I HATE IT

[Leslie Anne]

hey all. this is crazy. I can't even believe I am typing this. hah. It's bizarre.

But here's the dealio: I have been dealing with compulsive skin picking all my life, really. When I was really young, I picked at mosquito bites like no other. I had to have a "no-pick" shirt that was a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves sewn up! My friends and family also used threats of the flesh-eating disease, but I just kept picking. I never stopped until I was probably about 9, when my best friend would hit me everytime I picked. But the problem was never really resolved. Mosquitoes just stopped biting me. So, when I was about 12, 6th grade, I started to get acne. Nothing terrible at all. Just a few little bumps, not red at all. But I'm a perfectionist. I strive for perfection in everything I do -- I really believe in putting your whole heart and soul in, so you can kick ass! ... the point is, seeing those little blackheads... I had to get rid of them. Who cares about what they always told you about not picking? Of course, it wasn't very serious. But all through my middle school years, it just got worse, and into high school, even worse. I have seriously had days where I just couldn't go to school, looking the way I did, so I'd cry and my caring mother would let me stay home. People would always tell me that I was perfect -- a star rower, talented singer and actress, and a ridiculously high achiever in acedemics -- but I always knew, even in grade 7, that I would never be perfect, because of me. Because of my skin, that I would pick, that I would cause to look bad. I knew it wasn't natural. I knew I shouldn't pick, especially when the holes got so deep. People didn't seem to notice though, and somehow I'd find a way to stop for a few days, and it would get better and I wouldn't have to deal with it until another month or so. But high school... an utter mess. These past 3 years have been absolutely horrible. Grade 11, and I have scabs on my face, scabs that shouldn't be there, because acne isn't really a problem. It's the picking. Everytime I see a mirror - bam. I'm there, scrutinizing every inch ... because what if someone got that close to me? ... ahh.

I never knew there was a name for my problem, for /our/ problem. I wasn't stupid though... I had always wondered about it. I had thought about covering my mirror before, I knew when I went on trips with people my skin would get better because I wouldn't touch, I thought about how I'd relieve stress by picking and then feel terrible afterwards and not go out for days... and after three weeks in the summer at this amazing theatre camp, my skin was beautiful and I felt like an effing babe! See, we lived in dorms with everyone else, and clearly I couldn't pick while others were watching. ... but then I came home, and I massacred my face and it hasn't been good ever since. That was the final straw. I was sick of picking my face, I was done with it. I was daring enough to look it up on the internet, late at night when my family had all gone to bed, and I found all this information. I fit Compulsive Skin Picking to a T. Just marvelous...

I guess I just needed to tell my story. It's this never-ending battle... but I hate to call it that, because it isn't never-ending... I am going to beat it. We are all going to beat it! It's ridiculous, a waste of time, and a waste of emotion. I've told my mom and best friend, and that's enough. Yes, it's been bloody hard so far. I got better (by covering the mirror) but then it got worse, because I just found other "pick" mirrors for myself. DAMN HABITS.hah why do they have to be so addictive? *shakes fist* It's the biggest pain in the ass, and so hard not to do. The habit is so engrained in me. I cannot believe, and was kind of pissed off for the longest time, that my parents didn't figure it out. Oh yes, it's completely normal to go into the bathroom for over 45 minutes and keep saying "I'll be right out" and when you finally appear, your skin is ripped up and red. Riiiiiight.

Anyways, that's it. I bet you guys hear this all the time, and don't really care to reply, but the tips board really makes my life. Plus, I suppose I just wanted to write this to get it all off my chest anyhow. It's inspiring to know there are other people out there suffering from this affliction. Now, I am going to get back to my Arhcitecture in Helsinki, do some stupid Lit homework, and have a shower without touching anything.

Goodnight.

[depickpick]

Welcome and things will get better for you. Once you figure out how to take more control of your environment you will make progress. Here are are some tips that work for some of us.

• We have to change our habits by finding something else to do during our danger times.
• Get fake nails, it makes it hard to pick.
• Use fresh Aloe Vera gel to clean your face and you don’t need to look in a mirror to do that. Try removing or covering all of your mirrors.
• Different types Eczema treatments can be helpful.
• Any type of exercise to up excess energy, I like swimming, walking, yoga and rowing. Exercise creates endorphins that make you feel good and gets ride of stress.
• Meditation is helpful, journaling and dream interpretation
• Working or playing on the computer
• Crafts and hobbies particularly ones that use your hands
• Sometimes if you just press down with your nail on the scabs to relief the pressure helps but don’t let yourself pick.
• I don’t pick when I am on the phone, but that does not work for everyone.
• If you like pets pet an animal
• Garden in the yard or in pots
• Play a musical instrument or learn
• Reading can give you something to do
• My worse time is when I am tired stressed and watching TV.
• Eat popcorn very slowly one kernel at a time feeling each dimension of it with your tongue and eat each lump off one at a time. Try not to each trans fatty acid popcorn. You can pop popcorn in olive oil. But unfortunately I like seasoning salt on it.
• Peel a grape in your mouth
• Ceregem massage beds
• Play old fashioned solitaire or other games.
• If you start picking take a leisurely bath.
• Write a letter about what has stressed you out, and then rip it up. If you want to send it, keep it for several days and review it when you are happy before you send it.
• Admit you have a problem when you are ready to a good friend and ask them to help you.
• Talk to your doctor if you have a good one, if you don’t have a good doctor find one.

Reducing scalp picking tips:
• All of the above
• Nuregena T-Gel shampoo helps me.
• Use fresh Aloe Vera gel on it at night if you are not going out, it’s like weird hair gel
• If you start picking go and wash your hair or start doing something with your hands.
• Different types Eczema treatments seem to help.

Oct 05 version

[Leslie Anne]

Thank you. Oh my goodness, thank you!

And hey, I actually have a tip! hah (it was kind of embarrassing to realise that I had posted my first message on the Tips Board, because I really meant to put it in Support, I suppose, but I didn't really have this whole thing figured out. ANYWAYS)

We had this workshop day where we could go to things that interested us. I went to this "Psycho-Cybernetics" thing... very intriguing. Apparently, it takes the brain 3 weeks to convince it of something, or learn a new habit. In a study, they took random people off the street and made them take foul shots (basketball). Then, for three weeks, they made one group actually practise shooting from the foul line for 20 minutes everyday. The other group was made to visualise making the shot for 20 minutes every day for three weeks. Guess what? Group A improved 25%, and Group B (who were just visualising) improved 23%. This can work with anything! Music, sports, acedemics... and hopefully skin picking. Imagine perfect skin, looking in the mirror and not wanting to pick... etc.

[depickpick]

A very good tip for us all to remember, thanks

[tasha]

oooh i have never come on here b4 i am usually on a different forum but was just browsin and i didnt no that it takes the brain just 3 weeks to learn a new habit. does that mean it takes it 3 weeks to LOSE an old habit then leslie anne?luv tasha xxx

[Leslie Anne]

I assume so. Gawwwwd, I hope so! errr.

[anonymousartist]

Good tip on visualization. I am going to work on that (for every aspect, not just picking).

[lexi]

reading your story made me feel hopeful that there is a chance for me to stop doing this destructive ritual! I am 26 and I have been in search for the end of blackhead picking for years. I did stop for a record breaking 4 days once!!! I realized my skin will push the blackheads out by its self and all i have to do is exfolliate, but trying to talk my self back into it after i slip up and pick again is hard!last night I did slip and I got in bed and cried because I knew I stated the cycle again and felt lost.I called my fiance to come into the room, he replied " what do you need ?" I didn't want to say, well I just picked the crap out of my skin and I need comfort!I don't think he realizes how hard it is to resist the urge. He probably thinks that I can control it and I don't deserve to be babied because i caused my own pain. the truth is i don't deal with work stress very well since i am a very nice person it is hard to put up boundaries to authoritative figures so I am constantly being treated like crap at work by my manager. I need words of encouragement-Lexi

[Leslie Anne]

oh my, of course I know how you feel. 4 days would be a record for me too, if you don't count the 3 weeks I spent away from home with people around me constantly. At this point, I can't even make it one day without picking. I feel terrible (not as happy and gung-ho about quitting...). In the past week, I too have gone to sleep crying, wondering what I am doing to myself, but I can't. I just can't stop. And I am wondering, just throwing this out there -- does anyone feel worse sometimes now that they know it's actually a disease? Obviously when you first find out, you're like "Yes! I'm not crazy! Other people go through this too," but now, I feel... I feel even more helpless at times, knowing that it's the CSP taking over, and no matter how hard I try to stop, it just conquers. It's so ingrained in me and my brain and my daily routine. Before I'd just be like "ah, you picked your stupid face again" and feel bad, but now it's like, "Shit! You are trying to stop and you can't. BAH" Again, hah I HATE IT. Good luck though Lexi. We will together to get past 5 days without picking...

[maj]

Hi Leslie Anne!

And everyone else on this site.

I know what you're talking about, way to good!!! About picking, not feeling able to stop, and not trusting yourself, feeling so down etc. I don't know where you are from, but I'm from Denmark, so I'm sorry, that my spelling isn't to good. Well, anyway, there doesn't seem to be anything like this on the internet, or anywhere else in danish, and I have never really heard about anyone else like me, so that is why I'm writing here.

I found out, that there is a name for doing this to yourself, 10 months ago. And the next, almost two days, I left everything totally alone, both my face and body, feeling a little 'high', even though it was during an exam. But then it has been the same old s*** ever since. The longest of not picking, has been a couple of days, but its been almost every day.
It's not my intention to drag you or others down, more then you already are, just wanting to let some of my frustration and thoughts out here.
I feel like I'm missing out on my life, and it makes me really sad. Maybe I should tell you, I'm 26, female, going to university.
It just makes you hate yourself, especially when I'm thinking, "oh, I'm just going to 'clean' everything out of my face this time, and then leave it alone" It's really bad to allow myself that. And of course it never happens, I continue. It's like be a alcoholic, I imagine, picking one place, and then continue, almost every time.

This morning i did it again, thinking, I'll just get rid of some of the scabs, and then I started picking anyway.

Now the thing is, in four hours I'm going to a clinic for a very harsh face peeling. You get some ting put on your face, and then mustn't wash it for twelve hours, and in some days it will start to tighten and then flake off. It's supposed to help clear the skin and help against scars. I'm going to my mother today, cause I'll look awful the next week or more.

But I'm SO SCARED, that I will just continue in the same hard way after-wards (and even during).

I have had it done to my back, and that has helped so much. And to my chest, but for some reason I haven't stopped picking there.

I thought about what you wrote with the three weeks, and know that I should maybe wait with this treatment, but a part of me has a crazy hope, that it will help my stop, even though I'm not to optimistic.

Well, I hope you made it to the end of this long scribble.
And very much, that someone will write and respond.
Didn't mean to 'use' your thread, but thought that maybe more people would read it. Tried writing before, where no one answered.
The last thing, have you thought about finding a good psychologist?
Buy for now, and hugs to you, even though I don't know you, I know for sure what you are going through (having dealt with this for more than 10 years)
Wish me luck, going to need that.

[Leslie Anne]

Maj, I hope your facial peel goes well, and that it really helps you on the path on not-picking.

It is so hard, isn't it? If I don't pick tonight, it will be an almost totally pick-free day...!

Do you do a lot of exercise? I have been going for 5.5 km runs lately for rowing training and not washing the sweat off my face afterwards, because apparently sweat is good for your skin. Along with trying not to pick (which just means a slight decrease in picking because my aunt is here and I had to take down the paper over my mirror), the sweat thing has been working. I know that I am an over-washer, and tend to dry out my skin, so now it's all glowing (even though it has scrapes and scabs scattered about). It makes me feel pretty good. And tomorrow I am going out for lunch and study time! yay! Gets me out of the house, away from mirrors, away from this ridiculous obsession.

Good luck again Maj! Good luck tonight, and tomorrow morning and tomorrow afternoon and every second you might want to pick. DON'T!

[Maj]

Hey Anne

Thanks alot for your answer.
Yes, I to hope it will help, it's pretty easy not to pick, because of the fact that my face is one big scab!
But I know, from having tried it once before, that it will be much harder when that stars to come off.
First time i tried it, I didn't go through with the treatment, cause it takes time. And also I picked the scabs off, so this time I really have to be prepared and stronger.
The hardest, I think, will be that after wards there will be more breakouts, because the treatment will bring out what is under the skin surface, sounds disgusting, but it makes me nervous. But I can only hope, and try not to get to nervous or provoked by breakouts, and focus on, what we all of course know, that the skin is much better looking without scabs, and that some pimples and stuff isn't the end of the world, and have to go away in its own time. Well. I know all this, and still I don't trust my self, and I get nervous.
Enough with that now.

I hope you are OK! I know if anyone, that it is almost impossible to get out off on your own, that is why I asked about the psychologist, if you haven't tried that, you really should, and the best is if you can find someone who knows about things like this: Skin Picking, OCD, self image and so on.
I finally found someone who knows about these things (this august), here in Denmark. But my impression is that they are ahead in countries like USA and England. Are you from Helsinki or? Do try and look into that! It needs to be someone you have some confidence in.
(Oh, my English is bad, thanks god thats not what I study ;D)

I to wash my face way to much, wash, peel, scrub, and peel of the scabs, then start to pick and pick. I think it gets worse when I'm alone, tired, depressed, etc. It's harder to destroy yourself if you are happy and relaxed, but I know easier said than done.

The exercise thing, I should really do some more, I know it helps you relax, and to think a little more positive. So well done.

I think you're supposed to wash when you have been working out, but not overdo it of course!
But I'm not Mrs. know it all, so do whatever works the best for you, as long as it doesn't lead to picking.

Yes I know, mirrors are the worst enemy, I need to stay away from them as much as possible, but then you start talking yourself into looking, close. Maybe from having done it for so many years, but it's not exactly the best excuse.

Well, a long letter once again,
buy for now, hugs, M

[maj]

OK, that's weird, sometimes I can see my own answer and sometimes not.

What is the address of this site, I can only get to i by searching!

Hope you get my answer L.A.

[maj]

OK. that's weird, sometimes I can see my own answer and sometimes not!

What is the address of this site? I can only get to it by searching!

Hope you get my answer L.A.

[maj]

Hey, I send you a long answer, but now I can only get to it by clicking on "I HATE IT" to the right of the message board, so try that if you can't see it as well, or maybe it is just me that's really bad at computer, anyway, hope you get the answer