Post by playinwitfire on May 6, 2005 6:39:24 GMT -5
Hey Just been thinkin..are we aware of what it is we actually want out of picking? like the goal you set and like why you never reach it? I guess I don't think about it much caus its stuck somewhere in the subconscious?
I need to know if anyone smells what the get out the skin because I do and I have never told anyone??! I like smelling my fingers after I rub them on my scalp aswell.
Sorry if this gross but heres my own observation:
When I go to have a wash and I catch sight of my face, I realise what I am about to do..this is the true moment of choice.
But the actual sight and prospect of what the task is to inviting, even exciting.
Then I enter into compulsion mode. My picking thoughts take over and override time, place, responsibility and rational thought.
I'm in a continoum.
My eyes scan over the terrain of my face, my fingers stretching the skin.. searching for irregularities..anything that meets the criteria:
Residue under the skin is like a first prize. I gage which bump will produce the most satisfaction. I turn my head to catch the bump in a better light, I don't want to ruin the moment...I need the kick.
My fingers head towards the treasure spot, lineing up ready to choke the offending pore to death. offending..but somehow strangely euphoric.
I start squeezing slowly to savour the moment when the gunk spills and spirals out of the tube which I must empty.
It's coming out less now and I want it more, I NEED it, so i squeeze more and the blood starts to spill out but I don't care, It doesn't hurt now. I search intently for more white stuff, it must be in there somewhere hidden under the blood! Once i have it on my finger I rub it together so it intesifies the smell, this is just as satisfying as extracting it and once I know what it smells like I can move on. If its completely hard residue then I get upset because it won't produce a smell.
There's nothing left.
I move onto the one 2cm away, This time it's yellow, I feel the satisfaction fill me, I'm lucky today. I should be feeling disgusting, why am I not cringing??
an hour later My face is 'purified' but as I come out of my trance it hits me again a thousand times harder than the time before...It's just a mess, was i seeing something else?
The compulsive part of me knows in a few days the tubes will be filled up again, It'll be better and I can't wait till next time, because next time they might grind and burst. They might hit the mirror. Isn't that what I need?
I just wanted you all to know you are not alone if you do all this.
I try to imagine I am goin to quarantine the disorder, once you feel separate from it like you can look at it objectively and not feel one and the same any longer, then you are beginning to leave it behind you.
please be strong xxjessxx
I need to know if anyone smells what the get out the skin because I do and I have never told anyone??! I like smelling my fingers after I rub them on my scalp aswell.
Sorry if this gross but heres my own observation:
When I go to have a wash and I catch sight of my face, I realise what I am about to do..this is the true moment of choice.
But the actual sight and prospect of what the task is to inviting, even exciting.
Then I enter into compulsion mode. My picking thoughts take over and override time, place, responsibility and rational thought.
I'm in a continoum.
My eyes scan over the terrain of my face, my fingers stretching the skin.. searching for irregularities..anything that meets the criteria:
Residue under the skin is like a first prize. I gage which bump will produce the most satisfaction. I turn my head to catch the bump in a better light, I don't want to ruin the moment...I need the kick.
My fingers head towards the treasure spot, lineing up ready to choke the offending pore to death. offending..but somehow strangely euphoric.
I start squeezing slowly to savour the moment when the gunk spills and spirals out of the tube which I must empty.
It's coming out less now and I want it more, I NEED it, so i squeeze more and the blood starts to spill out but I don't care, It doesn't hurt now. I search intently for more white stuff, it must be in there somewhere hidden under the blood! Once i have it on my finger I rub it together so it intesifies the smell, this is just as satisfying as extracting it and once I know what it smells like I can move on. If its completely hard residue then I get upset because it won't produce a smell.
There's nothing left.
I move onto the one 2cm away, This time it's yellow, I feel the satisfaction fill me, I'm lucky today. I should be feeling disgusting, why am I not cringing??
an hour later My face is 'purified' but as I come out of my trance it hits me again a thousand times harder than the time before...It's just a mess, was i seeing something else?
The compulsive part of me knows in a few days the tubes will be filled up again, It'll be better and I can't wait till next time, because next time they might grind and burst. They might hit the mirror. Isn't that what I need?
I just wanted you all to know you are not alone if you do all this.
I try to imagine I am goin to quarantine the disorder, once you feel separate from it like you can look at it objectively and not feel one and the same any longer, then you are beginning to leave it behind you.
please be strong xxjessxx
