being me, now..

[anonymousartist]

Maj, sounds like you need a hug. *hugs*

You've only gone and done what so many of us do. You stopped for a while, almost hit the mark, and then got anxious and picked again. But it's ok! We all do it sometimes. You're nowhere near alone.

I'm not sure about your skin treatments but I'm sure they've seen it before. I would think in all the people who seek out these skin treatments that there is a frequency of pickers there. They may not understand it, but surely you won't be the first. Do we even understand it?

I so get what you are on about with college. I did something I "loved" and almost failed out at one point, denying myself to even do work that I enjoyed. There was just so much pressure. It's something I'm still getting over, I guess.

One thing I must stress: DO NOT TRY TO BE PERFECT. They say nobody can be perfect. Maybe they're wrong. I think it's highly possible to be perfect quite often. It's just that it's not at all worth the time and the energy that's forced into it. Pace yourself. Start slow. You just can't get to the finish line without hitting all the bumps in the road, so let that happen. It's natural. It's process.

I'm still learning to do these things myself (but you know, college was at its worst and I still made it through. Don't lose hope of making it through). Pay attention to your physical and mental health needs (whole foods, exercise, meditation, journaling, play some music for yourself) and the rest will come.

[Leslie Anne]

Maj! I have been having a bad weekend too. I cry and cry and am so sad. Nothing seems to be going right, and I don't feel like having people look at me, because I can't stop touching my skin for even one day. Not one day. And tomorrow I am staying home from school because it is just that unnerving. I know this isn't even the worst it has ever been, but it's because I am trying so hard to stop, and becoming so frustrated that I can't. I am so aware, and yet I can't stop picking. My mom is trying to help by only allowing me a certain amount of time in the bathroom, but that seems to aggravate the problem, and I pick because I know I won't get another chance to. errr.

But it's okay. We can do this. I am so glad you are out there for me, Maj, and that we're going through the same things. And Annonymous Artist.. thanks to everyone for replying and really sticking with me and others. I just wish I could stay in bed until my skin healed, but at the same time, I know I couldn't handle that because I would be so bored, which would probably lead to more picking. Ah. Damn stress. I am realising that I am a perfectionist, and just need to let some things go. My "anxiety" is from perfectionism. Goodbye stress. I don't need 98 on every thing I hand in. I don't have to be the best singer. I don't need to always be happy. *Relaxing ocean noises* haha.

Goodnight. I love you all.

[maj]

Hang in there!

And stay away from mirrors!!, as much as it is possible.

And then we have to take good care of ourselves, in every way it's possible.

(try to, but must get better, and not be to critical to myself)

Well, I'll write you later

By the way, had skin treatment, again, for the last time, for now anyway.
It's called Dermapeel, and the kind of treatment she does, is done in Copenhagen, Oslo, and Paris.

Don't know if there is something that reminds of it, other places, if you look on the internet something will come up, but I don't think it is the same thing. (?)

Have you thought about that therapy thing?
I finally found someone good, not a perfect human being , but the best, I believe, for these things, around here (Denmark)

[Leslie A]

I bawled for an hour today, and talked to my mom. It's so hard to say the words... to explain all the feelings you have. It's hard to explain why skin picking is such a big deal.

[Z]

This is the first day of the rest of my life. I know I can quit these ingrained habits, I successfully quit smoking 4 months ago. It is so embarrassing to say I am a 23 year old woman that still picks at my face obsessively. I told my mom today that I really had a problem which she has hinted at for years, but I was too stubborn and ashamed to admit it. So I am sitting here bawling, skipping work because my face is a mess. Of course my problems don't stop there I also bite my nails and my lips. I have been reading up on Face picking (which I just found is somewhat common) and it makes me feel better that there are other people out there with this same problem. Hopefully I will stop picking for good like I stopped smoking, the problem is I am always around my fingers and with smoking it is easy to get away from.

[Picker 1]

As I read your messages back and forth to each other and learned about your history with face picking..All I could think about was how much we have in common. It is crazy...I feel like you described my every emotion and action with skin picking. I started picking in high school as well, when I started breaking out with a little bit of acne. I loved the sensation of stuff coming out of the blackhead or pimple. I am now 25 and I am still battling it. I remember one day during my senior year in high school, I went to the bathroom and I looked in the bathroom to see how I looked. I remember that it was a pretty good face day, maybe only 1 pimple or so. Well,before I knew it, I was picking my face AT SCHOOL!!! I couldn't believe it. I ended up staying in the bathroom for 4 straight hours. When someone would come in the bathroom, I would hide in the bathroom stall until they left. My step mom and dad didn't know how to handle it..they would either ground me when I picked or sometimes my step mom would take away my coverup makeup. It was horrible. I am married to my high school sweetheart now and he has been great. Although he doesn't understand why I pick and the feelings that are associated with it, he will hold my hands when I want to pick or will come get me out of the bathroom (of course without a fight from me). I get so close to the bathroom mirror, that I actually sit in the bathroom sink! I'm a pretty small girl. I too have been blessed with normally nice skin, but I'm sooo obsessed with face picking that I'm afraid I am going to ruin my skin and then it's going to be too late to correct it. I read every beauty magazine about skin treatments, facials, soaps, lotions, etc. I also get facials and I read booked about the healing of skin. It's crazy how I want clear skin so bad, but I pick it and ruin it. I am now in counseling and nothing is really helping. I am on anti-depressant medicines and have been for a while now. I am at the point where I just have to admit that I LOVE picking. No matter what..I just have to do it. I go through cycles where I will pick my face really bad and then I let it heal for a couple days and then I pick again. I can't go into a bathroom without looking in a mirror. I remember a couple years ago..I had a pimple that i was trying to leave alone and I did so for about 5 or 6 hours..Then I was driving to the store and I gave into the obsession. I pulled over into a parking lot, pulled down the mirror over the driver's seat and popped the pimple. How ridiculous that I had to pull over!! Have you guys ever had episodes like that before. I have tried putting socks on my hands, putting a face mask on my face and sleeping with it on. That has helped a little since I can't pick my skin through the face mask. The hardest part is actually going into the bathroom and putting the face mask on without looking in the mirror and popping pimples. Do you feel that you are experts in covering up your pimples and like learning about skin treatments?

[Leslie Anne]

You know, that's funny you ask about being an expert at covering up your zits and skin-picks. One of the things that I feel separates me from other people on this board is the fact that I don't cover up my skin picking. Maybe I did in Grade 7 or 8, buying into the whole cosmetics thing, but I'm really a naturalist. I never wear makeup, let alone coverup. I think true beauty is natural, and honestly, I find people much prettier without makeup, even if they have a few blemishes on their face. Of course, I do not feel very pretty with effing scabs all over my face, because that, my friend, is /not/ natural. I have been trying so hard to not pick, and it seems as though I just pick more. Yesterday, I had a wonderful day -- completely away from home always surrounded by people. That meant I had no chance to pick. So I came home very late, tired, had a shower, my mom reminded me not to pick, and I honestly thought I wasn't going to. I reminded my mom that my mirror was covered with paper, so I couldn't. But I found a little mirror in my room after my shower, just to look ... and I picked. A lot.

sigh.

It's ridiculous. I definitely agree with you about interested in finding out and knowing every way you can improve your skin. For instance, everything I eat, I think about if it will help my skin or not. Even if I'm not hungry, I'll eat almonds or carrots or a pear, because all those things are supposed to make a beautiful complexion -- which I very well might have if I didn't pick it to shreds every day.

For the past two months, I have tried not to pick. I haven't gotten through a single day, but tomorrow... tomorrow I will not pick. I am pretending I am sick this weekend, so I am not going out at all. That brings it on for me a lot, when I know I have to go out in public, I try to make my skin perfect (damn irony of CSP). But do people actually notice? I know a lot of friends that have clear skin, and they seem to think my skin is fine, like they don't pay attention to it. After all, they've never had to pay attention to their skin. They aren't as aware as I am, as we skin-pickers are...