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Post by drprincess on Mar 30, 2005 15:18:02 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
I have been pickfree for 2 days, and picked a little the other 2 days. It feels good not to be such a victim of this terrible habit. My skin is glowing and the big zit on my chin is now a slowly fading pink scar. My therapist and i have decided that i need to go workout with that big pink scar on my chin(exposure therapy). I know that i would greatly benefit from it, but it is so hard to go out in public like that. I'm trying to psych myself for it, by saying that i am going to be there for me, not for anybody else. I will let you guys know how it goes.
drprincess
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Post by drprincess on Mar 30, 2005 15:32:03 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
Sorry i have to post a little at a time, this computer is giving me problems. Congratulations, moratoruim on your 21 days and more importantly you courage to forge ahead for another 21 days. I am glad to see you are doing better with you suicidal thoughts, It is so important to have a "no fail environment", especially now that you are so vulnerable, and no longer turning to the skin picking as a coping mechanism. I really do believe that it gets worse before it gets better, especially when you don't have another healthier habit to turn to, when your trying to give an unhealthy habit.
Oh, and by the way, I really advise to get another therapist, I had a similiar experience with a male therapist, who did me more harm than good. You are getting therapy for yourself, not for his selfish, perverted needs(sorry, i still feel some resentment towards him. some days are better than others.)
Congratulations, supervixion on your pregnancy. It will defintetly require extra adjustment on your part, especially to those dreaded horomonal shifts. I don't have any experience with pregnancy, but I am just talking from a nursing and women's perspective(PMS).
I have a feeling you will be ok, especially if you managed to quit smoking, which is the most addictive habit to break for some people.
I hope everyone else is doing good, and remember to take care of yourselves, because no else can do that for us, except us.
loves to all,
drprincess
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Post by Supervixen on Mar 31, 2005 15:40:13 GMT -5
Mora - Wooo yeah! I forgot to say congratulations on your completed 21 day chart! ;D How rude of me! Thanks for the pregnancy congrats  I know I said I wasn't going to start the chart for a week or so, but...I haven't picked for over a day so I'm going to start it now (I change my mind a lot about things, I'm not very consistent). At the moment there's SO much going on on my face (think pmt X 10!), I could literally spend hours 'cleansing' each and every pore, but I don't want to and I choose not to. I'm going to keep busy instead and I'm not going near any mirrors tonight. If I can make it through to tommorrow morning without picking I will be v pleased with myself. I'm off to keep busy...  |
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Post by moratorium on Apr 1, 2005 10:51:15 GMT -5
Hi everyone, Thanks so much for your support and encouragement drpincess and Alice. I feel hellish and have been crying uncontrollably. I feel so empty inside when I'm not reliant on the extreme polarities of either picking in a destructive frenzy or routinely having to seek solace in escapist activities as a means of expediently bearing the wounds - as the determining fulcrum for my life. I am having a severe identity crisis, picking is such an integral part of my emotional catharsis; it gives me a license to feel. Now I've renounced it I don't know what to feel. I'm numb. So great is the withdrawal I woke up and dug my nails into my skin as a roused reflex action and picked one little pore before I even had a chance to instill any mental discernment of proceedings. I restrained myself immediately but I don't even know what it is I seek to preserve anymore. I want to end this misery permanently. Sorry for such a lugubrious opening gambit. drprincess I'm thrilled to hear that you are coping so gallantly and have found some pick-free success. I wish you luck with your public exposure! Goodness, that sounds like incitement to flashing.  Thanks so much for your compassionate words of support. I'm sorry you too suffered such an impropriety with your therapist. I think perhaps I should begin to try to distance myself from mine. Alice, what a swift volte-face! Your resolve is unstoppable. I'm so pleased you 'chose' not to provoke your delicate skin. I hope all is going well. Best wishes to everyone, Mora. |
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Post by ameise as guest on Apr 1, 2005 13:00:20 GMT -5
Hi Mora-
This is ameise -- I have not written to you before, but I read & value your posts. I used your 1st 21 day chart, too. The farthest I ever got was 18 days... not quite the goal, but the chart was helpful.
Anyway, I could really relate to your post this morning.
Sometimes I have felt that one thing I'm addicted to about picking is seeing the healing process of my skin... it is kind of comforting, or encouraging -- that things will get better, that our bodies have that life-force in them to move towards intactness/ health.
I've also noticed that I get something from the "self-doctoring" routine -- it seems to make me feel like I have an excuse to be in a personal-time-out-ward, in which I am tending & caring for myself the best that I can.
And finally - the cycle--- the up and down cycle. Things go back and forth between catastrophe/ black hole and getting better/ on the upswing.
sometimes when I have managed not to pick for weeks, I notice that at first there is this time period of feeling disengaged, or like I don't know what to think about, what to worry about without the on-going drama of What is Going On with my SKIN. That ususally the state of my skin sets the tone... and without that as a variable, there is a lack of tone.
But, what I try to rememeber is that : the cycles, the ups and downs of skin-picking/skin-healing is so much like the sysiphus story. And don't want to be stuck in a circle - I do believe in the potential for my development, to moving closer to becoming my best or truest self..
.
so even though stopping picking can initially lead to that lost-empty state, I really think it is opening up the space both to have the other personal-growth things move in. And, also, the lost-empty state is probably a good chance try to face to emptiness/ Void-aspect of life - rather than being distracted by picking or whatever else.
Blah blah blah...
in other words, I am hopeful that the lost-emptiness of picking-gone has value .. . being in it is probably somewhat good for us, and I think it can & probably will transform to something else.
good luck,
ameise
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Post by Supervixen on Apr 1, 2005 13:15:01 GMT -5
Hi ameise. Wow, that's exactly how I feel too. But you put it better than I could have! Well, I think I keep underestimating my desire to pick. I didn't manage to go through the night without attacking my face and I've had 2 sessions of picking today. 1 small and 1 big.  Maybe I'm not ready to do the chart yet. I keep thinking 'yeah, of course I can do this, all I need to do is NOT PICK!' But it's proving very hard indeed. I keep choosing to pick  . Love to you all xxx |
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Post by hoppe on Apr 1, 2005 13:38:15 GMT -5
Hi all
ameise, I really think you described this so well. I guess most of us know this cycle of up and down. I also noticed that I am often much more positive when I am in the state of healing, than when I am actually healed.... .
Supervixen, I am sorry about your picking. I have realized to stop this takes a long time. Small steps at a time. The most important thing is to not give up.
Moratorium - your posts really scare me. You sound so depressed. I hope you know yourself well enough to realize when things become so dangerous that it is better to ask for supervision of some kind to ensure you will not harm yourself or kill yourself.
Wishing you all the best.
hoppe
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Post by moratorium on Apr 2, 2005 13:55:46 GMT -5
Hi ameise, hoppe and Alice, ameise thanks so much for your post, you articulated that disengaged sense of inertia so well. Having accomplished so many pick-free days I also had this terrible ominous feeling that the only way to go was down and today I had a major relapse. I anticipated it last night when my anxiety levels became intolerable and thoughts of hanging myself kept flashing through my mind, I sated my disturbance by cutting myself with a blade. The cuts from a few weeks back aren't completely healed so these were cuts layered on top of existing cuts and I fell asleep bathed in blood. Today was no better as I launched into a needlessly destructive picking session. I am seething with anger at myself because there was hardly anything to pick at and now I bear the emblematic trace of bloody nail marks. I am hardly a shining advocate for any of my chart initiatives that's for sure! ameise, you should be thankful you got out at 18 days! I'm such a mess and I have no one to turn to. hoppe, thanks for your benevolent words of concern. I really don't feel safe. |
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pamela
Full Member
got to get behind the mule,every morning and plow (tom waits)
Posts: 118
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Post by pamela on Apr 2, 2005 18:25:31 GMT -5
:)Dear girls,mora,supervixen,dr princess,well,just anybody reading this post, ameise, I haven’t been posting because I just messed everything up,and now I have one side of my face completely smooth and my other cheek looks like it has been attacked by rats. Supervixen is it you who is pregnant? I’m also an addicted to the wound and heal cycle…how sick is that? I ‘ve just made a research and found a very interesting text written about albert camus on the sysyphus myth. AND I hope also that those not picking emptiness will transform itself into another more valuable and creative thing. Dear Mora, I just want you to feel I feel so much like you,I know how you feel, just try to find someone,not that therapist ,or just log in here and post, or maybe a friend, I wish we were closer and could see each other, you have us to turn to! Pleas don’t feel lonely and don’t think about doing any nonsense.You know?sometimes I think this is some kind of strange karma we have to suffer from other previous life,look at us,we are really sensitive,mostly artistic,creative,loving,and I think this really is a process of learning something and maybe thinking that it will have an end would make us fee l relieved wouldn’t it? ( I guess a 80 years old couldn’t pick could she?) ok girls I love you thanks for being there…<br>pam this is a link of me and my kids in easter…with my makeup of course tinypic.com/2k0749 |
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Post by ameise as guest on Apr 3, 2005 18:51:47 GMT -5
Mora,
I just read your post that you don't feel safe now... I hope you do find someone you can turn to - whether it is your aunt, or your lover-therapist, or someone else, even a counselor you don't know...
please take care of yourself... you remind me of a friend of mine -- like her, you seem to have really acute intelligence & a great ability to point out the funny side of even the dark and weighty things. your posts make me laugh & feel sad -- it's a great talent to be able to recognize and express both of those sides of the experience of living... it is clear to all of us on the board that you are an extraordinary person.
please try to find a way to keep yourself safe.
ameise
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Post by drprincess on Apr 4, 2005 17:05:29 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
I hope everyone is plugging along on there journey. I worked out yesterday(40 minutes on eliptical trainer, and 30 minutes weight lifting). I felt so refreshed, cleansed and calm afterwards. I will probably go workout later on this week at a public gym, unlike this time i just went to my apartment gym where there was only 1 other person there(for my exposure therapy).
I hadn't picked for since the last time i posted, but i did yesterday a little right before i went to go workout. I picked a little at a blackhead, underneath by gradually fading pink scar on my chin. I guess it was that perfectionistic side of me that came out, but i stop it
before it got to far. Overrall, i feel good, my picking has stopped to almost a minimum now. And the few times that i do pick a liittle, I am able to keep it in perspective and stop myself before it gets out of control.
I also feel i am growing from the inside out. I do not beat myself up like i used to before(mentally). I am also able more than ever to take things as they come. Sometimes i just take it one day at a time.
loves to all, and take care of yourselves
drprincess
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Post by drprincess on Apr 4, 2005 17:25:29 GMT -5
Hi everyone again,
My computer keeps logging me off, so i have to post fast and a little at a time. Mora, I just wanted to let you know that i will continue to pray for you. It is harder to live in the middle, than to live on the extremes of life for some people. Life in general is not meant to be black and white, it is infact "gray or even colorful" for the most part. When you discover that for yourself, you will find it to be the most beautiful and liberating feeling. Even with this self-discovery, you will forget and resort to the black and white/extreme thinking, and that is ok, as long as you continure growing, learning, and maturing which is possible only when you live life in the middle. The more i live and experience, the more i realize that nothing in life is set in stone, and nothing is about you and everything is about god, especially our bodies. When we realize this, we discover happiness and when we forget this we are usually unhappy.
Hope it helps,
drprincess
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Post by Supervixen on Apr 5, 2005 8:41:29 GMT -5
Hi everyone! Pamela, you and your kids are beautiful!!! I like having a face to put to your posts Just a quick hello - Mora, I hope you are feeling more positive about yourself? I can't seem to write anything without it sounding cheesy (everyone here appears to be slightly more eloquent than me!) but honestly, you deserve to be happy. I have managed to not pick since my last post (3 days?) so I'm feeling quite pleased with myself and my skin's looking quite good now. I've just dyed my hair a lovely bright red so that helps by taking any attention away from my blemishes! Love to you all Alice xXx |
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Post by moratorium on Apr 5, 2005 10:21:30 GMT -5
Hello my fellow Sisyphean denizens! I apologise that my last post was so laden with histrionics. I wish I could adopt the clearheaded temperance you all so admirably wield in the face of adversity: be it likening yourself to a rat-bitten Camusian researcher or reaching for the stars on an 'elliptical trainer'. I continually opt for a lack-lustre ergogenic showing on the Stygian stepper, each step levying a perpendicular descent into the bowels of infernal narcissism. As you can imagine, such customised equipment is not easily found at any apartment gyms. And certainly not with a calorie burner affixed. pamela, thanks so much for your empathetic words. I do feel desperately isolated (albeit of my volition) but I must say, I feel something akin to social inclusion when I look at your immensely sweet family pic! What a beautiful family you have pamela, I wish I were part of it - but I fear I lack the requisite flip-flops. It's too chilly to indulge in such footwear here, indeed it may open up a whole new pick-risk exposing that added ounce of bear toe flesh. ameise, thank you too for your ceaseless kind-heartedness. You too are an extraordinary person with such insight, eloquence, grace and of course the rare ability to effusively compliment me with such persuasion it would indeed be remiss of me to rebuke such truisms. I'm just kidding... hehe... I don't even qualify for the accolade of having 'Borderline Personality Disorder'! I am so touched that you would take the time to express such kindness, especially given the sorrow and upheavals you are facing in your own life. I am sincerely sorry to hear about your dog. I hope he found salvation from his sickness and has an 'elliptical trainer' of his own in canine heaven. drprincess, I love to hear how you are. I look forward to putting my fusiform gyrus to the test with the discovery of these diaphanous colours of life you report. I'm inspired to read how you feel you have grown from the inside and by a fanciful domino effect have explicitly converted inner strength into pumping iron! You are formidable drprincess. Who wouldn't wish to be in your capable hands having contracted a critical illness? I am overwhelmed you made a point of praying for me! I don't think I've ever been bestowed with such liturgical generosity. I am a self-confessed atheist amateur, but I will attempt to reciprocate and pray you continue on your journey of self-discovery, edification weight-training and scar-fading. Alice, you are lovely and not in the least bit ineloquent! Well done on 3 pick-free days. I'm sure your new 'flame-haired vixen' persona will give Shirley Manson a run for her money. As you can see from my chart I haven't been doing so well since my relapse but things have been very traumatic for me so I'll try to accept my transgressions and look forward. I won't dwell too much on my solipsistic pathos but I was very close to snuffing my lamentable candle. I literally found myself at death's door. Apologies if this is disturbingly graphic, but I made another attempt to hang myself and could feel myself blacking out while my whole body went limp, had it not been for a dramatic insurgent survival instinct which somehow amassed the strength to untie the ligature it would most certainly have been fait accompli. I called my psychologist and he advises that I should be referred to a clinic for convalescence. I'm not sure what to do at present, I'm still very much in shock and find myself shaking with fright in reminiscence. I've been picking very badly too, it has a familiarity I find comforting at this time of self-mortification. I'm going to try to at least salvage something from this 21 day trial as piecemeal while I try to find some parity. Wishing you all a flourishing existence with many a pick-free interregnum. Love, Mora. |
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Post by hoppe on Apr 5, 2005 14:01:37 GMT -5
Pamela - Thanks for sharing your picture. You look so lovely and your kids too! I wish you could overcome this completely and be able to enjoy your life with your kids. Hoping, you are doing well!
drprincess - congratulations on your progress! It is always wonderful to read about how someone is doing well. Wishing you that it lasts!
Mora - I am scared and relieved by your post. Good that you asked for and will get help. But girl - what are you doing to yourself? DON'T DO THAT. GET RID OF THAT NYLON ROPE OR WHATEVER IT WAS. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are so valuable. No reason to kill youself. I know how the despair of the moment can overwhelm you. The same has happened to me a lot of times. But remember that it will go over. Please!
hoppe
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