Two-headed CSP Colouring Chart

[pamela]

::)Dear everybody,Alice,Mora,Dr.Princess,needshelp
How are you doing?
I'm doing fine overall,didn't pick and let spots heal.I think there's such a close relation between my hormonal cycle and my picking, I know this is not something new, but I've noticed that if I get through those pms days when I do the majority of the damage, then maybe I could have a month of non picked skin.
The oddest thing is that when my skin looks just a little bit better I feel so outgoing even if i have the scars,I speak to everybody and don't care about them.I feel so multiple-personality sometimes.
So Mora,you did not pick right? wonderful!
Haven't you all noticed a change in our picking habits since this horrible compulsion started.In my case, I think all of this nightmare started by squeezing tiny blackheads from my nose,then went on with the rest of my face.There were time a couple of years ago, that I picked so bad,even ALL night,with blood dripping from my face,really damaging my skin. Sometime I wonder how did my poor face to recover ,that's a proof of how nature wonderfull is. I'm getting 29 this year!
Then this picking attacks went different,more "technical could I say? like some kind of crazy surgeon rubbing spots with alcohol,tweezers,then ointment.
I hope maybe this change in habits gets to an end of non picking,I've read in some thread of women who had like cycles and then stopped.
Moratorium: as many of us here I think you have the craziest situation going on with this man.The point is if he really loves you ,or if he is also attracted to you by your own fears and psychological characteristics.
Can you possibly speak to anyone who could advice you? In an objective way.
Of course the fact that he was your aunt's partner for so long is another controversy.
What you should do anyway is follow your heart,follow what you feel in the bottom of our hearts we know if we are doing right or wrong.
My picking stopped me so many times from going to dates, doing a lot of things I wanted.I've been so lonely hiding beyond this face.

Ok people love you all
congratulations needshelp for your non picking.
Pam

[moratorium]

Hi everyone,

Pamela, I'm really pleased to hear you've amassed some healing time. I wholeheartedly relate to the picking-PMS correlation, I have done some of the most destructive damage when ensnared by a pre-menstrual flare-up. I have now come to view my endocrine system as very duplicitous! Like a cunning matador it waves a red flag of pustules at you for you to chase only for them to be seditiously whipped away having exerted so much energy stampeding at them.

I really loved your description about the evolution of picking habits. Especially the progression to 'technically' proficient picking... LMAO! I have ice trays, topical antibiotics, creams and a whole box of sterilised needles at hand in the event of a pick emergency. Not to mention the almost billiard-like precision of where to apply nail pressure in order to unload a specific pore.

I too have endured many nights of bloodthirsty savagery. Some of the most traumatic nights of my life were orchestrated by my own self-inflicted propulsion.

Thanks for your words of encouragement, unfortunately my 16 day clear-run has been relinquished. I only picked at one spot and didn't use it as a license to dive in with wanton abandon as I had been doing regularly before I began this audit. It was a spot which I'd caused by picking at something tiny and nondescript just before I started the trial and which had come to a head, begging for intervention. I regarded it as 'unfinished business' and just couldn't balk at the temptation. I really hope I can make it the last 4 days without further decline.

Welcome back drprincess, it's great to hear how you're doing. You have such an astute perspective on this disease. I'm so glad it isn't governing your life as it did and that you've made a new acquaintance from your dalliance with dating.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

Love,

Mora.

[drprincess]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind words moratorium. Through introspection and therapy, i now fully realize that our problem is a disease that can manifest itself in different ways, so until we work from the inside out, it is likely to come back. Being at work and school actually helps me take the focus off of me and on to something or somebody else. It is a form of healing in itself. The dating was my therapist idea(part of exposure theapy), it was extremely hard to do, but my personal growth is so important to me, that this time i was willing to do it.

Pamala there is some correlation between skin picking and our menstrual cycle. Most people do break out during those time, and people like us tend to pick also.
I just take extra precautions at least a week in advance.

I picking has improved dramatically, especially on my face, but i still picked a little today. I decided to just to continue on my cycle, so that next time i can do the 21 day program with you guys next time until i can completely be pickfree, and my behavior is a result of my work from the inside out.


Loves to all,
drprincess

[moratorium]

drprincess,

It's so delightful to hear your positive insights. I hope the improvements you've instigated can carry you through with forward momentum.

I've been feeling rather forlorn of late. Sometimes I feel that it's such an uphill struggle that there's little point in continuing the fight. It takes so much endeavour just to reach a level of function most people take for granted. I hate being at the behest of my execrable skin! I keep trying to remind myself of the bigger picture - the fact the skin is the largest organ of the body which principally serves as a protective barrier, for which I should by some token be thankful! There is a provocative TV show here in the UK called 'Anatomy For Beginners' which airs public autopsies of dead bodies, in one episode the whole skin of a corpse was extracted and it was quite an eye-opener (although if memory serves, the actual eyes remained firmly embedded ;D). Please don't click on this link if you are squeamish, but it illustrates with graphic extortion just what a curious organ it is!

With that in mind, I really don't feel like picking at all now. I think I've shocked myself into remission. I really will try anything.

[Aydrien13]

I must say that link was rather nasty. I am new to the board. I just stumbled upon it yesterday actually. I knew that my picking was a problem but I just brushed it off as a bad habit. I can see now the real hold it has over my psyche. I have started to note when I pick my cuticles or lips. I generally am either very bored or stressed. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13 and went to different counselors the following years. That is all pretty much water under the bridge because last year I got treated using a strange method which entailed tapping acupressure points and using my inner energy to create positive thoughts and get rid of, or deal with, the bad thoughts. I'm not sure what the method is called I just know that it was the best treatment I ever had and it cured me. I can talk more about this later but what I wanted to say was that I did not have the picking as bad then as I do now. It is probably because I was beating up on myself so much mentally that I didn't need any other things for coping. I have tried many times in this year alone to stop picking but I have only succeeded in stopping the nail peeling and starting to pick my ears. It just seems that my body wants a certain amount of stimulation and so it transferred to something else. After coming to this site and seeing that I was not alone and that it was more serious than I had previously though I have decided to try the 21 day program too. Since I pick more places than my face and this is my first real attempt at quitting I am trying to take gradual steps. In my planner I have outlined my goals and for 11 days I have 4 hearts drawn on each day. I divided up my days into 4 hour sections because it is hard for me to remember that I am not supposed to pick for a whole day. So every 4 hours I color a heart either red (good) or black (bad). When I get down to 10 days I made 2 hearts because I plan to be doing a lot better by then. For today I already had to color one black because I found myself picking this morning. It is very disheartening when you find that you are picking and don't even realize it. Well I had better get off of here because this is getting awfully long and I don't want to bore you. I will keep you posted on how everything goes. Have a great day!

[Supervixen]

Hi everyone ;D
Hope your all doing ok?

Hi Aydrien! Reading your post, I recognised so many similarities between us! For example, I have to split my days up too, and I use the same colours (red=good, black=bad!!). And what you said about your body needing 'a certain amount of stimulation' and so you transfer picking from one part to another. I can sort of relate to that; if I'm not picking my face, I chew up the inside of my mouth or develop weird blinking habits (I've had these since I was little and can usually control them now but if I'm stressed or tired they start again - I feel a bit freakish now!)

Until recently, I too put my picking down to just an annoying (and depressing) habit. It seemed to pale in significance compared to other problems I've had (anorexia, depression, bulimia). Sure, I got upset over it and some days I wouldn't leave the house because of it. But until I found this board, I didnt acknowledge it as a serious problem. Now I've conquered all my past problems, my picking seems to have stepped up in intensity too. I've been picking my face probably since I was about 12 (don't remember the actual first time I picked) but its only become really bad in the past 2-3 years, which is about how long I've considered myself 'cured' from the other problems. So thinking about it, there's probably an element of 'transference' there too.

Blah! Sorry to ramble on, I was thinking while typing.

I'm starting the chart again because I've been really crap. I kept finding myself sat in front of the mirror again with a box of cotton buds on my lap . I haven't picked for a day now. My aim is to make it pick-free for a week. I'm going to a Garbage gig on weds 30th (6 days away ;D) and the thought of going with a red scabby face is just too horrific to consider. So I've GOT to manage it.

Good luck and loads of love
Alice

PS I changed my name, I was bored of tallulah!

[Shadowkitty]

Excellent post. I printed off a copy of the chart and the writings on "How to change a habit." Thank you so much for your post.

[drprincess]

Hi everyone,

Glad to see everyones renewed since of strength and courage. I have been pickfree for a total of 6 days now. The other days i have picked a little, but nothing like i used too. At this point, i am discovering that this truely is going to be a journey for me. It is more important to me that i grow, learn, and gain wisdom from my failures than to be completely pickfree, because i truely believe the inner growth is going to provide me more lasting and successful results in the future.

Moratoruim, thanks again for your kind words, you truely are an angel. I feel your pain. You seem so intelligent, wise, and insightful. I have a feeling there is far more to you than just your skin picking. I hope and pray that by the end of this program, we all will realize our own potential and beauty. Moratoruim, I have to actually break out the dictionary to read your post(excellent vocabulary).

Loves to all,
drprincess

[moratorium]

Hi Alice, drprincess and pamela, welcome Aydrien and Shadowkitty,

Sorry for alarming you with that gruesome anatomy pic Aydrien! My skin obsession exceeds the bounds of decency and coupled with my morbid fixation, I really am the target market for televisual autopsies.

As you say, CSP is by its very nature dissociative, manifesting as an almost subconscious need to gratify the nervous system through tactile satiety (ergo picking the skin to smithereens!) Therefore, it can come as quite a shock to tap 'skin picking' into your browser and discover you are one of many in a virtual diorama of cuticle and epidermis abuse.

I too used to pick my lips until they bled. I have naturally very dry lips and I would find myself doing it nearly every other day constituting what amounted to a bilabial production line of variegated scabs.

I still do it sometimes but I found a way of exfoliating my lips by using a hot towel to gently remove the dry layer which serves as a preemptive strike against my unruly fingers.

I am pleased you have found some alleviation from your depression by unleashing your 'chi'. I sometimes think my 'inner energy' is tantamount to a crumbling nuclear reactor. Aydrien, I really admire your courageous initiative to tackle this affliction. I hope all of your hearts so far have a reddish hue!

Alice, it's great that you are starting afresh. It shows tremendous fighting spirit, it's going to take a lot of initial self-doubt and discovery to find a tenable way of keeping this compulsion at bay.

I have battled with eating disorders and laxative abuse also, I believe this bodily abuse is perhaps an etiological factor for my bad skin. I need to rebalance my digestive flora so I've started taking a probiotic. There is some medical thinking that links overgrowth of candida and depletion of good bacteria to various skin problems.

I really hope the Garbage gig proves to be a good incentive to leave your skin to the beguilement of the natural healing process. You managed to give up smoking, you can give up the buds too!

drprincess, well done on completing 6 days pick-free. That is absolutely fantastic. I am so impressed and inspired by your perspicacious musings. Sometimes I feel like such a lost cause battling all of these maladjustments. You are such a kind-hearted critical care nurse drprincess! I really can't stress enough how touching your posts are. I had a nightmarish day yesterday nearly culminating in yet another suicide attempt. I'm so sick of feeling I have to apologise for who I am. Why should I feel so ashamed just because I don't have the wherewithal to get through life without showing outward signs of distress? I was sat on the train, my anxiety levels skyrocketing betwixt all the well-to-do passengers around me who seemed so sure of their destinations. I am not fortunate enough to be able to conceal my fragility with the obdurate carapace so many seem to employ. I had horrible flashbacks of childhood experiences I'd hitherto repressed and cried so hard the whole journey that I'd effected complete make-up removal when it came time to alight. The red marks on show contriving to produce a fully operative, back-up signaling system.

I sincerely hope we can all find strength and edification from our communal struggle. Journeys are hard to face alone.

My almost-complete 21 day chart, onwards and upwards to the next 21 days.

Oh and by the way, happy Easter everyone!

[moratorium]

Hello,

I just wanted to post to report that I completed my first 21 day trial and although I'm going through some turbulent times, feel I have rediscovered my self-discipline and am seeking to trammel the link between my emotional anxieties and picking without due care at my defenseless pores.

I am currently going through a vociferously suicidal spell and feel at great risk. I have a nylon rope with which I have experimented and used to induce loss of consciousness.

My skin is looking the best it has done in months thanks to this renewed sense of accountability for my actions but it does not seem to assuage the insufferable pain I feel. Sometimes I fear I may have auto-prosopagnosia (inability to recognise your own face) because I stare for hours at any slight change in the skin surface in a state of perturbed panic. It's almost as if these tiny variations render me unrecognisable, hence leading to a need to attack the putative intruder.

I feel so sick of being imperiled by these senseless, circular thought patterns.

I'm also extremely confused by the relationship I am having with my psychologist. I feel so indebted to him for all of the extra time he has invested to help me. He is so charming and I feel as if I am an ingrate if I don't accept his advances.

Sorry for my diffuse ramblings. I have also accomplished one pick-free day for my second 21 day audit.

[hoppe]

Mora -

You scare me with that nylon rope. Please, get rid of it! I hope you are telling your psychologist what is going on inside of you! And I would think it might be time to find another psychologist - I don't think this one can treat you under these circumstances! I think you should consider whether this relationship is what you want. I believe that you might have some (subconscious) idea that he can 'save you' - after all he is a psychologist, he likes you despite knowing about all your dark secrets etc. - but be careful. He is also only human. And another thing, don't feel indebted to him. If he invests extra time to help you, then that is his own decision. He is an adult and responsible for his actions. You don't owe him anything! And you certainly don't have to be with him just because he has devoted so much time to help you.

I am really hoping you are getting out of this dark hole soon. Are you taking any medication? Getting any other help besides seeing this psychologist?

Wishing you sunshine and inner peace.

hoppe

[Supervixen]

^
*agreeing with what hoppe says*
Please throw that rope away! Or cut it up really small. I worry about you with it.

Hi everyone. I've just been crap at avoiding picking. It's almost like I've given up. I haven't even started the chart again.
But on a happy note, I've just found out I'm pregnant ;D
Its early days so I'm trying not to get too excited, but at least that explains my ultra moodiness (hah! and I blamed it on pmt!!) and why I've been so tired and down lately. I've just told my mum (who I was dreading telling - I don't know why, I just 'sense' the disapproval!) and she was actually quite cool with it so thats a HUGE relief.
My skin's playing up quite a lot so I'm finding it really hard not to pick, even with my garbage gig just 2 days away. I have NO willpower at the moment aaaaaaah.
I think I may leave the chart for a week and come back to it afresh when I feel stronger, otherwise I'm just setting myself up for a failure. I will do it, just not right now.
Loads of love xXxXx

[moratorium]

Hoppe,

Thank you so very much for your incredibly kind post. It evoked so much in me that someone would take the time to express such compassion. I draw so much inspiration from all of your posts Hoppe, you are such a sensitive and acutely bright CSP heroine.

It shows such altruistic self-abnegation that you make a point of offering support to those in distress while you yourself are firmly engaged in a truculent battle with life. Hoppe you are such a wonderful person! I am periodically rapt by your heart-rending ZT diary and often weep or exalt along with your accounts. I hope you don't find it morally objectionable that you have acquired something of a 'readership'. But considering my current state of mind, consider it to be a death-bed confessional.

I really hope you too can get through the nadir you are grappling with. My psychologist knows all about my 'Thanatos' (death instinct) but takes a rather sanguine stand on such matters as befitting his '70% success rate'! I think in a roundabout way, I perhaps initiated the romance because I am by nature quite recalcitrant (especially when in the thrall of schemata assessment) and flirtation became an emotional guard. I'm not on any meds because he doesn't have the authority to prescribe them nor the conviction as he believes chemical imbalances are a somatic symptom - whereas his ethos is to treat the emotional cause.

In answer to your question, I have no other support network. I am a very anti-social creature and find it difficult letting people get close to me.

Alice, congratulations on your pregnancy. Charts are unimportant when your ovular chambers are taking centre stage! I'm really pleased for you. I hope you enjoy the gig. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, you're making quite a few demands of your body at the moment - it's probably best to go at your own pace and not raise your stress levels. Sometimes pregnancy can really improve the complexion. I'm sure you'll be sporting the radiant glow of fertility in next to no time.

Take care everyone.

Love,

Mora.

[hoppe]

Hi Mora

I just wanted to respond to your kind words - thank you. It is true, I am myself battling with life, since I am suffering from severe depression and am often overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts. But that does not mean that my heart does not go out to erveybody here. I wish I could do more for the people on this board than write a few words .... . So many people here suffer so much. It often breaks my heart. If I - someday, somehow - might get in possession of a great deal of money, I would seriously consider spending them on building the picker's retreat. Maybe you remember we talked about it a long time ago, when you were doing your first successful 21-day attempt?

By the way, I wonder what your psychologist means with a 70% success rate? Only 30% of his patients killed themselves? Sorry, if I am morbid. I remember asking my psychologist once, if he ever had a patient who killed him/herself, and I was really relieved when he said no. I do not want to become the first one.

Sincerely hoping you are feeling better!

hoppe

[moratorium]

HI hoppe,

You are such a sweetheart! I feel so much for what you have endured in your life and the trials you continue to face. It really is heartbreaking to consider that there are so many others also encumbered by such recurrent conflictual self-injury. I'm so glad there is a board of this nature where people can absolve themselves of the shame of this cloistered behaviour. It's so easy to fall into a trap of self-castigation and guilt, but more and more I am beginning to feel that what we express through this self-destructive propensity is an entirely 'natural' reaction to a very basic denial of unconditional love and parental attachment (a finite commodity given the industrial socioeconomic pressures of the modern world.) Your story is particularly moving hoppe, you have shown such fortitude to withstand such a harrowing journey. It makes me incandescent with sorrow that such a precocious and sweet soul as yourself was dealt such a hand, what chance did you stand at not incurring inner stirrings of severe depression? I am also feeling increased anger towards my own family for the lamentable upbringing they deigned to ascribe me, for too long I have taken the blame for my maladaptive flaws. I honestly believed I deserved all of the abuse and that it was completely justifiable. Just like animals in captivity who develop a host of neuroses e.g overgrooming and self-attack we too objectify ourselves and act out our pangs of dissatisfaction.

It is only common sense that our bodies will also be at greater risk for various ailments and skin disorders due to the burdensome anxiety levels and depressive diminution of our natural homeostasis. It really is no wonder our skin flares up when we are so imbalanced emotionally and physically. Again, what chance did we stand? Born into a dank miasma of familial dysfunction tempered with indentured guilt. How can our systems ever hope to find parity? It'd take one hell of a detox that's for sure!

I apologise for my het up tirade. I got rather over-animated.

I would love the utopian prospect of such a picker's retreat. Here's hoping you undergo a windfall! ;D

I didn't dare ask what happened to the remaining 30%... hehe...

Sending you clement weather and beaming neuronal membranes (well I don't want to go overboard. I'm a suicidal soothsayer. )

Love,

Mora.