Post by Mariana on May 5, 2005 3:02:11 GMT -5
It's 4 am and I think I have been reading the messages on this site for the last two hour. How is it possible there are so many people like me. I had always convinced myself that there was something wrong with me. I am 36 years old and have been picking since I was 10. When I was 14 I met one of my best friends and eventually learned that she also picked, although not quite so badly. It kills me to know how private and shameful it is to everyone. Unlike some people on this site I don't only pick at my face or upper body, I pick everywhere and anywhere I can find. This has made it so hard for me to be intimate with men. I do have a boyfriend now who knows what I do and has seen my whoIe body. He loves me anyway and more amazingly thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. I just think he's crazy and that there must also be something wrong with him. Poor guy! And despite his love I don't feel sexy or attractive.
When I started it was with my breasts. I had convinced myself that I did it there because my father was such a scary man and always considered women to be second class. Interestingly enough I no longer pick at my breasts, but I can't stop picking at my bum, legs and arms. I try not to think about it too much, because if I actually let it sink in that I have been picking for 25 years of my life....... I so relate to what so many of you say about envying other people's smooth skin. What I wouldn't give to have smooth clear skin. I now realize that I pick when I am anxious or bored, and for some reason I now pick after I orgasm after masturbation. I really believe that picking is how I nurture myself, how I touch myself to sooth myself. I have other problems, weight, depression and I have recently decided they all stem from one root cause - self-loathing and lack of self-love. So, that is where I'm going. I am doing my uttmost (hard as it is) to love myself, and be gentle with myself. I have beaten myself up for so long and I see now that it only makes everything worse. I am shocked at how difficult it is for me to love myself. As I was reading all the messages on this board my heart poured out with love. I just wanted to scream "It's okay - You're okay". I wish we could all just put our arms around ourselves and love ourselves. Our picking doesn't change who we are on the inside. I have at times felt grateful, in a weird sort of, for the picking, because it has given me so much compassion. I understand! I have wondered if it were my gift in a way. Maybe that was me trying to find some meaning or purpose in what seemed so sad to me. I look at pictures of me when I was a little girl, carefree, happy with the possibility of beautiful clear skin. It makes me so sad that I want to find meaning, a reason. Is there anyone else out there who feels self-loathing? Could that be the reason for this? And how would it be possible for us to understand that we have love and understanding for each other?
Also thanks so much for everyone's honesty. I am blown away!
When I started it was with my breasts. I had convinced myself that I did it there because my father was such a scary man and always considered women to be second class. Interestingly enough I no longer pick at my breasts, but I can't stop picking at my bum, legs and arms. I try not to think about it too much, because if I actually let it sink in that I have been picking for 25 years of my life....... I so relate to what so many of you say about envying other people's smooth skin. What I wouldn't give to have smooth clear skin. I now realize that I pick when I am anxious or bored, and for some reason I now pick after I orgasm after masturbation. I really believe that picking is how I nurture myself, how I touch myself to sooth myself. I have other problems, weight, depression and I have recently decided they all stem from one root cause - self-loathing and lack of self-love. So, that is where I'm going. I am doing my uttmost (hard as it is) to love myself, and be gentle with myself. I have beaten myself up for so long and I see now that it only makes everything worse. I am shocked at how difficult it is for me to love myself. As I was reading all the messages on this board my heart poured out with love. I just wanted to scream "It's okay - You're okay". I wish we could all just put our arms around ourselves and love ourselves. Our picking doesn't change who we are on the inside. I have at times felt grateful, in a weird sort of, for the picking, because it has given me so much compassion. I understand! I have wondered if it were my gift in a way. Maybe that was me trying to find some meaning or purpose in what seemed so sad to me. I look at pictures of me when I was a little girl, carefree, happy with the possibility of beautiful clear skin. It makes me so sad that I want to find meaning, a reason. Is there anyone else out there who feels self-loathing? Could that be the reason for this? And how would it be possible for us to understand that we have love and understanding for each other?
Also thanks so much for everyone's honesty. I am blown away!