Need a zt community, Life is too Short

[egiggy]

Well, I've been to this site a number of times over the last 2 years, and have never posted.

Now, I just finished finals, my roommate just moved out, and I am alone in my house. But that's ok,
I have a few days of privacy to let my face air out (without makeup) and start anew.

I thought I was on my way to beating this curse last week. I went 4 days without picking, and then came home from class one day and had 5 huge mongo whiteheads! Well, that just ruined my streak.

Last night I was writing a paper, and wanted to take a quick break, but ended up in a 2.5 hour face picking TRANCE. I think i checked and prodded every single pore on my face.

So I went to work today with a lousy makeup job over my red throbbing face. When I arrived at work I found out that my boss died. Sad reality check.

I am 30 and have been doing this for at least 15 years. I came home after work and thought that I would NOW appreciate the body that god has given me...
...but then proceeded to clean out those last couple of bumps.

Sigh, I am ruining my relationships. Turning down friends for get togethers, and Letting my OCD rule my life. My therapist says that maybe i am doing this to myself because my life is so jam packed with responsibilities (grad school, etc) that I pick in order to try to prevent my having to face those responsibilities the next day.

So here I go. I will try to get out tomorrow and enjoy the day. But I will be alone the next couple of evenings, so I need this site to help me from failing again.

Life is too short!

[egiggy2]

Well, so far today I unscrewed the light bulbs over the bathroom mirror and called an old friend.

No touching my face at all.

I actually told my friend about my problem. He knew I had an OCD, but didnt know what it was exactly.

I have always done a pretty good job at hiding it. At least an hour make up job every morning. I could work for the Hollywood special effets department!

So lets see, If I calculate the hours. At least an hour a night on average of picking (averaging some nights as 4hrs and some .5hr) then 1 hr each morning for makeup cover-up.

365 days x 2hrsX10 years = means that I have spent 7300 hours or 304 days in my face picking TRANCE. That is almost a YEAR of my life just spent destroying mysef and covering it up.

That doesnt even count all the time worrying about what think when they see me. I ducking into the bathroom to apply more powder concealer, or tweese away the dead skin flaking off my self-inflicted wounds.

Doing well so far. Will keep busy the rest of the day packing for my move, and drafting for a project i am working on.

Wish I could just go off into the woods or a farm, where mirrors dont exist.

Good luck to you all. Let me know if you have any thoughts, suggestions, insights. Cheers!

[girl1818]

Keep up the Good Work I admire your strength

[egiggy]

Had a minor slip up yesterday. But I am determined to have a clearer face for when my brother comes into town tomorrow.

So I put on teh aloe and went out to do some errands without any makeup. I probably looked like a freak at the post office, but it is more important to let things heal.

I will have to cover things up for work this afternoon.
I wish the sun would come out, so I could get a little color. That always speeds up the healing process.

Anyone else want to join me with my ZT?
Today is day one again.

Good Luck! egiggy

[egiggy]

Hi All,
Had a good week with my brother. It helped to have him around...it makes hiding in the bathroom more difficult.

Only bursted one major pimple. Made a mess, but it is partially hidden by my eyebrow.

It's a sunny day, so that helps.
School starts monday, so no slip-ups!

Might treat myself to some acrylic nails, for the good work.
Later- e

[egiggy]

Right now is the Danger Time.
Midnight, right before going to bed.

Am going to wash my face with the light off, and go straight to bed (thank g-d for the night light)

No picking allowed! Just wanted to post this, because I have made great progress this week, and dont want to mess it up.

It's the first day of summer school tomorrow...I want to look good.

It also helps to have a new roommate.
I dont want her to think im a freak, by hiding out in my room for an exccessive amoutnt of time (while waiting for red spots to diminish)

CheerS!

[playinwitfire]

hi egiggy well done for getting so far it sounds like you've made great progress ive been no pick for 4 days..and coming on here at danger times. I would destroy all my mirrors but i need them for doing hair n stuff..but i just dont get too close to the mirror...and i use a hand held for make up so my hands aren't free. I dont often talk about my OCD because i dont feel anyone really understands i dont even want people to see me sometimes because i know they'll only think im out of my mind and i dont need that. i do often spend ages wating for inflammation to disappear it sometimes ruins my plans. now im just getting treatment for severe pigmentation and trying...no not trying i am actually not picking..just squeezing a little bit but its better than picking..hang on in there!!

Good luck
Jess -x-

[egiggy]

Thanks Jess,
Let me know how the laser treatment goes.
Luckilly, My scars are somewhat camoflauged by my freckles, but I am finding that
I am starting to get pimples around my smile lines of my mouth. This is causing deeper, irregular wrinkles. I am only 30, but i fear that my scars will create more fodder for wrinkle formation.

My mom says that she might help me get laser treatment, once i clear up my face....but sometimes this seems like it will never happen. At least I was able to go 1 week and 5 days without picking while my brother was here. I think that was my longest run in years.

The problem is, during that time, many bumps form...and last thursday, i succumbed to my urges. I am trying to get back on track , which is why i am writing right now.

Day 1, let's see if i can go 3 weeks!
egiggy

[playinwitfire]

Well done a week and 5 days is really good n its good your setting yourself another challenge im sure you can do it. The longest ive gone is about 3 weeks but that was only once. Right now ive been no pick for 4 days and i WILL NOT pick at least til friday caus thats when my prom is ;D n thats worth not picking for if nothin else is!!

What kind of scars do you have do you mean browns spots (pigmentation) caus thats what i have a lot of and a bit of pitted scarring which im trying not to make worse. Im having Alpha hydroxy Acids (exfoliating fruit enzymes) on my face to take off the top layers of damaged skin so its all nice and smooth afterwards but you have to have a course of about six weeks. I've never really looked into laser treatment. Once your having the treatment picking will seem so much more pointless caus ud be defeating yourself so its easier to stop i think..Tell me how it goes..

Take care Jess -x-

[egiggy]

Jess,
Hope your prom was a blast! I was able to go a week with out picking, but for some reason, I keep having relapses on Thursdays. I think it is the accumulation of stress from the week….and nervous about potential social events to come during the weekend. So after 5 days, I am back to day 1.

Well, even though my face was a mess, I threw a housewarming party tonight. I think that the more community I build, the less I will want to hide out in my crazy picking cave. Digging, just digs me deeper to the grave. Laughing, and sharing with others makes me feel more alive. I’m not saying that this is easy, because I am sort of a shy introvert. But it is important. My life is at least a third over, and I dont have many friends to show for it.

You asked about my marks. I have fair sensitive skin, so they turn pink. But because of my freckles, they dont stand out AS much. Although that could be my imagination.

I have no idea what first impression I give to people. Some people dont notice anything… but some people cant talk to me without staring at my blochy forehead, nose, etc. Alpha Hydroxy Acids make me peel like a mo fo…so I usually avoid anything this strong, and stick to Cleocin, and minimal salysilic acid.

ok , must get sleep now. Have found that that is one of the important things to help me resist the urge.
Good Luck!

[egiggy]

I seem to have a pattern going, I resist picking all week...until friday.

Today I came home and felt too exhaused to do anything...BUT go into the bathroom and prod at my face with a push pin (I got rid of all my other devices)

My roomie happened to come home, and now I am sequestered in my room with a green face mask on.

I am tired of doing this.

But I should look at the positives:
1. At least i am writing to this site.
2. I have been able to only pick once a week.

I will start over, yet again, and try not to pick until the end of school (aug 13)

I think my increased social interaction is causing my decrease in picking. Keep it up!
egiggy

[ant]

I am trying to reply to egiggy. I think hitting reply will do it...

This is my second time looking at a site like this. I didn't think I would write myself, but your "life is too short" post caught exactly the mood I am in. Today I spent 2 & a half hours on my face, at the end feeling like: this hs been a part of my life for so long, will I ever be rid of it?

I am 30, as well (though my 31st birthday is soon - on Aug 22, and not surprisingly is a skin-look-good goal day for me)

I liked your posts because of the honest details that I could relate to... for example, ducking inot a bathroom & tweezing off flaking skin around a self inflcted wound.... Sometimes I have thought: I know more than I should about the physical make-up & healing patterns of my own skin... it's kind of amazing that there are other people out there who know are as familiar as I am with these same stages of skin picking.

A couple of things that struck me from your posts-- the question of "what are people thinking when they look at me?" Both at times when my skin is inflamed and re: my scars. When I meet other people with acne scars, I wonder: are my scars as visible as theirs? do other people without skin obsession notice them so much? I also often wonder if other people caused their own scars.

I also read that you told your friend about your OCD. I have talked to only 3 people about this: my therapist, who knows the whole story; I also "confessed" an exboyfriend.. it wasn't that hard to tell him because I knew he wold undersand because he also would somtimes squeeze / survey his skin -- but ot to the point of obsession. however, I never told him the gory details...In fact, at the time I told him, I had been doing pretty well and could frame it in mostly past tense. I told him in terms of self-consciousness about scars. I also had a minor, not in-depth conversation with a girl friend, again someone who also focuses some on her skin -- but really it was just a little pep- talk to each other, saying things like "we know its best for our skin to leave it alone," but I did not admit to her what a huge issue this has been for me, staying home to avoid people, etc.

Currently I am in a relationship with someone (have been for about 7 months) and this week I have avoided having him over....Last weekend I had a few legitmate pimples -- I squeezed one while at his house over the weekend. However, it didn't mess my skin up very much, I didn't focus on it obsessively... until (& this was the first time the stress-response aspect was clear to me) until my roomate told me he would be moving out. Right after he gave me this news, I went into the bathroom & dug at this little white-head-type-plug in the previously squeezed pimple. In doing that, I broke my skin/ made it into a somewhat big deal. That was when I decided not to see S until the upcoming weekend. But it was not so bad... however, even when I have things that are healing, it's hard for me not to go check on them, try to help them along (by washing, picking at dry dead skin, etc.. even though I know it's pointless & would be better just to give it time). So today, as I was checking on this scab, pulling off dry skin around it, I got sucked into squeezing every blackhead on my face. After I finally realized stopped, I gave myself a steam facial (I think this does help avoid folow up pimples forming in pores I sqeezed & feels like a little purifaction ritual). But I'm left knowing: my skin will probably be worse/ dry or irritated for days afer this... the weekend of having better skin when I see S is not goign to be quite that way.... Also a lot of gult... is this the way I want to spent my life, what does it do tom me to spend my time this way... if someone spent all their days watching tv it does effect them... how does this effect me? also guilt becasue I was supposedly "working at home" -- it is a blessing to have that freedom, but I don't deserve it if this is how I spend that time... I guess the thing that would address that guilt is to work in the evening, also would demonstrate to myself that time is a limited quantity, that if I choose to spend time in this activity, I won't have it as free time, it is gone (I know I am sounding a little hard on myself, and possibly negative.)

Well, I think my friend Jay may have just come to the door & I hid, instead of answering...

So, I know this entry/ letter has jumped around.

I'm not sure if this could be helpful to anyone else. I guess I just realized I am approaching htis looking for help.

I think my therapist is helpful, but I also think someone who really understands the self-consicousness, the pain of remorse, woucl be especially helpful.


On the subject of telling your friend: part of where I was going with this entry is that I know this OCD is distancing me from my boyfriend S. I have thought a fair amount about telling him, but I am not sure how to, or what I want to reveal, how much I need to reveal in order to feel that he understands. He is not someone with any tendency to pick at his skin, so I think it'll be somewhat foreign to him (though I'm sure he knows I do to some extent). there is part of me that wants to wait until I am *better* to talk to him about it, so I can say , I used to have this problem. But in many ways I feel very close to him & it makes me sad to think I am typing this entry -- something fairly risky & new for me -- an he would be utterly surprised if he beamed in here & read what I was writing.... so, thoughts on talkign ot people abou this, how much can you/ do you reveal to people who are not familiar with the whole cycle?

Best luck, I feel better now that I wrote.

ant

[Mary ann]

I would just tell him the WHOLE truth and show him stuff from this site, I told my new husband reciently and he is very understanding now that he knows hell call me during the day and say how you doin \, meaning are you in a mirror , hope it helps.

[egiggy]

Ant,
I'm glad you are able to discuss this problem with others. I think that is the first step to tackling this problem.

I have never told a boyfriend this problem. However, I have found that having a boyfriend helps to diminish my picking. The more I am around people the more I can keep myself in check.

Of course I am vacationing at my parents house this week, and have already had two major slipups (1.5 to 2 hrs each.) My mom knows my issue, though, and I am able to walk around in front of her without makeup. Keeping the makeup off helps the healing process.

Well, next week i have a 3 night camping trip with friends, so that is probably the best motivation ever.

I feel like the silliest person in the world when I have to duck behind a bush to look at a compact.

Grrrr
Hopefully, my friends will be understanding of my blotchy face.

Cheers All.
It may seem that I havent made much progress since i first started this ZT. But I feel I might have a breakthrough in the next few months!!!
WILLPOWER!!!

[ameise]

hi,

this is ameise (previously "ant" - ameise means ant in german, both are nicknames of mine)

egiggy, I have crouched in a bush (whie camping) with a compact & make up & a tissue twisted into a make-up applicator tool -- you're right, it's pretty funny.

Oh, and I'm going camping this coming weeked with 2 of my oldest friends & my boyfriend & barring some unusually rapid skin-healing, I imagine I will be doing that bush routine again. But now at least I think I will smile to myself about how silly it is.

I want to use this board now as I think many of us do -- as a journal, as a place to keep myself honest, to keep a record...

So, about six days ago, I tried to start the 21 day break-a-habit ZT period. (I really liked that bird flying out the window on the original graphic chart.)

I suppose I am starting over today, although I am not sure if zero-tolerance is quite the right step.... (maybe just not geting into sucked in, but I know, it is hard to predict when you'll ge sucked in, when will be the pick or squeeze that will lead to a major wound....)

So my attempt at 21 days started out decently - 2 days pick-free, on the third day I scratched off a self-caused scab, but didn't feel I made anything worse (so I wrote "picked scab" in one quarter of my little box & colored in the rest), then on days 4 & 5 I had little white heads, which I squeezed, but didn't get too absorbed, just a few minutes, so again, I noted it in my boxes and colored the rest...(I think it was/ is pre-mensrual break-out time)

however, day 5 was my birthday & a b-day party -- so I had made it to a "goal day" without creating any major new wounds, but then yesterday, after making it to the goal day, I sqeezed 3 pimples, breaking the skin of one & getting more involved in trying to squeeze out the "root" of the pimple than I knew was good. Actually it wasn't a horrible incident, as I think it was about 25 minutes altogether. But I have a new "focus" spot, which I think will take a week to heal, and I have this upcoming camping trip on Thursday night -- it's really disappointing. My boyfriend S & I will be flying to colorado to spend thursday night through sunday, two nights camping, with my oldest, dearest friend & her husband (I have known both of them for about 15 years, since we were young teenagers...) and I was really looking forward to them meeting S (who is relatively new in my life, 7 months) because I have hopes for S being a long term special person in my life -- so this is a big bringing together of people who are important to me..... so of course I want it to go well, to feel connected, and I don't want to feel self-conscious & hiding...

It is so frusrating the way that even just short picking events can have results that affect your state of mind for days and days... and I know all I can do at this point is try to take good care of the wound, not do any more picking... and hope that it makes some good progress towards healing in a few days...

So, I'm back on day one of 21... --- also a little frustrating/ daunting because I honestly felt strong at the last starting day -- I thought I could & would do it...

Well, I know there is nothing so very insightful in this entry (and nothing new... which is part of the how can this still be, is-this-groundhog-day aspect)

But writing is helpful, and it feels helpful knowing that others who understand are aware of my progress and set-backs. Reading of you all is also comforting to me.

so, goodnight, I'll be walking the dog now...

ameise