Two-headed CSP Colouring Chart

[moratorium]

Hi hoppe,

I'm sorry if I alarmed you. I'm going through an irascible bad patch right now and the self-destructive impulses seem to be taking precedence. You are so sweet to implore me to survive, in capitals no less. The sad fact is I have so many reasons to kill myself. Being forced to stay alive is such a raw deal.

hoppe, I hope you are doing OK yourself. I empathise so immensely how overwhelming life afflicted with CSP and poor self-image can be.

I suffered a terrible 2 hour-long picking session yesterday. I really went to town on myself and am now adorned with a host of scabs and red patches. I think I've inherited the rat-bitten mantle as pioneered by the lovely pamela. I wish I could sublimate my emotional distress with a different habit. Even a smack addiction would be preferable to this! I'm really going to try to get back on the wagon for the remaining 10 days of my chart. I am due a healing Sabbatical.

Wishing you all well,

Mora.

[neuromancer]

i haven't even seen the chart yet, but--based on the intellectual prowess your writing conveys-- it'll be a priority. i just wanted to comment right away on the beauty of your craft. i went to columbia for writing and have had a block since sept. 11th. it's so nice to know that despite the bane of your disorder you have continued to write. my will to write and read has been somehow deadened... with the state of my skin and body in such rapid decline, i no longer care to exercise anything formerly considered a talent.

[Supervixen]

Hello, I hope everyone's doing ok?
I haven't got much news - I seem to be incapable of going more than 1 or 2 days without picking. But at least my poor skin gets a break for a good few hours in between the picking sessions - I have improved from before I discovered this board. A few months ago I would've been picking at least once everyday. So hurrah! Slowly but surely I will overcome this habit ;D It may take me ten years but one day I hope I don't feel the need to pick anymore.
Love to you all

[moratorium]

Hi Alice (and anyone still soldiering on),

neuromancer, I am deeply humbled by your tragic exposition - encompassing a dizzying cornucopia of epidermal umbrage, substance abuse, misanthropic ascendant rock bands and a mordant proclamation of forsaken talents. Judging by your tellingly adroit posts, it is clear your flair for evocative and thought-provoking commentaries on the confounding transcontinental 'music press' of life still very much subsist. You have such an incredible story to tell, I don't believe your talents have been relinquished in the slightest. If you'll forgive my morally egregious confiteor - I am actually on tenterhooks following your recent serialisation of self-professed decline. I myself am not an avid reader, yet, I find myself gripped by the fate that beset a jobbing model in LA!

You convey so much pain with your words - a coveted quality for any artist. I sincerely hope you can find something to upstart your fledgling talents/self-esteem. It seems you are such a sensitive and vulnerable soul who found herself inveigled by the artifice of transient superficial reinforcement - be it the airbrush of glamour or the tar-brush of mind-bending, psychotropic bacchanalia. neuromancer, there is obviously so much more to you than that and it is tragic that you have been left to freefall through such tumult without a supportive network around you to instill a sense of unconditional love and support irrespective of the ebb and flow of fickle agencies and academic reproach. It should have been espoused that your grandfather posthumously wished to see you loved without any qualifying clauses, not harangued into a state of hopelessness in which the venal lure of prostitution is seen as a prospective move. Don't sell yourself short neuromancer, you are a very beautiful person (in the ontological sense) and I for one, believe this 'deadened' spirit is not beyond the reach of necromancy.

Alice, I'm as ever delighted to hear how you're doing even when so-called 'news' is minimal. We can't expect you to announce an imminent pregnancy every week! I really believe there is an internal alert system which is more immediately accessible when you begin to thrash out the complexities of picking by transcribing your thoughts and reading others' stories of picking management/mismanagement. Even though you're still picking, it's quite remarkable that you've resolved to slow down the cycle, even if just slightly. I too feel I have rediscovered that elusive accountability - tacitly making sure I give myself ample recovery time whereas before I had free rein. Having said that, I didn't quite last the 10 days I set myself since my last transgressive act. I am back at the foot of Mount. Excoriee embarking on yet another ascension equipped with only a ruddy complexion and scabby chin to shield me in the event of an avalanche. Here is my second completed chart. As you may observe, I cocked up right at the death! But at least I accrued more healing days than I might have had I not been keeping check.

I've also started jogging again which serves as a little avocation. I'm so out of practice though, one passing motorist took it upon themselves to yell "If you run any faster you'll have stopped!" the other day as I reached my aerobic limen. At least my visible scabs might help create an illusion of speed, almost like a motion capture matrix.

Sending you all my best,

Mora.

[tina]

I'm gonna try this too!!!

I'll begin tommorrow.

This is way cool!!!

[ameise as guest]

oh mora, your post made me laugh out loud twice... your so silly for a semi-suicidal excoriee... I took jog just the other day, too, at that preferred jogging pace, also for the first time in months.

I'm glad you're looking looking at the Mount.

[moratorium]

hehe... ameise... I seem to spend so much of my time orienteering around that contemptible Mount. Excoriee, either that or bivouacking through the 'hanging valley'. I'm heartened to hear you suffered a similar pace-making debacle.

tina, I'm glad you have been inspired to try this bizarre form of self-monitoring. Here is the photoshop format if you (or anyone) wish to make a digital version (and perhaps upload it): right click to download

I picked a tiny amount myself today, but nothing too demoralising.

Love,

Mora.

[tina]

Hi Mora,

I have no idea why, but since I have hjad to "answer" to the chart I have had two days totally pick free.

It also helped that I had a job interview yesterday and I did not want to look like I had some strange disease.

Thank you for the chart. I like using it.

[Supervixen]

Oooo I love all you lot. You make me feel less freaky ;D
Just thought I'd let you know.
The past week I've made absolutely no effort to restrain from picking, I don't know why. I've been sitting down in front of the mirror knowing full well what I was about to do and actually looking forward to doing it. And then feeling like crap afterwards.
SO I'm starting the chart again, tommorrow morning. And this time I really want to put all my energy into not picking.
Love to you all

[blondie88]

Wow this chart is so cool! I used to have a similar thing but I didn't last more than 3 days so I gave up lol. But this one will keep me motivated for sure! I had another major picking session today. In the morning I picked a tiny bit, in the afternoon it was a 2 hour session, and now in the evening.. ugh 1 hour session. I really do look diseased:( I didn't want to do it.. but it felt good at the time I guess. Now I feel crap. Oh well, I'll be starting the chart from tomorrow onwards, hopefully by the time I get the courage to see my school counselor I'll be looking (relatively) normal

[pamela]

:)Dear Mora, Supervixen, tina ,ameise, neuromancer and everybody else.!!!!!
First of all sorry for disappearing abruptly from the board. I guess you have experienced that too when there’s nothing to say. Meanwhile I’ve been checking in and reading the posts, and as always feeling so many similarities among us. Sensitive persons, artistical, mothers, young adults, dults, struggling against this problem but still very strong in the inside.
It was my 29 Birthday last Friday and a friend astrologer read me my natal chart,it was a very interesting experience. I was always an astrology fan but many of the things she told me made very much sense. I didn’t dare sking about this issue but maybe now she told me stuff that had to to with this.
Well leaving this astrological comment , I’ve been a total mess, totally compulsive,self medicated. Tried prozac for a week and the side effects were absolutely horrendous,including nausea and that made me feel that medication right away because throwing up is some of of the things I most hate in the world.
And I don’t think it made me feel better, I didn’t give the medication very much time to work but I just got the feeling it wasn’t the best thing. So that’s why I’m returning to my old friend xanax when feeling very anxious (pms right now) and of course my glasses of wine or beer depending on my mood.
Dear Mora, your writing is beautiful and makes my vocabulary look so poor.!!!!!!!

Well girls hope to be posting and join you again with the 21 chart, I just feel like having no directions in life right now.
Love you and hang in there
Pamela ( panic!!!!!!!)

[Eyahnah]

Thanks for the chart! I am going to start tomorrow after a long bought of giving in to the habit.

My thought on suicide that I have pulled from my arse? ~ Why bother? You have an eternity to be dead, but only one lifetime to live. Might as well make the best of it. ~

Helpful? Probably not. Well, Strong Will to everyone out there.

To stop us from picking: The 1003rd use for Duct Tape

[tina]

I think it is partly the chart, partly spiritual growth and partly emotional healing, but I have not picked for 8 straight days!!!!

[Leese]

TEXT

Mora,

I just discovered this board and felt compelled to write. Something I generally never attempt.

Your honesty is a gift, and I have learned so much from reading the posts from start to end.

Thank you for the gift you've bestowed ... what a wonderful treasure you are.

I will look forward to reading more, and feel secure in the knowledge that I am not alone.

[moratorium]

Hi Alice, tina and the delectable pamela! Welcome blondie, Eyahnah and Leese,

Leese, I'm so gratified to think my pell-mell of outpourings have made you feel less alone in suffering with this compulsion. There are so many thoughtful and edifying posters on this board, I really urge you to explore the wealth of knowledge and support here further. The irrevocable drive to interfere with the topography of the skin seems to exist in tandem with such deftness of mind when contiguous to internet fora. It's very sweet that you have broken your reticence to egg on such a skin-obessed outcast! I certainly appreciate the infraction.

tina, it really gladdens my heart to hear of your success. 8 days pick-free is nothing to be sniffed at. That is a fantastic accomplishment. Hearing of your spiritual growth and healing is really inspiring. I pray that it continues for you. I hope the job interview went well too. I'm sure you'll be part of the occupational fabric of society in next to no time.

Eyahnah, I wish you all the best in your endeavours to renounce this habit. Perhaps you could displace the act of picking with the pulling out of more aphorisms (apropos your 'arse'), I love your style!

Happy belated Birthday pamela! I'm so sorry to hear about your prozac caprice with subsequent vomiting! Who'd have thought it would be an SSRI that finally pushed you body over the vomitive threshold rather than a few too many wines? Perhaps your body is configured to digest only fermented goods. It might serve you better to brew your prozac.

pamela, your English is not at all poor, it is fantastic. I hope you can find the direction in life you are looking for, I certainly couldn't give you any directions in Spanish save for maybe telling you to simply head straight along the 'Cataratas del Iguazú'. But my Spanish limitations don't mean you aren't free to follow any direction you choose, even if it means climbing up El Obelisko! ;D

blondie, it really is an ongoing struggle to combat this ritualistic comfort blanket. It sounds like you have a lot to cope with and I really would encourage you to pursue counseling at your school. You deserve to be able to live a life in which you don't constantly have to be at the behest of your skin. If you enlist help while you are young you may be able to spare yourself a lifetime of perpetual self-denigration. The world is your oyster blondie.

Alice, I'm thinking of you too! I hope you are choosing wisely in the 'pick' or 'not to pick' high stakes.

As for myself, I am currently undergoing something of a psychosis. I've spent the past few days romancing with my psychologist and the presiding feeling I'm left with is one of intrapsychic conflict. He had a few days off and invited me to a beautiful retreat in the country. I feel so close to him and am unabashedly seduced by his cerebral and psychological brilliance. He so nonchalantly extols all of my symptomatological idiosyncrasies and I don't feel so self-conscious about my anomalous picking scars when I'm with him, sexually or otherwise. However, now I've returned from our little excursion I am rife with so much confusion. He is so busy with all of his other clients while in an attempt to revivify myself I have been picking quite brutally yesterday and throughout today. Aren't therapists meant to alleviate distress not exacerbate it? I am in such a muddle. I think it might be a wise move to seek out a more impartial therapy, and should his id feel so inclined, see Dr. Transference only casually.

Once again, I'm back in the brace position hoping I can convalesce for the eight days left on my chart.

Love,

Mora.