How many of you are "out of the closet"?

[kimj]

I was just wondering how many of you keep this all to yourself or do you tell friends, significant others, etc.? Do you think it is more helpful to tell someone in person? The only people I can talk to about this is people on this board...I have thought about telling my boyfriend, but I am too embarassed. I also still haven't even been to a counselor. I am just so scared of anyone finding out. I know it would help me to see a counselor...especially since I am pretty sure that I have BDD too, but how helpful do you think it is to tell a friend/boyfriend?

[blondie88]

I'm exactly the same, I haven't told anyone about it yet. My parents know, but they disregard it completely. I haven't even told some of my closest friends that I know I can trust. It's too embarrassing! Like you I've only talked about my problem with other people on this board, or sent in anonymous questions to mental help sites. I've decided to try tell my school counselor.. but I'll probably chicken out. I guess it is good to let people know so that they can help, but I for one am scared that their opinions of me will change, plus since it's my personal problem, I think the best thing to do is speak to someone confidentially, like a counselor, or on this board.

[tina]

I believe this (much like my AA) is an anonymous thing. I think people are too judgemental. Besides, I don't need to point out the obvious- that is- my (occasionally) festering sores on my face.

I have only disclosed this fact to my closest friends. My family, well they have their own problems and they would not care, nor understand.

I prefer to write about it and talk about here, because I know all of you understand.

[lorieann75]

For the first 10+ yrs I never told a living soul. I think partly because I was in denial myself, and never thought it was a mental problem or a serious condition of any sort. In those days though, I'd never heard of such a thing as "OCD".

Later, after my divorce in 2000 and after meeting my now fiance, I decided that if I was ever in another relationship, there would be no "secrets"- not even this one, which caused me so much shame. He would ask me about my arms, I would tell him the same lies I told my coworkers at first. "A medication I'm taking gives me sensitivity to the sun, and causes rashes on all exposed skin surfaces" This lie worked wonders, and I used it with friends and family also, no one questioned it. But it was destructive, because it allowed me to do MORE damage and have a "get out of jail free card" for it. Eventually, I owned up to my then BF and now fiance about all of it- every bit- even the negative awful thoughts that repeat in my mind when I'm picking, and how at other times I feel like an automaton instead.

I only just shared the info with my mother, and my mother in-law this past year. It was such a relief to tell my own mom. She was so supportive, and still is. My mother in-law is less understanding, but only due to ignorance on the subject of OCD. She does however have her own issues with depression, so certainly doesn't become judgemental about it. Just fails to truly "understand" it. *shrug* That's fine by me, it seems that each new person I confide in with the truth, makes ME feel much better. So regardless of their reaction and how THEY "deal with it"- if being honest about my condition helps me, I'm still gonna do it. They can either adapt and proceed- or stay the heck out of my life. I don't need the negative influences! hehe. I know I'm blunt, always have been. But I believe in surrounding ourselves with positive people who add- not take away- from our lives.

[lauryn]

i tell anyone who asks

no shame in my game

[Krib]

Hello,
I've just joined, I'm so glad there are people who will *know* what this is like. I've been picking since I got acne at 13, and first realised I could squeeze. I'm now 21, and the problem isn't as bad as it was, but some days I can take up to 4 hours just to get up, skin-pick, wash my face repeatedly, and then cover up all the damage with make-up. My housemates just think I'm insanely vain, but I don't really see it as vanity. It's weird, because on all other levels I don't care what I look like, I don't give much thought to clothes or hair, just my skin!

My parents don't realise it's a clinical problem, they just know I get spots and pick them. It's odd as my mum's an ex-nurse but she never really comments on my red-raw face after hours in the bathroom, as she's just "used to it". The main thing that gets me down is that it makes me late for everything (that's a real reputation I have!!) and that I'm just known as "vain" when I don't feel I truly am.

I recently told a mate, who has a few OCD-trait problems of her own, about my picking when we were drunk, and she was fantastic. What I don't want is people shouting "oh god, you've got to get help!", and she was so calm and understanding. It was a real weight off my mind, and I know that while she won't tell anyone, she will stick up for me when everyone's is waiting for me to "get ready" to go out, which is a relief.

Hmm, sorry if this message isn't entirely related to the topic, but it's great to be able to post here! Thanks everyone, good luck with it all!

Krib

[anonymousartist]

I have told a few of my friends. not in an elaborate way. But you know why? 'cause they have the same tendencies and if I pick up on it I'm comfortable saying so. I'm not really comfortable with the whole world knowing about this though. One of the few things I keep from people. But I also don't go to great lengths to hide it with make-up and clothes, but I do somewhat. My family also knows but I think they would like it to be worse than what it is. I'm just glad I found this place for help because you all really do understand

[kimj]

Wow. thanks everyone for your thoughts...it's interesting to see all the varying views. I think a main reason why I haven't told my people is because of the nature of the problem...picking at your own skin and causing scabs on your legs probably sounds pretty disqusting to a lot of people.
I wanted to tell Krib hello and welcome to the board. It was nice to hear her viewpoint because it seems we have a lot in common...I have the WORST reputation for being late...its really bad. My friends always tease me (not in a mean way) about it, but it also affects my sleeping if I pick late at night and I'm late for work sometimes. I also think that people see me as vain a lot of the time- but I'm Not. I think a lot of that might be because of BDD (I can't allow myslef to be seen without make-up) which is another story all together. Anyway, I still don't know if I will tell my boyfriend or any friends, I think it might help, but I just can't bring myslef to do it. I just don't know what to do...but I know posting on here helps

[Krib]

Hello Kim! Yeh we do sound very similar, as I can't be seen without make-up either, I didn't realise it was BDD I'll only allow my parents to see me without it, and even then I hate it, but at least it saves time if I know I don't need to leave the house.

Only about 2 people know about my CSP, but no-one realises my dependency on make-up. I keep it so natural (no lipstick / eyeshadow etc) that many people don't even think I wear much at all (if only they knew!). Some people have even said I've got great skin when I'm hiding a load of wounds under foundation! I could be a make-up artist with the skills I have in covering up glaring red marks! And I hate it 'cos as I said, I'm not vain and I hate wearing make-up, but if I didn't people would realise I was damaging my own face and get worried.

I was in denial for years, I didn't even realise my dependency on make-up until one day I had to collect a prescription before the chemist shut, and I wasn't quite finished with my face yet- still had the foundation to go. But I had to get to the chemist, so I just ran there, but I was so scared, I couldn't look anyone in the face just 'cos I wasn't wearing my mask. I didn't have that many spots or marks, but I was panicking the whole time. *That's* when I realised I had a massive problem. I cannot leave the house without it. Sometimes my flatmates will knock on my door for me, and if I don't have the make-up on, I have to make out I'm naked or something so that I don't have to face them....but "naked" for hours!?

The friend I told about the CSP said that they all wonder what the hell I get up to and why I lock myself away for hours, but they don't ask me as they know I won't tell them or I'll avoid the subject. Last year, one friend (who incidentally has amazing, beautiful skin and never, ever wears make-up, she's the most naturally beautiful girl I know!) mentioned to my mates that she thought I spent the time putting on make-up, and everyone seemed disgusted One of them said to me, after I arrived 5 hours late at a party (bad skin day!): "how can someone be so vain as to spend all that time getting ready!!?". I wanted the ground to open up.

And the sleeping thing is true for me too, Kim. I've actually got something called DSPD (Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder) which means I can't sleep until about 4 or 5am, and have to sleep really late in the day to compensate. It's the worst combination of things- I sleep late, get up late, pick for hours, and am then late for absolutely everything. I get called "lazy" and "vain" but I know I'm not....horrible...

So I know how ya feel! Sorry to ramble on about me so much, it's not helping the "I'm not vain" cause!! But I feel like I can let it all out on this board now, and there's no-one else I can really talk to. Thanks!

P.S- Does anyone else use long hair to hide their face too? At school I wore my hair tied back constantly, would never let it down, but as soon as I did I realised my cheeks, and thus some marks/spots, were more hidden and I've never tied it back in public since. Again, I whip out the bands in my hair if someone knocks on my door so that my hair's down- it's that bad! Even with my closest friends! They haven't commented on that yet, probably just think it's part of my so-called "hippy/goth" style...bah, style!? More like fear!

[Krib]

I've been reading some past threads, and came across one about not wearing make-up. It made me feel really stupid about my dependency on it, when many of you can deal with facing the world with a picked face. I really admire that! I couldn't face the questioning

But it's all about conditioning. At school, before I started using make-up at 14/15 ish, I was severely bullied over the state of my face, and told I was ugly every day and that "no one would ever love me"!!. Make-up seemed to make me seem less of a freak to people.

Last year, at work, I had a few days where I had picked badly but didn't have time to put on too much make-up, and the marks weren't very covered. When I'd spent more time concealing them a few days later, my (female!!) boss said: "Oh! You look SO much better with make-up!".And to think at the time I even said "Thanks"....I could kill her now!!

It's things like that which can affect such stupidly suggestible people like me. Don't ya just want to shred up society!?

[anonymousartist]

Hmm. I was called zitface at a young age (I got acne in 4th grade, before everyone else really did) but it was by a stupid boy and really I was very good at not letting people make fun of me get to me.

I think either your boss thought she was being helpful (maybe she is make-up dependant) or if she did mean it in a bad way then it was based on her own insecurity.

Granted, I'd like to wear more make-up sometimes and bother with my hair to look more put together, but sometimes it is nice to go to the grocery store or whatever looking like crap 'cause it's no one's business

[rachacha29]

My boyfriend sees it. He tries to stop me. I have noticed that this has become a pattern with me. I'll have a boyfriend who becomes the person who takes my hands away from myself.
It makes me wonder why I do it.
A counselor told me that it is important to notice what it is I am thinking/doing before I begin to pick.

[Froglet]

Yeah, I remember being called cancer face at school once. But kids are cruel and people can be ignorant to others feelings, so we should try to let that stuff wash. We only take it to heart so much because it is such a touchy subject. Who cares what people think, the ones that are crappy to us about it arn't worth our time anyway.
I told everyone about my picking as soon as I found out it was a thing other people do. It was as if it made it less wierd coz I could say, 'ah yes you see its actually related in a way to obbsesive compulsive dissorder blah blah blah...' Not just a random freaky thing i do... but a medically regognised random freaky thing i do! And my friends and family and boyfriend have been wonderfully supportive. One friend even looked it up on the web to better understand. I think in a way, many can relate, theyve all had a spot they picked too far. I just do it all the time.
My habit is part of me, and I refuse to be ashamed, especially with those I love. Im trying to quit, but it would be mad to pin all my hopes of happyness on being pick free and clear skin. Im trying to live with myself the way I am. I think that is why I have been picking less severly these days. And a sense of humour. Very important for me to be able to have a giggle at how mad it all is! ;D

[Wee One]

i'm really glad i'm not the only one who is constantly late for everything because of this - i mean obviously i'd rather u weren't but it's nice to know that i'm not alone with this! i really can't leave the house without make up, i mean i don't usually wear much make up except concealer. i don't know what i'd do without the stuff! i do sometimes think though that it might be counterproductive as at the time i know that i'm gonna cover it up so i end up doing more damage.

i get loads of comments too about how great my skin is and i'm standing there with loads and loads of concealer on! i amaze people with the before and after! the only people i let see me with absolutely no make up on is my parents and brother and 2 really close female friends. sometimes i pick without realising it and if i'm watching tv with them or something then they're always going "emma stop picking" and "emma take yr hand away from yr face!" it's really not as embarassing as it sounds and i kinda like it coz it means that they're looking out for me.

but yeah i'm the same if one of my flatmates knocks on my door i pretend i'm naked as well! they must think i'm naked a lot, but i live with 4 boys so i don't think it bothers them! i have one really annoying flatmate though who feels its his duty to comment on my face. if he comes in and i'm not totally covered up he's always like "what's happened to your face!" grrrrrrrr

oh yeah i'm just wondering, how do yr boyfriends not realise? i mean with me it's pretty obvious with all the marks,etc and my make up always comes off when i'm kissing! i've told quite a few boyfriends and they've all been great about it. i mean i told them, they questioned me, and then that was it with the weirdness. after that it's just taken as what it is. i have to say you'd be surprised at how little a difference it makes and at how they seem to find you just as attractive! to be honest last year i was dating this guy who i really liked on a superficial basis (he was a gorgeous basketball player) and i think he only liked me on a superficial basis, so i would cancel so many dates if i wasn't healed up to my satisfaction or i would pretend to make up rules with him where i had to keep certain items of clothing on or he couldn't touch me there, i mean like really stupid stuff (that he somehow thought was kinky when it was just me being embarassed!) and now with my boyfriend it's just so much better. i can see him whenever i like and also i pick less coz i seem to pick more when i'm worried about the way i look.

anyway wow this is getting really long, but basically what i mean to say is that i think it's so much better if you tell people like yr boyfriend coz if he does really like u then i'm sure he'll be really understanding. when i tell them i try not to make a big deal out of it, i just say like "when i get stressed i start attacking my face!" and i just complain about it and then maybe gradually go into it a bit more.

anyway, don't do anything u don't wanna do! oh yeah and telling my female friends is great coz i can ask them bout my makeup whenever i want and they let me know if anything comes uncovered so i worry less! god i sound like everything is so superficial. i mean i talk to a couple of very very close friends about my ocd and depression,etc and i have to say that sharing was the best thing that i could have done. it gave me the confidence to get help and i thought telling people would be bothering them with my problems but my friends were really interested and wanted to know everything that i was thinking and feeling and it didn't feel like a hassle at all, actually it was a godsend and my flatmate erin would come and wait downstairs when i went to see the therapist, etc. i mean i don't know what other people's friends are like but with me i felt like i was all alone and dealing with it all myself, and then when i told my friends, i wasn't alone anymore. plus if yr going on antidepressants i recommend it as i was a moody bitch for a while! i would shout and swear at my friends and they would just sit there and say calmly "you can swear at me however much u want, but i want u to know that i still care about u" seriously, i think people can surprise you.

anyway, wow, i feel like i'm giving u my life story!

better go,

Em x

[Krib]

I live with 4 blokes too (do you find you get on better with blokes Emma?), so yeh, they must just think women walk around with no clothes on whenever they're in their rooms! I think I've occasionally let them in when I haven't been ready and (touch wood!) no comments so far, but I get a little paranoid that they're looking and thinking "what the hell's on your face!?". I try to hide it with my hair a bit, but I bet that makes me look even stranger!

I think I'm getting nearer to telling people actually. Now that I've found this board and researched it all a lot, I see that I can reason it out better as a medical problem rather than me just being a vain bitch! I'm so stupid, 'cos one of my flatmates, who's also been my best friend since well before uni, is undergoing therapy for health anxiety, with related OCD behaviours of self-checking and stuff. So if anyone would understand, it's him!

At the same time, that's also a reason why I *haven't* told him: when he knew he had a problem, he was really open about it, and got medical help straight away. I helped him through panic attacks, and everyone knew and supported him. I'm worried that my mates will be offended I haven't told them! Deep down I know they'll understand. But I also know they'll keep suggesting I get help- but I don't feel ready yet. I'm trying to cure myself slowly and surely, and I don't want people saying "you've got to see a doctor" every time I pick, especially the friend undergoing therapy. He won't understand why I don't get help. So I just dunno what to say or do. At least one friend knows, that made me feel SO much better!

I don't think the school taunts damaged me as much as I implied, I can laugh at most of them now! I think it f*cked me up at the time mainly cos it was literally *constant*, as in every single school day for about 2 years I was told I was hideous. I was strong, but not that strong! But it's over now, it's kinda like the ugly duckling story thank god!

As for boyfriends, well I gave up on relationships just after starting uni. Understandably, no guy was willing to wait hours for me to piss about with picking and make-up. The only bloke I told didn't believe CSP was real and just called me vain and took the piss 24/7, made me feel even worse than before! Another saw a load of caked foundation and fluid on some cuts on a bad day and said my face looked "diseased"- ha! Cheers! Guess I just had bad luck with men! Don't think I can face another relationship for a long, long time now. I've only been really interested in one guy since starting uni, and I ended up looking prude cos of it- we played a kind of "strip" game thingy, and I wouldn't take my shirt off as I'd picked my chest to bits that morning. And anyway, he was so good looking I don't think he would have welcomed my natural, picked face, so again I couldn't really be in a relationship with him if I'd had wanted to be totally honest with him. Argh, this thing really f*cks up your life!!

God, I must seem self-obsessed, know what you mean about the life-story thing, I'd best bugger off now! Good to hear people's stories though, I've been so comforted by this board, it's good to get it all off your chest, 'cos we've all got a lot to offload.

Cheers,
Kx