pool side thoughts...

[needshelpinBigD]

So i was in Vegas this weekend sitting at the pool, and waiting for the area i was in to become somewhat vacant so i could take off my shirt and slip into the pool w/ my skin on my back and arms going unnoticed by onlookers.

And i started to get to thinking how lucky everyone at the pool was that they wake up every morning and their first thought isn't to look into the mirror to see how bad their skin is, and how lucky they are to be able to walk freely around the pool in a swimsuit, totally oblivious to the fact that their are people terrified of having to remove a shirt because of their skin, just to enjoy a day at the pool on vacation, and how many people don't even put themselves in that situation because of our ailment. That the thought of their skin DOESN'T EVEN CROSS THEIR MIND.

And as i sat there over the course of several hours, i see several rather obese people come out and strip down to their suits without a qualm, where as i say to myself, wow thats brave, i don't think i could do that if i was in that physical condition. And i asked myself if they wake up every morning and if their first thought as they look into the mirror and wonder if their weight is the first consuming thought of the day. I wonder if they sit and think about how lucky others are that aren't battling weight problems. And i think, even if that does weigh on them, i'm envious that they are able to still enjoy and live life.

And as I continue to sit there, I see a guy take off his shirt that has quite a few zits on his back, where i would not even THINK of going to the pool ,let alone taking off my shirt.

And i realized i think we(or many of us) with BDD, just are totally processing things outside of how most of society is.

And as time goes on i sit there, and a man in a wheelchair, with a mental disorder, being pushed in his chair coming out to the pool.... and i sit and wonder if the first thought he has every morning is I wonder if everyone realizes how lucky they are to be able to walk and live life to the fullest.

[skigirl]

I believe there is something different in the way our brains work, sort of a glitch, and in reading many of the posts here it is very apparent that many of us pickers are in some ways brilliant, at least smarter than average. I was talking to a friend of mine and he said how he just doesn't really think that much. He's not dumb, but he's also not intelligent in the same way. So when he was talking I started thinking how nice it would be to be like that. To not have a brain that allows deep thought, and thus deep concern about something that shouldn't matter a bit - perfect skin. So ironic that we all want perfect skin and still try to achieve it by picking it to death. We're smart enough to realize this is clearly not the way to go, and yet......

You mention obese people, and I hate to admit it, but I am EXTREMELY critical of overweight people, or people who don't dress in a way I consider "right," or God forbid someone makes a comment I consider stupid. There's no end to my ability to completely slam a fellow human being for what I deem a failure. It's something that slips out, that I recognize I need to take control over. Just like my own desire to pick at myself. At least recognizing the tendency and not allowing it to happen is a step forward, right?

[anonymousartist]

i have this defect about picking. And when I leave it alone for a few days (or jsut feel brave) its not sucha problem with showing skin in public anymore. But with my weight, well let's say I just don't go to the pool. Its almost like the pool is too public but not public enough of a place as say, the beach. The beach is so public and touristy that no one will bother me (not always true, but no tourist has really open eyes to what local people are). But the pool....well its an apartment community. What if someone decided they needed to socialize or get to know me? Then I'd be....well totally imperfect and judged, or something. I don't know.

And thinking about how some people have it way worse does make me a little more courageous. I mean, people go out looking like ass all the time (I feel quite rebellious sometimes by looking like ass myself). Are we allowed to be as free as these other people for some reason.

And not pissing on anyone here but I hate the word obese. I think its one of the ugliest, most hurtful words. Probably because when I think of that word I think of someone who can't walk, and yet when I was 215 pounds and not so unfit I would've been considered obese. I'm down to 170 now and I'm really starting to see such a difference (just got new swimsuits, weird I traded my old one to my mom and she had a bunch someone was trying to get rid of....someone who probably also has a serious BDD because she's so skinny and yet she buys clothes my size). The thing is if I were taller I would actually be a good weight. I'm definitely feeling more confident but damnit I am sooooo sick of not getting any men its ridiculous and I totally blame it on my weight with a little more emphasis on my skin now. Am I just looking for reasons to hate myself? I don't know. I think some of the ways I was treated in the past just hurt so much I want to take some kind of blame on myself for it, like I wasn't good enough and never will be.

And man, maybe I shouldn't be writing about this and rant about it because I'm really let down by a guy thing right now. And....just not in a good place. But, I just wanted to share that I feel that way also about my weight also.

And skigirl, I don't know, maybe it is a different part of the brain working but I am very critical as well. The thing is I try to shut it off for other people. A lot of people really don't have that thought in them. I for one am trained to criticize (its basically what an art degree is) and very aesthetically inclined so there's visual turn ons and turn offs about everyone. Actually I probably pick apart pretty people more (though arguably, I think everyone's flaws make them more memorable and interesting) and that's probably a lot of pressure for pretty people to have to deal with. maybe it's all about confidence for all of us, to just be who we are.

And I can't shut my damn brain off either. And I try to explain to people that I kinda need like a crush on a guy or whatever, something good to obsess over, somepolace nice for my brain to go, because it doesn't shut off, and I need the distraction so I can get other, not so comfortable things done. But I don't know that they understand because they'll say they don't have that problem. And yeah thinking too much has lead me to a lot of wonderful things but god it is fucking exhausting! Like seriously, physically, exhausting. I'm tired from it. I have stupid dreams because of it. I think I might start taking benedryl at night for a while because it shuts off alertness enough so I can just focus in on tv instead and not actually think about anything else. I just wanna pass out so I don't have to think about anything anymore.

(wow I didn't mean to write that much).

[skigirl]

AA:

When I read your posts, I really, really like who you are. I think you're a great person. The funny thing is that if we ever saw each other in public, we would most likely judge each other pretty harshly. I don't ever WANT to think negatively about people based on their weight. I've been overweight a few times in my life (3 kids, and once just for the hell of it), and it's AMAZING how differently I was treated just based on the weight. But skinny or fat, there's always been people to make snarky comments. Being thin, I feel like I am judged MORE harshly then when I was overweight. It's like the expectation is higher, as if to say "well, you're pretty, but....." Then I feel like all the imperfections should be fixed. Example: When I was overweight, I didn't feel too bad about the highlights in my hair growing out. Now I feel like if I've got everything else together, a cute figure and some cute clothes, I've got to have my hair fixed too or my other efforts just don't count. The whole point is that regardless of which particular offending physical characteristic we possess, it's the last thing that should be on our minds or on the minds of others. It's such a freakin waste of time.

Now that I'm 36, even though I do look much younger than my age, I know that I'm fast approaching the point where even keeping myself in great shape, taking care of myself, etc., there's not a damn thing I can do to keep my face from sliding off its foundation. CRAP!

[anonymousartist]

Yeah. I think its sort of a perfectionist mentality. I never wanted to be a perfectionist but I really do feel as if something is not done all the way its not worth doing at all, and I can't do anything all the way and also do a shitty job at it. It really hurts me because I can't just make progress instead of exhausting myself. And I keep thinking once I get what I finally want every other problem will just go away.

With my weight, I want it to be gone rapidly. Its taken me 5 years to lose 45 pounds (and I am doing things differently now that are really helping. I only have 25 more to go I think). One day I was sitting around trying to enjoy that my some part of me looked better and of course I tell myself I'm just lying, hoping, wishing it were already done and true that I already looked great because that's how I always think about it. I see the good stuff but I assume no one else does. And then (at the time I was eating a veggie burger or something) I realized, "for fuck's sake, I'm eating tofu and liking it. I'm doing the best that I possibly can." And took some of the pressure off. I guess I still need to remind myself daily that any progress is good progress and I don't need to do things perfect to do them at all. Like with running, I don't have to have a set schedule where I get up and go at the perfect time every single day just to do it when I want to. And with that, I'm going to check the weather and see about going right now since its not too hot out (bastard, I think its going to rain). Well whatever. I'm going to get something done today.

[cath]

hi everyone,
I completely understand what you mean totally, it's like your just can't turn off your brain, it just keeps going on and on, which is fine when it's positive but when it's not it's a problem.
I quite often ask people what they are thinking and more often than not the answer is "nothing" whereas I am frequently think of three things at once, and mostly they are obscure and not related to anything that is going on at the time.
We're so odd, perhaps we are all aliens!
Cath x

[cinnamonfern]

It's funny how we all think that if we just stopped picking and had this clear skin that our lives would be totally better. I used to think that if I stopped picking my life would be this fantasy life and everything would just be perfect, there were times when I thought I would overcome picking and those times when my skin was clear, yes, I was happier and it was nice to not have to hide from the world cause of it, but I still didn't feel overly joyed and confident with myself like I thought I would, I just moved on to something else and pulled myself apart mentally. It's like that perfectionist came out in me and it's like, "ok, I got what I wanted, my skin is clear now", but yet I still am not satisfied and can tend to only look at the negative. It made me realize, everyone, no matter what they look like, doesn't have this perfect dream life that we assume. I mean I can tend to compare myself with girls that are in my eyes gorgeous and what it would be like to be them, but than I think, ya know i really shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. Everybody has their own crap to deal with, some that may surprise us if we ever found out. I met people that in my eyes had it all, until i found out things about them that i would never suspect, so just cause we look at some people and think they are overjoyed and happy with their lives or think thay must have it all, sometimes that's not always the case. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that picking doesn't put this huge burden on our lives, cause it does, I've seen my ups and downs all cause of my picking, I've been suicidal cause of it, I've cut myself cause of it, I've overdosed cause of it, i've been hospitlaized cause of it, i dropped out of school cause of it, i've been housebound cause of it. But it makes me think, there's more to the picture than just having clear skin, there's other things that bother me that cause me to pick, like my insecurities, that I have low self esteem in general, that i have anxiety. I used to always think I just picked my skin and that that was it, there was nothing more to it, now i see what triggers me to pick and i'm more aware of the pattern of when I pick. Yes, I agree, the burden of picking would be great to be free of, it does cause a lot of pain and dissapointmant, but than I try to think there are worse things in life, I try to think of all the blessings and joys that i do have, that maybe sometimes I take for granted of what I do have that other people might not have. What I'm trying to get is, everybody is dealing with their own sh*t in one way or another, maybe our problems are worse than others, but their are others with worse dilemmas than us too. Sorry, kinda rambled on this.

[needshelpinBigD]

cinnamonfern said:

What I'm trying to get is, everybody is dealing with their own sh*t in one way or another, maybe our problems are worse than others, but their are others with worse dilemmas than us too. Sorry, kinda rambled on this.

The thread kinda got hijacked... but this is what my point was too!

[anonymousartist]

yeah, when I was finishing my run today, I realized that most people probably really are just as self-conscious, and many are insecure, the thing is just not everyone talks about it! So what is there to be afraid of if everyone is feeling exactly the same way somewhere inside? I mean, i know I'm not the only one out there running because I'm not entirely pleased with myself.