Two-headed CSP Colouring Chart

[moratorium]

Hello fellow dematillomaniacs,

I've been sucked into a vortex of intractable, destructive impulses and I'm struggling to find a way out. I'm currently having to nurse several deep subcutaneous infections due to my onerous brand of CSP-induced, epidermal disquiet.

I feel so ashamed that I can't control this insatiable ruction in my personality, whereby I submit myself to the lurid pursuit of extracting endless reams of bodily matter from any available pore, or if the law of diminishing returns kicks in, a self-made hole bored into the skin. It is so insane, moreso due to the fact I derive an almost auto-erotic pleasure from it while in the throes of a trance. I fervently scramble, my hands employed in a tactile search, hunting the next fix. Even despite any vigilant misgiving that doing so will almost certainly lead to scarring/skin injury which will socially hinder every aspect of my life for a good week or so.

My cheeks are presently raw from self-inflicted damage, but I'm actually loathed to renounce my former actions because I know I was so powerless to the thrill of the habitual craving.

Forgive me for basting the board with this self-indignant drivel. It's just I came here once before at a troubled time and the support I received was unparalleled. It really helped me to refocus and look skywards rather than simply mirror-bound. I'm not sure if anyone remembers but I actually managed to relinquish the habit for a good while with a 21 day moratorium. Things held up pretty well, but as this is a lifelong impulse control disorder, when complacency creeps in, exacerbated by raised anxiety levels (in my case, thanks to experiencing a penetrative case of transference with my psychologist) back come the interminably pernicious coping mechanisms.

It really is so touching, the level of mutual support on this board. I need to make myself accountable for my skin in some way, so once again I return here with a new masterplan and new colouring chart.

I knocked this up just now to provide me a 21 day audit of my skin picking. I realise only now quite how disturbing this thing looks (it entails a day-by-day two-headed hydra to represent pick-free or CSP days with a facial pie-chart to collate the results of the trial!) Only someone with a severe case of skin preoccupation could come up with such a grotesquery.

21 DAY CSP AUDIT COLOURING CHART

Feel free to print it out and join me in this endeavour if you choose. The idea is to colour in one of the heads each day (representing either a picked face or an unscathed face) and try to attain more pick-free than CSP days. Then start again for another 21 days to try to improve on/maintain the results.

UPDATE:

Thanks so much everyone for the responses and support. You can see how my chart is shaping up here.

I also felt rather exclusive for neglecting the body pickers among us so I devised this alternate chart - I'm ashamed to say it's equally as twisted if not moreso than the one above. The proviso is you either colour in the box with the morose, forlorn picker or Venus De Milo - the most fêted celebration of imperfection in history, with a Venus pie-chart for the results. if this isn't indicative of mental decline I don't know what is...

[MonDoTwisteDMoJo]

Your vocabulary is very impressive ;D That really is a little grotesque, lol, very creative though. So i guess the worse you are during the 21 days, the more wounded that final pieface turns out to be. I would not find it very motivating personally- I would not have porcelain smooth skin like that if I did not pick for a day, lol. But eventually, I might- I am afraid to try though.

[Supervixen]

O my god the colouring chart is so cool!
Iv just printed it off and il start it tommorrow.
Thanks!

[JustMe]

I, too, printed a copy. Thank you.

[moratorium]

Hi Tallulah and JustMe, thanks so much for joining me in my absurd skin chronicle! It really makes me feel less demented. I'm so pleased you found some vague interest in the chart. I'd be really intrigued to see your results, I know how hard it is to abstain from the intransigent compulsion to pick. You have my utmost support.

MonDoTwisteDMoJo, you are right, it is rather an unorthodox motivator I do concede. When I emerge from a post-dissociative picking episode I am sometimes transported into an altered state of mind fueled by the guilt and lamentation for the self-injurious frenzy I've just wrought, I lose all sense of coherence and twisted charts like the above ensue! I can offer no feasible explanation for why I have now made myself answerable to a 'pieface' but I was really at a loose end. hehe...

I certainly empathise with the notion that 'porcelain smooth skin' can seem like an unattainable pipe-dream regardless of whether you indulge your picking impulses or not, and CSP can often serve as a defense mechanism. I know sometimes when my skin flares up I can feel so out of control and in lieu of trying to remain sangfroid, simply see it as a carte blanche invitation to take back the reigns of power, by being the arbiter of my own skin damage. The 'well my skin looks like crap anyway' mentality. Unfortunately, this same maxim is the reason why having ridden the storm of a particularly enterprising outbreak, I now find myself with the added golden handshake of self-cultivated, inflammatory cysts. My skin is so fair that under harsh unnatural lighting (the type skin pickers tend to gravitate towards) I can not only make out the faint outline of my vascular system, but also benign, harmless sebum build-up indicative of a functioning external organ. Which by a fanciful leap of logic, I then seek to liberate through a series of maladroit incisions.

Learning to 'accept' ones flaws rather than launch a full frontal attack would seem to be the idyl. If only it were that simple, perhaps supplicating to 'pieface' idol-worship is the closest I'll get...

[drprincess]

I am interested in doing the 21 pickfree program, I think it is great, gives us enough time to reflect, learn and grow without the picking constantly getting in the way.
I remember the last time you did it and it was great, you did really well. As long as we work on ourselves from the inside out, and keep doing the 21 day program until it becomes a healthy lifestyle for us, it will be a great jump start.

I will try to post everyday, if you want maybe we can sponsor each other(like the 12 step program) via email/phone.

I am determined to start working out again and enjoying the outdoors. It is very therapeutic for me and I also love it very much(I guess because of the endorphin release). I just want to clear up my face before I start, because in the past the sweat, humidity, and dirt actually aggravated my broken out areas, even when I showred immediately.

I wrote an inspirational paragraph, which has really helped view my body in a different way. A way in which it takes the focus off of me and on to god. I think it has really helped me. I wrote it under the title "dissociation" under therapy/meds section, if you guys want to read it.

Thanks so much, let me know what you guys think?
one day at a time,
drprincess

[moratorium]

Hi drprincess,

How wonderful to hear from you. It's so sweet that you remember my last exercise in self-discipline. I was very touched by your 'our bodies are like temples' paean, I've been treating mine more like a crack house! Not in terms of drug storage, but overall real estate value.

I'm so inspired to hear of your determination. I too have been very lax about exercising, I was jogging five days a week but the inclination was trammelled by my miscreant skin sabotage. I feel so hampered by the scabrous crusts and red marks I've caused, I don't feel like running without make-up to hide them. I agree exercise unequivocally aids in overall well-being and thus vicariously in the condition of our much-maligned, much-scrutinized skin. Hopefully concentrating our minds on an end goal will also score a boost.

My skin at the end of my last 21 day foray and beyond was the best it's ever been. I think eliminating the stress of the punitive picking cycle helps immeasurably.

So far I've already managed two pick-free days and am feeling a lot more in control of my destiny towards the 21 day finale. I hope JustMe and Tallulah are doing OK. I adjusted the chart this time around so people can monitor themselves regardless of transgressions. Before I think the 21 day ascension was too intimidating. Gradualism is much better.

drprincess, we shall prevail in dissociating from our 'dissociation'.

[Supervixen]

Helloooo! Well done moratorium for your two pick free days ;D
Ok I managed one pick free day!!!
Hurrah me.
Then i went and ruined it by having a mighty big pick this morning
But at least I now know I can go for a whole 24 hours without picking. Next aim = 48 hours.
Iv stuck my funky chart up nxt to my bedroom mirror to remind me of my goal (my partner was like "what the hell is that?!" - but he's used to my weird habits by now!)
Also iv bought some of the new 'Clearasil Ultra Invisible rapid action treatment cream' which promises me 'visibly clearer skin in JUST 3 DAYS!!!' - whatever, but at least i feel like im helping any spots that appear instead of immediately attacking them.
And iv just had my nails done so im hoping my new falsies will slightly hamper the picking process, or at least make me more aware of what im doing with my hands.
Sooo il let you know in 48 hours if iv managed to stay pick free.
Good luck everyone

[drprincess]

Good going Talluah, and of course moratorium!!! I didn't pick today. I had my big ulcerated zit on my chin covered with neosporin and advanced healing bandaid. It is amazing how i mangage to do so well when i don't have to look at the mirror.

I will be going to school tomorrow(in the nurse practioner program). Sometimes I feel so ashamed that I have been a critical care nurse for almost 6 years and half thru the nurse practioner program, yet i still can't get control over my skin picking. That is why i am thoroughly convinced that it a multi-faceted diseased that needed to be treated in a multi-facited manner.

Remember our bodies are our temples given to us by god, we are not in control, I will pray for all of us. We can be beat this, we just have to wise up and surrender and recognize how beautiful and unique, we really are on the inside and out.

Good luck tomorrow all you princesses
drprincesses.

[moratorium]

Hi drprincess and Tallulah,

Tallulah it's great that you managed one pick-free day! It really is quite a challenge to reform such ingrained habitual behaviour. But nothing is impossible and at least we are prepared to make a concerted effort to modify this troubling aspect of our lives, that is the biggest step.

I'm sorry to hear my warped chart gave your partner a fright! hehe...

There's loads of online literature about the 21 day strategy to break a bad habit. Here's some info I found.

How To Change A Habit

Experts agree it takes 21 days to break a bad habit and form a new one.

Daily Activities To Help Change Habits

"I should change, but I've tried and failed." Does this sound familiar? Often, changing habits does seem insurmountable. Many of us simply don't have enough motivation to change our habits - all of our bad habits - in a way that would truly affect our health. We cling to them because we see them as rewards. <br>
But your habits determine your health. Below is a strategy and focus on daily activities to help you change and eliminate bad habits.

It Takes 21 Days To Break A Bad Habit

To begin with, choose one unhealthy habit you wish to eliminate or change. Or, choose a healthy habit you want to adopt as part of your behavior. If it is a habit to eliminate, you may wish to go "cold turkey" or have a gradual tapering off. Caution: If it is a drug or chemical habit you are planning on eliminating, be sure to obtain an expert's opinion as to whether you need to taper off usage as opposed to quitting cold turkey.

Now that you have decided which unhealthy habit to eliminate, or new habit to adopt, decide on the date you will begin your behavior change. Give this date a good deal of thought and then write it down. For example, "On February 15, 2001, I will become a non-smoker."

In order to ensure behavior change, experts agree that it takes a minimum of 21 days to change a behavior. Again, look at the date you are planning on changing your habit. Count ahead 21 days and mark that date down. Now, make a commitment that you will follow your plan for 21 days. <br>
Helpful Suggestions

Your target date has arrived. It is the first day of your 21-day cycle. Here are some helpful suggestions for habit change:

Write down your goal. There is magic in the written word when it applies to you. Experts recommend stating your goal in positive terms, such as "I want to be lean and physically fit," instead of "I've got to get this flabby body out there huffing and puffing." So, begin with writing down, as a positive goal, the habit you will change.

List your reasons for changing or eliminating your habit. Writing it down will force you to think out in specific terms what this habit represents in your life and the meaning you believe your life will hold for you upon changing the habit. This will also help with your commitment toward taking positive action.

Find substitute routines. For example, if you are changing eating habits and you have identified a particularly difficult time of the day when eating habits are poor, create an activity, a new routine for that time.

Talk to yourself. Tell yourself you're making progress. Remind yourself that you are moving closer to your goal.. Talk to yourself throughout the day about how you are going to avoid triggers that can get you off track and make healthy substitutes. <br>
Recruit helpers for support. Explain to them why you are making this change. Ask for their support. Their support may be needed encouragement.

Be prepared for people who may sabotage your change. Be assertive and tell them what they are doing.

Sustaining Motivation

The following are some suggestions to follow each day in order to sustain motivation and determination:

Review your list of reasons for quitting or changing.

Create mental pictures of yourself as having already succeeded with your habit change.

Make affirmations, positive self-statements about your habit change. For example, "I am filled with so much health and vitality now that I exercise four times a week."

Reward yourself. Make up a list of self-rewards. Reward yourself verbally.

Remember to take one day at a time. If you do backslide, don't label yourself as having failed. Get out your list or reasons for quitting or changing and begin again.

Fatigue, boredom, depression, stress can all make it difficult to stick with your program. But having a relapse isn't as important as how you deal with the relapse. If you are so devastated by failure that you call your good intentions into question, that will make habit change harder for you. But, if you allow for an occasional relapse and treat it as nothing more than a slight misstep that teaches you something, then you're on the right track.

Follow the suggestions in this article, adopt the more helpful attitude of evaluating your progress and accepting relapses, and you will find yourself reaching many of your goals. You will have achieved true behavior change.

If nothing else, trying to counter the habit can allow for healing time and pause for thought. It really helped me when I did it last time.

drprincess, I hope all goes well at school, it's really wonderful that you're involved in such a commendable profession. You are more than deserving a little critical skin-care yourself, though not of the 'criticising every pore and irregularity' variety.

The bandaid is a masterstroke, the out of sight, out of mind ethos tends to be a formidable mental trick, that's partly the reason I don't pick at skin blemishes which are outside my visual periphery, they almost cease to exist when I can't obsessively examine them at close-range on the hour.

I'm pleased to report I managed a third pick-free day! Here's how my chart is looking.

Wishing you all the very best,

Mora.

[drprincess]

thank you moratorium for that wonderful article. I am working on the habit change workbook, and more specifically the body dysmorphic workbook along with my therapy. Most of the things that were mentioned in the article are in there, but I to keep reminding and retraining and relearning a new of life without the skin picking.

I have thought about something do with my hand, but I haven't figured that one out. Most us with this problem need to keep their hands busy when we feel the urge to pick, until we are transformed from the inside out. Keep up the good work and take care of yourselves, because we deserve it.

drprincess

[drprincess]

by the way it was my 2 day pick free.

one day at a time
drprincess

[Dreamer]

Moratorium,

First of all, your website and your chart are amazing! I really commend you for your taking initiative in stopping this madness. I am stuck, and hopefully this will help me get out of my rut.

All my best to everyone,

Dreamer

[shihui]

i totally agree with dreamer! moratorium, thank you for the effort you've put in to come up with the chart. i'm going to get it printed out!

[pamela]

;DDear Moratorium,
and of course everybody else.In first place, I want to congratulate moratorium for the the web site, the chart which I find so artistic, and for the language you use it's great.
I get to practice a lot of new words in your thread! About the chart,I do not dare to print it out since I'm afraid somebody would find it at my place: please read my three monsters.
In some way it's like comforting to know all of us are prisioners of this compulsion,and in other discouraging because just a few of us have managed to STOP!
I think I also have trouble with alcohol,I'm not like a drunk or anything but my father is and I think my habit will turn into an addiction,since I've tried to stop drinking my night wine and couldn't.Sometimes I think: well if I stop drinking I can still go on picking, Or stop picking and still drink,gosh this goes all day in my head and I realize what little attention I pay to my kids.
The other day, my five year old came into my room ( Of course I was in front of the computer) and told me: Hello mummy the mute! could you believe that? He's absolutelly right.I'm so absort in my own thoughts and absolutelly neglecting his time or playing with him.
Dear moratorium, the other time did you finish the 21 days without picking?
Well girls have to go now,It's so good to have a place to share our hourrendous stories.I think anybody who will read this will think we're nuts.
Anyway yesterday was my first free pick day.Hope to get to 21 days and have my face and my head cleared up for my daughters 8 year party.
lots of kisses
*pam*
Tallulah: how do you put the little video there?