|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 15, 2009 21:20:18 GMT -5
Journal Entry Day 1
Well, I've been meaning to do this journal for a while. I hope I'm posting in the right place. My goal is to go for 30 days ZT-pick-free.
My problems with CSP are mostly a run-over from my days of being a warfare trich- that means that I pulled out my hair. I was a trich for over 10 years from the age of 15. It's only been 3 years since I've been able to eliminate the worst of my hair-pulling, and 1.5 years since I've been nearly trich-free. By that I mean that 1.5 years ago was the last time I had to shave my head, and was able to let my hair grow out without causing bald spots. I still pull occasionally, however it's not enough to notice. At my worst I had pulled out by hand 98% of the hair off my head. I resembled a severely abused Seed of Chucky.
Since I've managed to quell my trich tendencies, now I'm battling CSP. This is how I feel about my CSP now- I write about worms and eggs because that is what it feels like to me:
Painful face
I've cut you with my razors sharp
You bleed, I cry
Seeping wounds
White, yellow, red, black
Liquified worms
Inside my skin
Inside each crack
I scrape and peel
White eggs again
What the f*** are those?!
Get it out! Get it out!
Push down, Squeeeeze,
Pinch, Releeease.
Ahhhhh. You bite me back,
Bug-ridden skin.
My shoulder ligaments
Sear with pain from
Holding up my hands to the mirror
Above my head, Around my neck
Five hours
I've steamed my face
20 times this night already
But still you crawl
I try to "clean" the Deep One
It's too far down
But I can't help it.
I scrape the surface raw
and then PUUUSH
my forefingers down into it
WANT TO P O P it
It won't
I keep smashing it into my nails
The pain blackens my vision
I look at my nails
They are covered in white egg sacs,
Blood, and flesh.
My brain vomits
I dig for more.
I wipe them on the mirror.
Hello, I say to them
Trophies
One will not come out
Cuticle nippers attack!
They grab like pincers
The whiteness is stuck
Like a cork
Euphoria- just pulling skin
Away from skin
Pop! The plug unpugs.
A hole... dark, red, bleeding.
My work is done. I rinse.
Then bandage.
Hello my sweet pillow.
What sweet dreams shall be tonight?
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 17, 2009 11:45:15 GMT -5
Ok, well I'm bad with time. Not sure if it's been one day or two since my last post. Something of a consequence of my skin-picking is isolating myself, sometimes for weeks on end. Time seems to blur.
Anyways, my goal is a 30-day no pick goal. I plan to do it ZT. I'm not starting it today or tomorrow even. I've decided to have some build-up days. Kind of like drawing in a deep breath before diving underwater.
So I've noticed that my skin becomes remarkably clearer after spending a lot of time at the beach, in the ocean. My problem is so debilitating that I actually just moved to Florida just for my skin... in with the parents... ugh. Oh well, I really don't give a crap about diddly-squat else in my life at the moment. My entire family could die and the world could burst into flames- so long as my skin is clear, I will smile through it and be genuinely happy.
I think that's a sign of how deep these issues run. Maybe it's a subconscious form of narcissism- one that I won't admit to myself- that I am more important to myself than any thing else, period.
Whatever the underlying issues are, I don't care at this point. This problem has run me to the ground. I can only function at the simplest level. Get up (barely), manage to get food (barely), maintain some level of living order (barely). I'm out of a job- need to get one, but I just can't go through with it at the moment.
Oh, well... back to the ocean, and happy thoughts :-)
So I've noticed BIG improvements when I'm in the sun, and swimming in the ocean. I figure soon I will see that improvement in my skin that will allow me to start my ZT program.
Ok, so here are my ZT rules for when it starts:
1. Cover the mirror. Not allowed to look at face, when getting ready in the morning or getting ready for bed, except for TWO quick precursory glances at face per day to assess healing; one in morning, one at night. All other mirrors that I see or come across throughout the day are OFF LIMITS. Perhaps someday in the future this won't be the case, but definitely now and for the 30-day-ZT-pick-free-fest- off limits. :::grim smile:::
2. Zero Tolerance. That means zero tolerance, period. No touching, no scratching, no feeling. No brushing hair off of forehead, no back-handed touches, no fingers on the face, not even to scratch a nose itch. No fingers in the mouth. If I'm eating, not even licking fingers is allowed. No ears can be touched. The scalp is also off limits. No scratching a head itch, no messing with the hair. In fact, there will be a distance rule, like a big bubble all around my head- say 6 inches. No hands within 6 inches of my head. This rule applies 24/7 except for during Bathroom Time, for Contact Lenses and Massage- listed below.
3. Bathroom time. The one of three times that the previous rule doesn't apply is once in the morning, and once at night when I get up and go to bed. In the bathroom the following will occur and only the following: steam face with hot water, or rinse with cold- whichever feels better; wash with cleanser if needed; pat dry; apply any products if needed; one quick glance to assess spots; apply make-up to cover spots if needed; put in contacts; fix hair. End of story. Time limit for this 5 minutes (minus fixing the hair, of course.) The order of bathroom events is changeable.
4. Contact Lenses. Contact Lenses are worn at my pleasure, and for this reason I reserve the right to put them in and take them out whenever I please. This means that I may look in a mirror at any time in order to help me to put them in or take them out, outside of Bathroom Time. However, I shall be focused SOLELY on my contact lenses. I will not focus on other parts of my face, even to glance at it, or make note of spots. When I am putting in or taking out my contact lenses my hands will touch my face ONLY in the capacity of putting in or removing my lenses. Also during the day, if one or both of my eyes becomes irritated, dry or something gets stuck on my lenses, I reserve the right to touch my eyes and eye area with my hands to dislodge or ease the irritation.
5. And last but not least- MASSAGE. I will be beginning daily eye and face massages, for my own purposes. During this time I will be able to touch my face, but again ONLY in the capacity of massaging. Any deviations will be punished severely. If my brain is tired, fuzzy, muddled or unclear, massage will be dis-allowed on the grounds that it's too high-risk for trance-picking relapse.
I think I've thought of everything... if not, I'll post with amendments, but I think that covers most of it.
I also like the idea of calling this the 30-Day-ZT-Pick-Free-Fest. I'll use that as a mantra when I feel the urges along with my other favorite, "Zero Tolerance!"
My plan is to think about these ZT rules everyday and analyze my touches... backhanded touches, scratching touches, scanning touches. And just take note of them. And then remind myself that when I start ZT they will be outlawed! Sometimes I will catch myself only after the touch has started, kind of like waking up in the middle of it and realizing it too late. I want to improve my awareness so that that doesn't happen anymore.
So for now, I will just think about my ZT rules and improve my awareness. The 30-Day-ZT-Pick-Free-Fest begins soon!
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 18, 2009 0:10:16 GMT -5
It's been about twelve hours since my last post. Ok, so this post dives a little bit more into my psyche and the feeling, emotions and thoughts that occur...
And I thought of an addendum... Eating, of course!
6. While eating, the 6 inch rule doesn't apply, of course, but the no-touch rule still applies.
Second addendum:
7. It's ok to touch my face in the ocean water at the beach, to get the water out of my eyes. I have pretty much a 0% risk factor while I'm swimming in the ocean trying not to get thrown under waves, etc.
Today was an ok day. I have spent a lot of time in front of the mirror today. Picking, digging out eyebrow hairs. That's another activity that has to stop. I'm even known to dig out eyelashes. The last time I did that my entire eyelid got infected and swelled up as if someone had punched me. Crazy stuff.
So far today, I've had at least two extra picking sessions more than normal due to triggers on account of my family- first my mom, and then my brother, whom I hate. Usually when I stay centered they don't affect me, but today I was a little off.
Well, there is this one spectacular spot below my lower lip just above my chin to one side. It feels like a canker sore from both sides of my lip, like something internal. There is also a head that comes up on the outer side, but kind of funnel shaped, with a widening crater coming to the top.
Well I pinched the sh*t out of that mofo yesterday, leaving this "crater" thingy... so perfectly shaped it almost looks designed. The center is dark dark red with a hint of black with this shmock-shwing plug-type aspect... almost how you'd think of a drain-hole. Then the edges of the "crater" are pink and white. I get excited everytime I see it. Before I pinched it out the center and body of the "crater" where filled with this white thingy that came out in one piece. It was funnel shaped- opposite the crater that's in my skin, hard- like cartilage, and mostly white with streaks of red and yellow. It was the largest white eggy-type thing I'd ever gotten out before.
When it came out I swear it did the "sssssss-shhh-shmmmmop--ppssssss" thingy sound, like when you pull a plug out of something. Then like liquid starts to pour out the hole, like it was released from pressure...
When it came out I had the deepest sense of serenity, euphoria, freedom, and rejoicing. Even thinking of that moment now makes me squeal a little from euphoria.
Even more pleasing to me is to rinse it out, look at its yummy dark-red centeredness in the mirror and then put a spot bandage on it with either oil or medicine. I get special pleasure knowing that it's infection will seep out over the next few hours and soak into the bandage's white square, and when I take it off in the morning, I will see all that infection and juice which will have seeped onto the bandage. Then I will get to throw it away, and I will have convinced myself that I've thrown away a bad part of myself.
One other thing... I've been ravaging my eyebrows now for some weeks. Maybe 4 or 5 weeks. I've plucked out the outer lines,... the upper lining, and the lower lining, so that my eyebrow lines are much thinner than usual. Also I've pulled out many from the inner edge, making them a bit shorter than usual. I have been pulling them out with cuticle nippers, because I've banned myself from ever owning tweezers (because of my hair-pulling obsession from years past).
The skin around my brows is very damaged and traumatized. It's flaky, dry, and scaly from me contantly peeling it away to access new hairs that are just growing in so that I can pull them out. When I was a warfare trich I had pulled out all my brows and lashes many 10's of times over the course of some years. My brows have in the past been much worse than now, however the level of destruction I have caused lately is unacceptable to me, and this 30-Day-ZT-Pick-Free-Fest marks THE END of it. My brows and lashes have been mutilated for the last time.
I'm so grateful to my strong constitution that even after god-knows how many times I've ripped them out, they have always recovered eventually with no sign of destruction. I know my brows and lashes can recover even now.
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 18, 2009 11:48:53 GMT -5
So wow, I'm feeling better about starting my 30 days soon. I don't know. Something about the ocean drains a lot of the nerves out of me. Maybe a lot of this is some kind of nervous system malfunction...
I got more white thingies out this morning. It was pleasant taking the bandages off. They were all covered in yellow infection, which gives me a sort of sick pleasure. The one spot below my lip has filled in with a pale-ish white substance of sorts. I'm not feeling any compulsion to dig that out, and there's not too much pain in or around it. Not enough to drive me insane and dig it out.
There were a few other spots however that gave me pleasure to pinch out. I guess over night the white stuff came to the surface under the bandages. When I took the bandages off you could see them sticking almost out above the skin, like little white ripe berries. Even though I'd just cut my nails last night, it was no problem to scrape them out... and OHHH, was it delightful. They were solid, and globular, and when they came out the skin was left completely smooth. Raw, and bleeding, but oh, so smooth and unblocked.
Overall this morning I think things went better than usual. There were only 4 or 5 spots that I picked at instead of my usual 10 or 20.
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 19, 2009 11:45:43 GMT -5
Ok, well I'm getting hopeful to start soon. My face feels pretty good today. I think just a few more times in the sun, and I'll be ready to start my project. It's going to be rainy for the next few days, so probably by next week I'll start.
This morning wasn't bad at all. I got up, rinsed my face, and didn't really pick at it. Just scraped some skin and scabs off. They didn't bleed so it's not too bad. My lip hurts bad, however. And I'm still getting picking impulses, especially on smooth spots where the skin grew over, because I'd peeled the top layers of skin away. When it grows back, it feels like plastic sheets on my skin and annoys be greatly. I then feel like ripping them off, but of course, that leaves my skin raw and hurting. I'm going to try to just leave them alone today, since I'm doing so well.
Well, I'm thinking about how I'm going to do this Zero-Tolerance thing. I think that I will allow 5 slip-ups per week for the rules that don't involve touching; three slip-ups per week for the rules that do involve touching; and one slip-up per week for an actual pick. However, any pick longer than 15 seconds is immediate disqualification. That means that I have to start all the way back at Day One again. This has to be consecutive 30 days. As for the slip-ups... they don't come free. As for the allowed slip-ups, I don't have to start back at Day One when they occur, but I DO have to add an extra day for every slip-up that happens.
Maybe I'll write another post sometime with clearer explanations. I'm a little muddled right now... heh. Ok, signing out for now.
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 20, 2009 14:41:10 GMT -5
This morning has been looking up. There wasn't too much irritation upon waking, and there were only a few spots that I felt the need to manipulate. I mostly just focused on pulling out a few brow hairs that were beginning to come back in. Pulled a few lashes as well.
I've been taking 8-10 teaspoons of salt water sole recently. I've head that it does wonders for your insides, your digestive tract and rids a lot of parasites besides. I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm craving it a lot, so maybe it's helping.
I think that one of my triggers is thinking or feeling that people are judging me. For this reason, I hate people. And yes, I hate you, too. What I've noticed is that I take extra glee in luring people into my traps, causing them to believe that I am innocent, and then slicing their egos and minds into shreds pretty much. I take pleasure in the fact that it's now painful to them to know me, whereas before it was pleasant... as if they couldn't see it coming?! Pft. Anyone who takes pleasure in being with me earns my scorn.
What's sad is that I feel pain in my isolation, but actually prefer to feel the pain of isolation as opposed to the pain of withholding my claws when I let people close. Not clawing someone, when they are in reach is ludicrous to me, and I also despise people who would not do the same. The people in this life that I have become the closest to, have insulted and struck me both mentally and physically the most.
I think a week more and I'll be ready to begin.
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 21, 2009 21:29:09 GMT -5
M'kay, so I've decided to set June 1st as my start date. Not much else to report right at the moment. I've been doing pretty well today. No major picking sessions. But my face is pretty painful. I'm in constant pain. And it really gets me down. It's still raining here, so I haven't had a chance to get to the beach lately. Hopefully it'll clear in the next few days, and I'll be feeling better. I just remember the days when I came back from the beach that my skin was so much better- flawless actually and all the pain stops. Even when it's flawless and painless though I still get urges and impulses to pick. That's my main reason to try and get my skin feeling happier in general before I begin this ZT-challenge... just need all the help I can get... and the going 30 days pick-free is ESSENTIAL to my rehab. For my own mental health and for the sake of my own skin.
I have another plan for my month of ZT. I'm going to put a chart on the mirror in my bathroom... every time I get the urge to pick I'm gonna put a mark on the page, and tally up how many urges I get every day. I used to put x's for the times I messed up, but I don't plan on messing up this time... besides which if I do mess up, it would set my time back to Day 1 again. Not a happy thought.
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 23, 2009 14:04:10 GMT -5
I went ahead and started getting ready for the challenge. Put a paper cover in the middle of the mirror. That way I can just mark it, when I get an urge. Maybe when I'm doing really well, I can put star stickers or something cool there every time I resist.
Otherwise, I don't know what to do with this pain. Just hoping for some sunny weather soon. It seems to make the pain go away.
Haven't picked too much this morning. 1 or 2 spots, plus some brow hairs. It looks pretty bad though. Red spots galore. A lot of scars.
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on May 25, 2009 13:25:32 GMT -5
I just realized the perfect analogy for this problem... It's like someone is pushing your head under the water and you are drowning, but just as you can't last any longer, your head comes up and you barely gulp in breath before your head is dunked under again, and you are drowning.... and it goes on... and on... and on... and on... and on... and on... and on... and on... over and over... and over... and over
and over...
And Over...
...this feeling is the worst... it's worse than even normal chronic pain... it's living your life, dying every minute of it. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Picked a lot of scars today. No bleeding except one spot which is swollen to the size of a pea on the inside of my brow. It's sunny out today, so it felt good to get in the sun. Overall my skin "looks" better, clearer, smoother, but it still hurts like a mofo.
Everything looks good to start ZT on June 1st.
|
|
|
|
Post by SkyCloudGirl on Jun 2, 2009 22:29:57 GMT -5
Ok, well... I failed. Yes, I failed already. It sucks.
Let me back up, because it's been about a week since I posted last.
I've been picking... bad. But I honestly feel like it's something inside my skin, something that's NOT supposed to be there. I don't know how to explain it, but it's incredibly exhausting. I can constantly feel it there, inside, writhing, itching, hurting, paining. I am in constant pain.
Now I have come to a whole new level of pain that I didn't know before... now, for some reason my skin, and my scalp feel like they are being cut by razors... except without me actually cutting them. It just feels like they are being sliced over and over even when I'm just doing nothing! The nerves are sooo raw. :-( Then the pain goes down my neck and into my arms, my stomache, and then my stomache and even whole body writhes because I feel like knives are cutting into my skin even when there's nothing. Agh!
This is sheer insanity.
Today I was at the beach and there was a pool of water in the sand; pre-ocean, as it were... I laid in it and slowly lowered my head back into the water, just praying to be able to let my body relax. My entire body is tight just because of this pain, and the fact that I'm constantly clutching my stomache from it. As my head began to go into the water, it just shot knives all over my scalp and I cried like a wounded animal, laying there in the shallow water, my lower body floating while I tried to lay back my head and shoulders. I writhed in pain. Then finally after whimpering the pain away, I closed my eyes tight to help release some more pain, and with my ears under water, I could here this "buzzing"... almost like the buzzing of electricity, and it was vibrating from within my head and all over my scalp. My entire scalp and face muscles were twitching and creating this pulsing and extremely painful electric vibration... the feeling of knives and razors slashing the skin to shreds. And this was simply from squeezing my eyes shut. That's all... not trying hard to stress my head or other muscles. Just squeezing my eyes shut while floating on my back in some water.
I failed my June 1st date. I also have failed June 2nd. Besides failing on June 1st, something even worse happened... I pulled out hair. It was a "troubled" spot on my scalp. It's one of the few spots that will "throb" to me, talk to me, occasionally from time to time, in the way of my older trich days.
And so it is that every few months this spot gets ravaged a bit, beaten up a bit... and it keeps coming back, healing over, and going into recession, but always coming back to say hello to me in that painful pressured way the skin has of begging to be purged of hairs.
Again I don't know how to explain it, but the spots become "hot" to the touch, and sharply painful... as if someone drilled a hole in your scalp, and jabbed poison darts into your skin. The only thing you can think about is getting them the f*** out! And when they come out, the roots are covered in a thick clear gel, and the pore in the skin where they come out "pops" (in my head I can even feel it hissing...) and fluid flows out of the hole. Then the pressure goes away, and even though it still hurts like hell, the feeling that something foreign is in the skin goes away.
After I've pulled a large section, the whole area throbs like a mother, and usually it ends up inflaming surrounding areas.... That usually leads to pulling out more and more surrounding hairs, until, voila!- huge bald spots... which is, of course, what happened to me many a time over the previous years.
I have lived that nightmare too many times... I couldn't even tell you what it put me through in 10 volumes of writing... but suffice it to say, that I now KNOW with EVERY F***ing FIBER of my BEING that pulling out the hair, no matter HOW relieving it may be initially, brings only COMPOUNDED 50,000 times more PAIN, SUFFERING, and TORTURE. Yes, that's right... TORTURE.
This is how I know that I will NEVER again be without hair to cover my head.
However, I do still occasionally pull spots,... and this one was bad. It's a spot right behind my ear. And it's the largest one in 2 years. The length of a razor blade, and the width of a quarter. It's not visible when my hair is let down or pulled in a pony tail... or curled with an iron, which is why I'm not panicking. 3 months time and the hairs will fill in and it will be disappeared again... But it's the principle of the thing. Plus, the thing is painful.
I'm wondering if I pulled it, in a panic that I would stop skin-picking...? A sort of panic to precede the withdrawal process...?
My face now is feeling a bit better however. I've burned it in the sun today... and that somehow makes all the whiteheads and zits go away. It's a feeling of peace. My skin is burned, but it's friggin clear, and smooth, and not runny with infection or itchy with crawly feelings. I much prefer burned skin the the sensation of things crawling around in it.
I've bandaged my remaining sores... the ones that being in the ocean from sunrise to nearly sunset didn't heal. I went to the ocean early this morning and stayed in the entire day. Only got out to eat, and take a few hours break during mid-day... so as not to burn to peeling. My skin is burned just shy of peeling, which is what I pretty much aimed for.
I'm not going to go outside tomorrow of course. I'll let this treatment heal over. Maybe in a few days I do the all day in the ocean treatment again. And then at that time, I'll be ready for ZT.
Will write again. Am determined to do 30-day ZT.
Signing out.
|
|
