hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

I am picking and picking. I think, I am going crazy.

I do not know what is happening inside of me, but it is not good. I have not been able to eat anything since friday and I think that is another sign of me being really down.

I think the picking is not only to handle the pain. It is also to make it visible. A physical manifestation of my emotional pain. A silent, but visible cry for help.

hoppe

[ameise ameise]

Oh hoppe!

I am so sorry you are having such a hard several days.

I opened the board to your last post which starts " I am picking & picking..." and I thought "no, this must be an old post, I must be in the wrong place..." That is not to make you feel like you are really back-sliding, just to let you know that I was expecting only good news. But after I clicked back & read all your posts since yesterday, it makes sense how you have arrived and picking and picking...

I wish so much that I could help you from here. I am even going to give you my phone number... seems a little risky to put on the boards, but I will just have faith -- I don't know the country code, but if you want to reach me any time 530 756 1006.

Hoppe, like Jamieleee said, yes sometimes I think things have to get worse before better. Therapy didnt make me pick more, but at first reading a book my therapist gave me about OCD and even coming to the boards did make me pick more -- I think just b/c my mind was on it for sustained time periods .... not while regretting, but just thinking about it, and the urge would build up.

I think it sounds like your therapist tapped into some deep stuff. But, yes, I think this hard part may be neccessary. i know you will get better.

Perhaps this ultimately will even be a way for you and your boyfriend to get closer -- it's not that he will never know how to handle crises well, it's just that he has to learn. Have you shared with him that you talked about really difficult things with the therapist, expained that it may have brought the pain closer to the surface....
One thing that stood out that he said was that the part of you that wants to pick must feel triumphant over him.... obviously, if that is true at all, the triumphant is very small compared to the guilt, regret & shame....
I feel like he needs to understand how you are fighting against yourself, not against him... maybe having him as the enforcer is not a good role after all...

well, my thoughts are with you. Please take care. Things will get better.

It is fine on this side of the world. ZT is working for today & yesterday.

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Thank you.
I cried when I saw you had put your telephone number in your post. I really hope that nobody will misuse it. But it means so much to me that you did that. The feeling that someone cares so much about me to do that.... . Thank you. I wrote it down and everytime my eyes fell on the piece of paper, I smiled. I cannot afford to call you right now, but I want to do it some day. I would love to hear your voice!!

I think the therapist somehow managed to pull off the scab from a really deep old wound and the pain is unbearable. I cannot say how he did it. During the session and right afterwards I did not feel in pain. But something happened friday evening after I came home. It might be that it also had something to do with the replacement behaviour he suggested. He said that he had consulted another psychologist about it, and this one had suggested that everytime I feel the urge to pick, I should instead of harming my skin try to caress it gently (I hope caress is the right word for it, I do not remember the one he used, but I think you know what I mean).... . I was instantly sceptical about it, because I think a replacement behaviour that involves pain, like a rubber band around the wrist for instance, would be better for me - or one that does not involve skin at all, because doing this I would still be aware of my skin. However, he asked me to try it and also to write down how I feel in that second where all I want to do is pick, but I instead caress.

I did as he asked me to. And the pain inside of me was terrible. I wanted to harm myself, but instead my hand was caressing the skin on my cheek - it felt wrong and good at the same time. And when I wrote down how I felt I realized how I always wanted someone to do this, how I never was touched as a child, because my mother was not around and my father could not make himself do it. He is not a very 'physical' person, the few occassions I remember where he patted my head/cheek it felt awkward and strange. I think, he maybe also felt that he had to be careful as a single father, so nobody would come and accuse him of touching me in the 'wrong way'. I wrote in another post that during my teenage years, when there finally where guys that wanted to touch me, I could not bear it, it felt like they were burning me... . I was wondering if it is sensory integration disorder, but I think it might just be that I wanted it so much and when I finally got it, it hurt, it hurt, to realize what I had not gotten for all those years and I was not able to accept it. And even now I often have problems and have to push my boyfriend away becaue I cannot handle it. But deep down, it is all I want - someone who pats me on the head and tells me that it is okay, that I am okay, that everything will be okay ..... .

I talked to my boyfriend for several hours yesterday and I hope that he got it this time. It felt that way. I cannot go to work today beause I look like hell, and my boyfriend decided to stay home too and spent the day with me. I am very grateful for that. I still feel in pain and I am sure I would end up picking five seconds after he left.

ameise, when I started writing here I did not imagine that I would be able to feel so close to someone that I have never met. I truly hope that one day I will be able to meet you face to face and thank you for your support. And of course, I want to be pick-free that day. Just a little dream of mine.

hoppe (kathrin)

[ameise as guest]

Hoppe-Kathrin,

I am so glad to hear you & your boyfriend are home together, taking care of each other.

and thank you for telling me your name -- it actually also makes me feel closer to you, because my family on my mother's side has a tradition of giving similar middle names to girls... so my middle name is Karina, and my mother's middle name was Karin. Also, when I was in middle school, we had alternate "french names" that we used in french class, and the name I chose was "Kathrine."

Hmm.. the replacement behaviour and your response seem very powerful & profound. I was lucky that my mom was very affectionate. She also had a short temper & yelled like crazy, but she also "conditioned" me to like and be responsive to a lot of hugging, etc... It is kind of funny that this is coming up now, because just a few days ago, my boyfriend was commenting on how
I really see to respond to, to like affection... and I said it was porbably because I was accustomed to need need it by my mom. This surprised him, as he said he thought of our relationship as having a lot of fighting... I told him there was both.

Here, I have discovered that I cannot do complete Zt without my paper chart of colored squares... i went 2 days of ZT & then yesterday I had a bunch of whiteheads & popped some of them. Again, it wasn't really damaging to my skin... but I want more ZT practice.

I realized I need the paper chart, because what went on in my head beofre I went ahead & popped those whiteheads was something like "Did I really decide to do absolute ZT... maybe I decided that wasn't a realisitc goal.... did I really commit not to pick at all?" Whereas when I had the chart, I knew -- there was tangible physical evidence - that my intention was no picking for 21 days. So I made a new 21 day chart. Day 1 today, Monday the 25th.

I would live to meet you, too, hoppe.

If you ever want to come to CA, pick free or not, you & your boyfriend are welcome at my place. you are right that it is comepletely surprising to feel you know someone well enough through the internet to make that offer -- but I do feel that way.

Have a nice day, you & your boyfriend, the two of you.

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

It is 8 pm at my place. I spent an okay day with my boyfriend. And I did ZT - though I have to say, I did not have a choice. My boyfriend is constantly breathing down my neck now...... ;D . It is hard sometimes, but I hope it will help. His help, the therapy, this board and your support - I hope this will help me to make it.

I am sorry about the few pores .... it is like everytime we do really good for some days we loose focus of the goal. As if we forget how bad this is, a couple of pores, what's that and suddenly we are back at it... . I do not know if it is our mind that tries to trick us? Good you made a new 21 day chart. Maybe I should try that too?

ameise, interesting that your mother's middle name is Karin - my mother's name is Karin too! Funny coincidence? Or maybe it is because your mother came from Germany, it is a quite common name there. BTW - I have been wanting to ask you - how much German do you speak??

I am more calm than I have been for days. Thank God. I really thought I was going crazy ... .

I am thinking about you!

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

just a quick response, while I'm at work.

I understand quite a bit of german, and I speak "household" german -- i can get around and do daily things, shop, exchange some pleasantries, but I cannot really express myself about deeper ideas, politics, philosophy, etc.

I am very glad you are calmer. I feel pretty calm here, too.

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I am still doing 'forced ZT'. But I can tell you, my skin is happy for it! However, I am taking another day at home (so does my boyfriend.... ;D).

You know, I realized today that the 'forced ZT' actually is different from the ZT I did. Because, although I did not pick, I would still inspect a lot and put on lotion all the time. While now, my boyfriend even keeps me from that. I get like 2 minutes in front of the mirror after the shower to clean/moisture. That is much better for my mind (and maybe even for my skin?). And of course, I am also much less tempted, because I do not have time to see every little clogged pore/white head etc..

I always thought that this would completely freak me out - I mean not being able to check. Like I thought if I cannot check, my face will break out terribly, I need to look, I need to know, I need to be able to take precautions (i.e. pick or put something antibacterial on the spot). But now, I am actually calm, although I am not allowed to inspect. And there is another thing - before, when I saw something, I often felt that I had to take care of it, as if some higher power was demanding it from me, it was my responsebility to remove this thing before it would get worse. The feeling is still there, but not as strongly, because I am telling myself that it is not my fault if I cannot pick/remove a particular spot - it is my boyfriends fault, he keeps me from it, so if anybody thinks I should have removed that one, go and complain to him..... .

This feeling of having to remove something before it gets worse, in a way it reminds me a lot of being bulimic and having to throw up the food before it makes me fat...... I had to learn that I would not get fat even though the food stayed inside. I need to learn now that I will not break out terribly because I do not emtpy every pore and do not spent hours putting on lotion and other stuff.... .

Ameise, how is it going with your chart? I still did not make one. I do not know why. Something keeps me from it and I do not know what it is. Do you think that it is because I do not want to commit myself fully to 21 days? Hope not.

I do not know how things will be going as soon as my boyfriend and I go back to work, and I 'need to' spent time in front of the mirror to put on makeup/do my hair. We will see. One day at a time.

Ich denke an Dich, ameise.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I think I am starting to realize some of the things that affected me after the therapy session. One of them was that we talked about the images I am having. I brought it up, because I find it quite important. The therapist said the images are send by some subconscious part of mine, and I could not help asking if that means that this subconscious part actually wants to do all this stuff to me - I mean if a part of me hates me so much that it wants to see my head smashed or cut into pieces. And he said yes.
I think that was (is) a tough one to swallow.... .

I had a really bad image a second ago when I was staring out the window. I saw myself smashing the glass and using the pieces to cut holes into my face. The image was not worse than the usual ones, but I was disturbed by the fact that I felt some kind of urge to actually do it. What if suppressing my picking leads to a build up of so much tension that I eventually will do something like that? (Maybe I am saving my life by picking instead?). I would like to hear your opinion on this one.

Hope you are having sweet dreams right now.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Just got a phone call from my mother. She wants to visit me for 3 days, 3½ weeks from now..... . I am freaking a little. Actually, I am freaking a lot. Have not seen her for 4 years. I am so scared if she will say anything to the way I look (I mean my face, of course). She is a picker too - or at least has been for many years - so her skin is far from perfect. But even though, I just do not want to be judged by her. And spending 3 days with her.... . What shall we talk about for 3 days? Talking to her about my problems is completely out of the question - but having to wear a happy face for three days will cost me a lot of energy.... .

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi hoppe-

It sounds appealling that the forced Zt keeps you away from mirrors, inspections, etc... if there was a picking recovery center, I bet there would be no mirrors, and it woudl be like that.

My ZT is going well. Of course it is only day 2. I do have one white head that I think most "normal" people would pick, but luckily it is in my hairline so I can see whatever will happen to it on its own, without feeling too self-conscious.

I don't think not making a chart means you're not committed... in fact, I am sort of dissappointed by my dependence on the chart... I know I don't want to keep a chart forever, so I wish I dind't need it. But for now, it seems the only way for me to believe I REALLY DID decide not to pick at all.

I guess it would be hard to accept that part of you wants to do those self-destrucitve things... but remember, we all have self-destructive parts of us - picking, smoking, self-doubt, etc... you just have a vivid and strong imagination... and maybe lots of pain. But maybe the fact that those thoughts are so upsetting shows that the bigger parts of you really don't want to hurt yourself, really want to care for yourself.

As for you mother, I know visits can be very stressful. I hate to say it, but I kind of think it was my dad's visit last November that sent me back into a cycle of picking (but once the cycle started it was self-perpetuating).

But, there must be ways to make visits more manageable -- maybe your mother could stay at a hotel & just spend a limited time each day with you?

Good luck with the back-to-work routine,

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I just feel the need to say that I am so glad that I found you. You and your support means very very much to me!!! Thank you.

Today, I managed to go to work. It was a good day. My boyfriend picked me up, so there was no chance of me being home alone. However, there was one little annoying thing, I have changed office today and from now on I will be sharing a room with four other people - so I will not be able to check in here anymore from work. Guess, I will have to wait until the evenings to see if there is anything new from you... .

About my mother - I tried to tell her that it would be difficult to have her sleeping at my place, because we do not have an extra bed, but she is determined and said, she will sleep on the floor if neccessary. I do not really know what to do about this. I wish I could be honest and say, mom, you know, I do not have so much energy right now, it is okay if you want to visit me, but maybe 2 days are enough instead of 3 and maybe it would be better if you do not sleep here....... But I cannot. I am just not ready to share my problems with her. I tried on a few occassions when I was younger, and she always rejected me. I think, it will be easier to wear the 'happy face' for three days and hope for the best. It concerns me what you wrote about the visit of your father.... . Do you have any ideas why his visit made you pick again? Did his visit remind you about some things from the past? Or was it something else?

The images ..... . They still concern me. I have to talk to the therapist about it. You are right, the fact that they concern me show that I do not really want to do these things to myself. But I am really afraid that I will have a bad moment at some point and harm myself badly. And it is painful to know that some subconscious part of mine is in so much pain that it sends these kind of messages... .

Ameise, I hope you are doing fine with ZT! I am so glad that things seem to go well for you. Actually, I feel like I would like to give you a hug and tell you how proud I am of you.

*hug* (did you feel it?)

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

10:30 pm, and I am on my way to bed. I have a terrible headache..... . I think I did not drink enough water today, that always causes med headaches. I did not eat very much either. That is actually something I wanted to tell you about. You know, during the weekend, when I was so depressed, I could not eat anything. And then after two days of not eating I caught myself thinking, I could as well continue and loose a few pounds. However, there is no need for me to loose weight and I am afraid that I am just trying to find something else I can have control over, now that my boyfriend controls me and my picking so much.... . Since the weekend, I have hardly eaten anything. I know it is wrong, I know I might be starting a bad replacement behaviour here. I thought, I would tell you now, maybe that makes a difference.

Looking forward to hear from you again.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Good morning ameise!

8 am at my place. I feel happy. Great feeling, I can recommend it.... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

7:50 pm. I just came home from work. It was a very nice day. It was icecold and the sun was shining so wonderfully - this time I could enjoy it. Things at work went fine too.

Right now I am a bit worried about you. Hope you are okay. Do not misunderstand me - you do not have to write here everyday, but when you do not I always get slightly worried how you are doing.

My skin is broken out in a few places - and I cannot 'fix' it because of my boyfriend's constant supervision. Well, the spots will go away again, I am sure.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

10 pm. I will go to bed now. Have a headache again. I think I know the reason .

I am thinking about you.

hoppe