hoppe's journal

[amiese as guest]

Yes, our evil twins will never learn, will they?

I wish you could cry on my shoulder, too.

I think things will look better in the morning. you'll be fine for work. It's probably good to remember how little most non-pickers notice -- in my own experience with my therapist & on this board I feel I;ve heard again & again that the people who are not intimately familiar with you, the people who never get 2 inches from your face, area unlikely to be aware of anything unusual about our skin & chalk it up to "normal" skin problems, acne, etc if they do notice...

Of course, this is not where the true significance or struggle lies... but I guess I;m just reminding you there's not too much to fear at work & you'll probably feel better if you go... don't let picking control you more than it has to.... (of course, have a nice relaxing day & take care of yourself if you don't go... I'm not trying to guilt you into anything.)

Talk to you tomorrow.

ameise

[jamielee]

What does ZT stand for?

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Thank you for your post. I finally fell asleep around 3:30 am. I just got out of bed (8 am) and I guess I will be really late today - if I go. Have not decided that yet (want to do my make-up first), but I really hope I can go to work. I will check in later and tell you how things are going.

Jamielee - ZT stands for 'Zero Tolerance'. If you do ZT in regard to your picking, then nothing is allowed - no squeezing or picking whatsoever. I think the idea behind is that picking is an addiction like alcoholism, and to overcome it you need to stop squeezing/picking/scratching completely - just like a recovering alcoholic needs to stay away from any alcohol, even the smallest amount. However, ZT is just as hard as it sounds and so far I have not managed more than a few days at a time. But I think everybody should give it a try, because you realize how your skin in principle can take care of itself. Even the biggest pimple will disappear on its own if you leave it alone, you do not need to help it along..... .

hoppe

[hoppe as guest]

Hi ameise

I am at work. Thank God for make-up and hair!!!! However, my left cheek looks bad. I can already see a few pimples forming because of my picking..... .

I had a rough night. Could not sleep, cried, had a fight with my boyfriend!! I hate to see this affect our relationship.

Tomorrow I am going to meet the English psychologist again. I want/need help so badly. I hope he can help me.

hoppe

[jamielee]

I think that's accurate, hoppe. You can't do just one. Once you start it's hard to stop. I hope I can do it and for the rest of my life. I'm so glad that you're having such success with yours. Good luck!

[hoppe]

Thank you jamielee! Also good luck to you.

It is 10:45 pm and I am on my way to bed. I am really glad I managed to go to work today! It was an okay day. But now I am really really tired, because I slept so little last night.

ameise, talk to you tomorrow. Hope, you are having a nice day on your side of the earth. You deserve it.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

hmm. you may not be too pleased with the news from my side of the earth -- (you know what that means)

The effects of yesterday's 5 pores & one pimple were very minimal. The pimple looked closer to healed than yesterday (little or no subsurface pus) -- but who knows, maybe it would've been completely gone/ reabsorbed if I had ignored it.

But with no bad effects... and a renewed interest in my skin... I squeezed another white subsurface nodule... the kind of the thing that wasn't going anywhere on its own any time soon. Again, I don't think I did any damage... but, of course & rightfully, I still feel guilty. It's funny having you out there as an "auxillary conscience" because after I did it, I thought: "well, I don't think I made it worse, didn't hurt myself, it's almost as if it didn't happen -- maybe I can just forget about it -- if only I didn’t have to confess to hoppe. maybe I won’t. Of course I will." I wonder if you ever feel that way about either me or your boyfriend.

I am so sorry to hear that you two fought about this again – maybe if you are getting your therapy covered by the health system, you could use your personal money to go to a couples therapist to help figure out the best ways he can help you without getting super-frustrated himself? I have 3 sets of friends who go to couples therapy & they really value it.

Here, squeezing this thing today shows me how it is so addictive, how one leads to more, etc... so I'm re-committing to some more ZT days.

Actually, though, hoppe, things are not so bad at all for me now... of course I would rather have no picking, and I would rather not have to fight it... I wish I'd never discovered this behavior in the first place...

But even if the rest of my life were made up of 5 - 10 day streaks of ZT followed by a couple days with squeezing... and then more ZT... that would actually be okay. (not to say I'm surrendering to this, but just taking comfort in the fact that for months now I have been maintaining a 'liveable' pick level, free of major times of distress, and remorse & self consciousness)

I don't like that it is still a cycle of "doing well" then "messing up" etc... but over these last months, with this pattern, my skin has been overall okay enough that it has occupied so much less of my thoughts, less mental energy...
I am grateful for that.

Let me know how your therapy session goes,

best wishes for a good day across the world to you, too

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

9 pm friday evening. I just came home.

Ameise, I know what you mean about picking a little and thinking- oh, that was nothing, if I just would not have to tell ameise.... . But exactly that thought makes me realize that even the smallest picks, the ones that do not do any damage and only last for a few seconds/minutes, still are problematic - mostly because they so easily lead to more! If they were not problematic at all, I would not feel bad about having to tell you, or would I ? But I hope it is not a burden for you. You do not have to tell me. Please, do not feel that you 'have to' confess. Tell me, if you feel like it. If you feel you 'have to' tell me, you might choose not to write here anymore because it might feel as a relief not having to tell/confess anymore. But I want you to feel that writing here is the relief!

I can continue with my confession. I picked today. Not much, but enough to make me upset. I picked at my left cheek, which has been looking bad and infected for some days now. I did not get anything out, I only caused damage, and I wish I had not done it.... . But I did, and thats it.

I want to come to a more pleasant topic. I saw the psychologist today. That guy...... he is just great. I hope I will not end up falling in love with him or something....... ;D. But he does something to me. I feel safe. I can tell him anything. I have told him things today, I did not think I would ever share with anyone. And I feel he understands - completely. Not just a little, but totally. I still do not know if he can help me. He suggested a replacement behaviour for my picking. It was really simple, but I am not really convinced that it will work. I would like to try it though, before I share it here. I will let you know if it works.... .

ameise, ZT again, from tomorrow? I do not want to put pressure on you. I can relate to your feeling that this almost is good enough. Slipping up a little every few days, but otherwise doing so much better - life seems suddenly so much more managable. But I would not say that I would be satisfied with it. If I can do ZT for some days, I can also do it for more days or even weeks.... .

BTW, ameise, today I realized that it seems strange to me that I exist as 'hoppe' in your head. I know I am hoppe, and I identify myself with the name so much, that I think that if someone would call me 'hoppe' on the street I would react to it. But at the same time, I am not 'hoppe'. I do not know how you feel about me calling you ameise. You said it was a nickname of yours, so that might make it easier. But I realized that I am glad to know your real name. It is as if it makes you more real. Do you understand what I mean? However, I still do not feel ready to put my real name here....... . I can tell you as much, it starts with a K...... .

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi Hoppe/ "K " -

It hasn't bothered me not knowing your real name, but it's funny, just before I logged on, I said out loud to my dog "we'll go out soon, but first I have to write to hoppe." and saying it out loud, I did wonder if I am pronouncing it as you intend... I say it like the english word "hop" as in, "hop, skip and jump."

I like what you wrote about not having to tell you, etc, but hoping it might feel like a relief. The same goes for you telling me. However you expressed it was very eloquent or kind -- because it did make me want to tell you: I still haven't been perfect. It's only been a mintute or two here & there, and no real damage, but it's not helping either -- I think my skin looks overall drier, less alive than when I was maintaining ZT. So, when I read your invitation "ZT tomorrow" I felt a little smile or sunshine-like feeling in my head... somehow I hope the "tomorrow" you meant is Saturday, October 23... but even if we're off in our correspondence about what day is what -- yes, tomorrow. I'm ready for some more ZT.

I'm glad your therapist is so helpful &... I want to say powerful. It sounds like he is one of those people that maybe have such self possession or calm-ness that their presence & understanding is a comfort... I'm so glad. good luck with your replacement behavior.

Warmest thoughts to you, your boyfriend & your therapist...

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I just got out of bed .... 1 pm!! I needed to sleep. Had a rather bad evening yesterday. Another fight with my boyfriend..... . In five years we have not fought as much as in the last weeks. I wonder if this will destroy our relationship? I love my boyfriend. He is usually very kind, respectful, and intelligent and matches me otherwise very well, so I have always been able to picture him by my side for the rest of my life - but suddenly I feel doubt. It is like in crisis situations you get to know someone, you get a feeling how this person will react to other crises that without doubt will come at some point in life - and I do not feel he can handle it very well. He is completely helpless, does hardly say anything, acts as if my pain is offending him. The few comments he comes with are very hurtful, and then I will react angry and we will have a fight - not one where we raise our voices but we will say a number of hurtful things and then go to separate rooms.

Yesterday he said that he thinks it is wrong of me to write/read here everyday. I thought it was best to tell him about this board (not which board, but that I write on a 'support board for pickers'). Yesterday he said he thinks it is no good for me and that I spent to much time in front of the computer - time that I should spent with him instead..... . It hurt. I need this place. I do not want to feel guilty for coming here.

I picked some more after my last post. I think talking to the psychologist brought a lot of pain to the surface and I had no other way of handling it. My boyfriend had fallen asleep in front of the TV and I could pick undisturbed. Later he woke up and I was stupid enough to tell him that I had picked. He got angry. He still does not understand how I can do it although he knows about it. He thinks the fact that he knows should stop me. I tried to say that I do not have control over this - that a part of me wants to stop, but that there is another part that wants to pick, that needs it. And he said - this part of you that wants to pick - it must feel so much triumph now because it managed to pick without me noticing ... . I felt hurt. I do not feel triumph. How can he think that? I only feel pain, pain, pain...... .

I am very sad that I picked so much yesterday. And that I have this feeling that it has something to do with the therapy session - ameise, did therapy ever make you pick more? I do not want to be afraid of going there again next week. I want to look forward to it.... . He seems to understand so well. I did not think anyone could ever 'get me' like that.

I meant today, saturday 23 of October when I said ZT from tomorrow. However, I already picked a little at the damage from yesterday... . But I still want to try it. ZT after this post.

I wonder if I will hear from you, since it is weekend. I hope so.

The second letter is a.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Saturday, 1:30 pm.
ameise, I am in so much pain today. I do not know how to get through this day. There is a distance between me and my boyfriend - I do not know how to handle it..... . And I look really really bad. I have to go somewhere tomorrow and I do not think I will be able to.

ameise, I do not want to pick anymore. And I do not want to feel pain anymore. I want it to stop.... . I wish someone could make it stop.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

2:30 pm. Time goes by so slowly today.

I feel slightly better. But still sad and confused. What if therapy is no good for me? What if it makes everything worse? I am telling myself that it might be good if it makes things worse for a momemt, that means I am really in touch with whatever is the underlying cause for my picking, but then it should get better. What if it does not? And what if all of this destroys my relationship? I cannot loose my boyfriend. I just cannot... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

7:30 pm.

I feel like picking. My cheek looks so bad..... . But so far I managed not to do it. Instead, I am trying the replacement behaviour my therapist suggested - and I am also trying to write down how I feel about it. The therapist asked me to do that.

I still feel a lot of pain inside. Maybe I should just go to bed.

hoppe

[jamielee]

Have you ever thought of bringing your boyfriend to therapy with you? I don't know what kinda guy he is, but maybe he'd get a better understanding of this condition, and maybe he'd feel less helpless, more involved, if he went now and then. I could picture telling my fiancee that I pick (he doesn't know)... I think I know what he'd say. He'd want me to get therapy and do anything else I possibly could to stop, and he'd be upset if he felt that he couldn't help me. But for therapy, I think sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. Just like cleaning... you have to take out all the mess and sort through it before you can throw out the junk and put the other stuff back where it belongs. The result is a much nicer space.

lol... I clean alot

[hoppe]

Jamielee - thank you for your post. I think, I might bring my boyfriend along to therapy one day, but since I just started with it, I feel that I am not ready for that yet. I have asked him several times to find more information about this condition on the internet, hoping that this will help him understand, but although he says, he has done it, I do not feel that he gets it. He still acts as if I could stop this if I just wanted to. But I cannot.

I wanted to start on ZT again yesterday, but I was not able to... . Shit, I think I am on my way downhill again. It hurts to realize that. I was doing so much better, and now all I want to do is pick, pick, pick.

Last night I thought about ending it. This feeling of - who am I kidding, I will never get better, I might beat the picking one day, but it will probably come back or be replaced by something that is even worse ...maybe I should just stop it here and spare myself for any future disappointments and pain.
Usually I only have these feelings at night, and I have never actually tried to kill myself. But the sad part is, when I woke up this morning (it is 9 am here), the first thought I had was - why did I not do it. Why did I not end it. So I would not have to wake up and see this face again. Or feel this pain again..... .

I need help, I know that. I just do not know from whom, or what the help should look like. I thought telling my boyfriend would help, but it did not. I think it made it worse. I thought getting therapy would help. I just started with that, so I cannot tell if it will help in the future, but so far, it also just made things worse.

Ameise, I was hoping to hear from you. But maybe it is better you enjoy your weekend without reading all the depressed stuff I am writing here.....

hoppe