New with a lot of questions!

[janecitizen]

Hey guys,

I've been browsing this site for a couple of weeks now so I figured I may as well sign up...and ask you all a few questions that have been plaguing me for the longest time! First though, a bit of a lowdown on myself and my 'condition' so to speak:

Ok, so I'm an 18 year old uni student, total perfectionist, and have had this problem since I was about 11. I pick only on my face and occasionally on my shoulders....but my face is an absolute mess! I eat compulsively too. I've been wearing makeup since I was about 14 and let me tell you...I despise it! I hate makeup so much it isn't funny. No-one else I know wears it, which makes me feel really vain and downright ridiculous, because I know that people can still see the damage I've done to myself. People stare and most times I feel like an absolute freak. No-one sees me without makeup, not even my parents (who I still live with) and that in itself made things like school camps and sleepovers a living hell.

Right now I've started using this tea tree skin care range from the Body Shop and have tried to cut down on picking, and its helped a bit...but the scars are still there and don't look like they'll be going anywhere any time soon! I just want to have some self confidence for a change, I'm so sick of trying to pretend that I have it!

I could go on forever but you guys get the point. Ok, so here are my questions:

Firstly...it seems that most of you guys on this forum have or have a least had a boyfriend/girlfriend. I never have, as pathetic as that may sound! I guess my questions are, how did you do it? I mean, seriously! Does it bother them? Did they ever point it out to you? Do they even know? Doesn't wearing makeup all the time make it difficult to be intimate, as far as kissing or touching your face goes? There's a guy I really like at work, so that's why I'm asking all this ;D

Lastly, I was thinking about microdermabrasion to help lessen the visibility of the scars. Has anyone on here tried it and did it work? Right now I'll try anything.

Anyway, if you've read this far you've done well Thanks so much...I hope someone here can answer my questions

[hoppe]

Welcome to the board!

I know what you say about make-up. I HATE it too. Yet, I cannot live without it.

I just wanted to give you a reply on the boyfriend question. I have been in a relationship most of the time I have been a picker. Not the first year though after I started picking at my face (around age 18) - I remember feeling the same way as you. I could not even have a girlfriend sleep over, because I did not want anybody to see my face without make-up. I thought, great, how shall this ever work with a boyfriend? Then after some time I actually starting seeing a guy, and at first it was terrible. I had make-up on when I went to bed, I was constantly worried that it would rub off if he touched me (which it did) and I always had to get up at 6am to re-new my make-up before he woke up. I also frequently canceled dates with him, because I could not bare to have him see me. Then one time he was staying at my place, I had a picking session in the morning, while he was still sleeping. It looked really bad and I was so embarrassed when he saw me. His reaction was great though. He said - you know I love you no matter what. I love you for you. Even if you had a car crash and would end up completely disfigured, I would still love you.

I think that day it dawned on me that I am lovable even with this face. The relationship did not last though, for other reasons. Right after it ended I started seeing another guy and have been with him for 5.5 years now. It was a bit the same in the beginning, I was hiding a lot but after a while we moved in together and I often let him see me without any cover. Then at some point I told him about my picking. And he is still with me. He often tells me that it does not matter. That he does not care about my skin and that nobody else does either. And now I never use make-up at home. I wash it off the second I walk through the door. Sometimes I still feel uncomfortable if he sees my freshly picked wounds. But I think I have realized that if he cannot accept me like that then there is no future in our relationship anyway. I mean seriously .... with time I will get old and ugly anyway, so I don't want a guy who is so superficial that I have to worry he will leave me the second I get the first wrinkle.

Well, this turned out rather long. I think you should not worry to much about your skin when it comes to that guy at work. If he really likes you he will not care about it. Just take things slow. I mean you will not take him home to you after the first date, right? See how things evolve.

Good luck!

hoppe

[playinwitfire]

Hey janecitizen,

I've had a guy there for me for over three years but we never seem to make it to boyfriend/girlfriend level..i guess caus he feels he can support me better as a friend. Although we are really in love with eachother but sadly for us it has alwayz somehow fallen apart when were together caus i get so damn paranoid! Just the thought of the girls he passes on the street or in college that are gona be more beautiful than me with their gr8 figures and radiant skin..but you know what after 3 years of that i am finally realising he is actually mine. He gets so frustrated and hurt when i tell him i just can't trust him. He's got to know me so well he actully thinks i can do better than him?! Now we're finally at the point where I think we can get together caus we both have like equal strength..a lot of it which he has shown me...like if you don't see that you are strong then you wont be.

Man..you are not alone with the worries you have I hate my make-up too but I'm so glad you found this board cus it is just so fab. I'm sure this guy will see what a great person you are although..he is a guy so a lot of them can be shallow and just look at the outside sadly...if he can't see past that then he's just not worth it. See if you can just be friends with him first..not saying you're like me but when im interested in guy i have to spend quite a while being matey so i can gain confidence in his presence.

I am just getting over my picking bascially just through everything I've learnt on this board...

The treatment you choose depends on where you are with you're picking. If you have more or less stopped then microdermabrasion is a pretty gd idea. I have tried it but I'm scared of taking too many layers of my skin off which is pretty stupid i guess. Anyway these are all the things I've found are really useful...

although the immediate thing to think of is physical treatment you might wana consider Cognitive behavioural therapy to help you regain control of your compulsions. Some ppl find this helpful while others get by without it.

AHA (alpha hydroxy acid) facial- this is an exfoliating fruit enzyme facial (can buy to do at home but better professionally) where the enzymes are natural and basically eat up any dead or damaged skin cells. This really helps with light to moderate scarring..mainly pigmented skin and it smoothes the texture. About 6 of these are probz what you'll want which cost me around £120.

topically apply neosporin to bring down the redness and speed up wound healing.

Microdermabrasion and laser surgery are both good options if you feel you need it.

In the meantime think about helping your skin heal from the inside and simplyfying your skincare to help it do its job...drink tons of water to help your skin regenerate itself.

skincare-alwayz wear moisturiser with sun protection in it to protect your damaged skin. My fav trusted skincare brands have always been dermalogica, erno lazslo, ole henrisken, sisley, murad and dr hauschka..Recently i discovered 'somme institute' www.sommeinstitute.com which is all like new and 'revolutionary' and claims to transform your skins texture thers before n after pics i havnt tried it yet but il report back when i do. if you wana try it you can buy the products off drugstore.com theres onyl 5 of them (simple how i like it).

In terms of make-up what I try to is simplify that too.so like I use to use concealer with tinted moisturiser on top..now I just wear tinted moisturiser. i never wear foundation or powder cus i just don't like the feel of faking it although i still do on really bad days. for example dermalogica have a really good tinted day moisturiser which helps lighten skin pigmentation and a night time one with vitamin c.

Some ppl have tried 'green peels' which are apparently really good.

what you try really depends on the kinda scarring you have? like mine is pigmented and uneven whereas some ppl have like pitted scarring which respons better to more intense treatment.

lol soz if overloaded with advice but I've said everything i think could possibly help.

Let us know how it goes
xxxxjessxxxx

[playinwitfire]

omigosh one thing i forgot..probz know this but if you wana try any really gd brands that are hard to get hold of you can almost alwayz get them brand new off ebay for a fraction of the cost.

xxx

[jediknight]

welcome ! I know how you feel about the boyfriend thing, i am not sure how, i am 24 and the only people have seen me without makeup(which I hate also) is my husband and kids. i won't even let my family (mom dad brothers)see this mess. it has hurt my life in so many ways. i have missed out on ALOT because i was hiding from everyone. still am . I am not sure how my husband ended up seeing it, but we've been together on and off 10 years, we are split up now but he is still the only one who really knows how bad this compulsion is for me, and he is still the only one i can really talk to about it which is frustrating because my husband is horrible to talk to!! i talk to him about tons of stuff i have many issues, he will listen and it helps to have someone to listen but all he ever says is, "i don't know what to tell you, I am sorry" i know he tries but i have heard the words "I don't know" out of his mouth SOOO many times. ???frustrating, sorry back to the problem at hand..i just want you to know i feel your pain, Lord do I feel yuor pain, I have literally lost jobs over this, because i cannot face people some days. currently i have a face so bad i will not be able to leave my house for atleast a week. when i absolutely have to leave, i wear this big floppy hat which makes me look rediculous anyways. i had to drop my son off at my mother-in-laws today, to go to counseling and i quick tried to run in, but she looked at me and was like "what happened to your face??!!" i just said i dunno and quick left. ugh!! so embarassing. i was really glad to find this place. it does help, i wish i could win this battle. but it seems like everytime i do ok until my face is fairly healed then i crack again and do it all over. its a constant cycle......

[jules]

Welcome, janecitizen

We all here probably hate make-up... I hate it because I have to use it to "hide" what I've done to myself. The more damage I've caused, the more make-up I have to use. The make-up is a painful reminder of my picking.

As far as having a significant other seeing you without make-up, I think it comes naturally as the relationship progresses. For me, I just didn't wear make-up when he came to see me at my house at some point (4-5 months into the relationship). From then on, he knew what my skin looked like and I wasn't hiding it from him most of the time.

Although for a long time I led him to believe that I wasn't causing it myself, that it was just bad acne. Because of that, I would still often hide after a picking session, so that he wouldn't see such a sudden change. Or get up in the morning to apply the make-up before he got up. That went on for years. It was horrible. I don't know why I haven't told him for such a long time. I think because I didn't want to deal with this problem myself. Now, soon after admitting the problem to myself and trying to seek support for it, I have told him that my picking, not acne, is the real problem. He is supportive in that he lets me know he isn't going to leave me because of it and loves me regardless.

Sorry for rambling...

It is hard in the beginning stages of a relationship because you do have to hide at first (I can't see myself talking about it on the first date or even on the first 20 dates). But I don't see it as a real significant issue in a formed relationship. It is significant to me because it affects me, personally, but it has no bearing on my relationship. "He loves me for me" and all that...

Good luck to you with this guy at work or some other guy that you find interesting

jules

[janecitizen]

Seriously, you guys have no idea how much better you've made me feel! Especially after last night, when my mum told me to go to the doctor to "ask about my face." I've been letting my wounds heal and I thought I was really looking a lot better until she said that. It was totally humiliating...and what was worse was that my brother was in the car...my brother who, of course, has perfect skin. But I am so deterined not to go into a picking frenzy because of it. I'm going to just accept that they don't understand and try to beat it anyway!

Playinwitfire, I am completely like you in the sense that I have to be really good friends with someone before I even think of going out with them (not that that's ever happened to me but moving on : So yeah, my first challenge is getting to know him better...we've been working at the same place for about 4 years but I haven't really gotten to know him that well because it's a weekend job for me and it's his actual job (he's 21.) Anyway, I'll tell you the whole story another time lol.

Oh, as for the amount of damage I've done...there aren't really holes in my face, or deep scars. Right now, my face is full of old and new scars, the new ones being quite large. I'm talking 1 - 2 cm in diameter some of them. They're around my jawline and on my cheeks, but mainly the lower part of my cheeks (if that makes sense?) making them impossible to hide! My makeup is really crap but I'm too scared to go bare-faced to a store to get a proper makeup thing done.

I really want to give microdermabrasion a try but it really sucks that I'll have to go behind everyone's backs to do it. I mean, I don't have unrealistic expectations...just as long as I looked half normal!

I think I'm going to go do some research on it now, actually. Thanks again guys! This site is great

[brad]

Hi Jane,

I am a guy and a former relationship coach - both have nothing to do with picking - yet your picking probably has little to do with relationships either.

The advice above about taking things slow is good advice - especially in your mind. I am not saying never hold hands with the guy or anything, but you are already making out with him in the first post When I would advise men, I'd always say, no make out sessions until the 2nd or third date. So for you I'd recommend the same. Go somewhere where you both can feel comfortable and relaxed and just talk (about light subjects - no spilling on the picking - not yet).

As far as the scarring on (your face?) here's from a man's perspective. Don't worry about it. I work with one woman who is scarred pretty bad from this - been married 20+ years.

I used to work with another woman, scarred probably worse than the one above - whoo-hoo!! I would have dated her in a heartbeat if we both weren't married! Count on guys being dumb. They don't know the difference between acne scarring and picking scarring - I certainly didn't until I researched my own issues. If they like you they won't care - I mean it! You have much more to offer than just a pretty face.

Finally, love yourself and be gentle and patient with yourself. This isn't as horrible as it probably seems in your mind. There are much worse problems people have and display. I'd much rather be with a "picker" than someone who cheated on me, or an alcoholic, or child abuser...you name it. We all have problems, this is pretty minor compared to most.

[bea1]

Hi Jane When I was 18 (I'm now 22) I was in the same situation as you. Trying to get help for this problem and wondering how in the hell I was ever going to face a relationship with my skin the way it was/is. Actually, skin was the least of my worries in my romantic dealings with the opposite sex. (but relationships really aren't as terrifying as I thought they were) Well, I wish I could serve as a shining example, but I'm still not over the picking problem. Mind you, I don't care about it even a tenth as much as I used to. You are embarking on an exciting time of your life. Don't let picking stop you from making the most of it. Don't feel shame or apologise for yourself. Don't let picking hold you back. Pursue you passions, go for it with this guy, and keep in mind that your skin looks a lot worse to you than anybody else!! Eventually CSP fades into the background if you let it. It doesn't define me any more and that is almost as good as not having a picking problem at all. By the way, are you Australian?

[janecitizen]

Yep Bea, I most certainly am Australian ;D I live in Western Sydney.

I really admire the fact that you don't let it bother you so much! Because I've never been in a relationship before I guess I'm just worried about all sorts of little things that are probably no big deal...

I think what freaks me out the most is people touching my face. Everytime someone tries to I flinch and pull back because I'm worried my makeup is going to rub off and expose everything!!! I could not wear makeup but then I face the challenge of trying to explain to everyone what's happened to my face...not to mention the stares would become so much worse!

[asphinctersayswhat]

hi Jane Citizen,

I got a couple of light peels done a while ago, they really helped (expensive though) ; since peeling will happen (though very subtle) you need to protect your skin SPF wise, I mentioned this in another post, I use 8% AHA lotion on scars that need help going away, excellent stuff!

I also worry about makeup, my fear is it's going to come off or it makes a healing scab stand out because you've put too much concealer over it, eeek



LJ

[minnie]

Here's something that I hope will cheer you up: I have found that when I am in a relationship, my skin gets better!! I'm sure there are many reasons for this, but here are just a few, for me:

1) less time alone at night to pick
2) if you trust and feel comfortable with the person, having them around reduces your anxiety/ makes you happier
3) kissing a guy with a bit of 5 o'clock shadow is an awesome exfoliator!

However, I can definitely identify with your anxiety about getting into a relationship in the first place. Sometimes I wonder whether this habit is actually an unconscious method for me to push people away and keep myself safe from the stresses of getting into an intimate relationship. I've heard similar things about eating problems and disorders... I really want to stop doing that.

[starrdust007]

I don't hate make-up per se, but I do hate when I have somewhere fancy to go because my mother breaks out her cakey concealer and starts slathering it on my face to cover the red, picked spots. I never wear make-up around my friends or family unless she does that, mostly because, well, I'm like 500 pounds so I doubt people are even caring what my face looks like--which is a shame. I also don't ever wear make-up to look nice because I assume people will be like, "why is she bothering to try and look pretty...it's pointless." I know that sounds like I have low self-esteem. I was wondering if anyone knows if anxiety is at the root of these issues?

[anonymousartist]

Stardust,

Welcome to the the boards I think maybe if you experimented with make-up yourself (instead of letting your mom force it on you) you might find your own style and expression with it. I learned a lot about what kind of colors and blending i liked for myself by paying attention to how people on tv did it (if I liked a certain person's make-up, or eyebrows, whatever). And there's no reason you have to use something cakey (my mom doesn't do make-up right so I wouldn't want her putting it on me either!)

But I know what you mean about the why bother kind of attitude. I used to be overwieght (I'm still not done losing weight but it's time for me to drop the fat attitude) and people would really compliment me if I wore make-up and stuff, and I felt kind of like I would rather be accepted for who I was without it. But that attitude was also keeping me from getting the things I really wanted. If I want to lose weight and improve my skin (the make-up I use helps stop breakouts. I use the Neutragena Skin Clearing products for foundation, powder, and concealer) then I have to do it for myself.

And people aren't going to see it as pointless for you to try and look pretty. If you do something for yourself (like say, wear make-up or jewelry, or just feel good natural) and it makes you feel more confident then people will pick up on that. Don't ever feel bad about taking care of yourself because it'll make you feel better.

These boards have helped me cut down on picking quite a bit and I hope it'll help you too. So stick around for a while. And to answer your question about anxiety; it's different for everyone. I find that I pick sometimes to deal with anxiety, and also to deal with boredom, or being exhausted, and sometimes just out of pure habit. I also used to "zone out" in front of the mirror a lot to sort of avoid having to deal with other things. Hope you find some help.

--Becca.

[bluegem]

I'm 18 too and Ive been picking for a little over 3 years but have also been in a relationship for almost 3 years. I don't even really remember the first few months clearly, I was really depressed, but I tried so hard to hide it and didn't even realise I had a problem until I'd been picking about a year and a half. I'm a make up artist, so I love make up and love that it makes me look so much better, but I feel ok to have a naked face around my boyfriend now At first, it was half an hour to do make up every time I saw him. But yea, a guy that is worth it doesn't mind bad skin. I know my boyfriend wants me to stop, but he loves me irregardless and thinks I'm beautiful, even with my spots and scars.
Just a bit of advice:
Dark eye make up is great for young people, but especially if you have dark hair (be careful if you have light hair and practice it before you go out). It will help draw attention to your eyes and away from your skin, especially the jaw/chin area. Use a good concealer and lightly tap it on, using a cotton bud if necessary to get the best coverage. A transluscent powder after foundation/concealer will help the coverage last longer.
I use Ungvita (vitamin A cream) to help heal wounds quicker and reduce scarring. Microdermabrasion will reduce scarring, but I think you'll need to have most wounds healed first (not sure). Keeping your nails manicured and painted also helps some people - they don't want to break their nice nails or chip the paint. Acrylics or gel nails can help too. Plus it looks nice
Counsellors do the world of good. Don't be ashamed of them - I think everyone has enough issues to see one at some point. In order to really be happy, you need to work on all aspects of the problem - physical (prevent blemishes, reduce scarring and stop picking) and emotional/mental (counselling, CBT, the issues behind the habit).