A goal and some accountability.

[skigirl]

I have an interview coming up soon. The good thing is I don't know when the actual interview will be yet, just that I'll be called to schedule it within the next couple of weeks. This is a good thing because I plan to be completely ZT during the time up until my interview. I've been doing pretty well anyway. Picking cut down dramatically, mostly because I've been trying to get out of the house or do something when I feel the urge, take the kids to the park, run errands, whatever. So Friday, my usual down day, was completely pick free. I had a bad day today, it being my premenstrual pickfest day, but now that that's over and done with, I believe I can do this thing - go a couple weeks or a month, however long it will be until my interview. I want to have perfect skin that day. This seems overall like a bad time to really try and rid myself of a coping mechanism when I'm going through a divorce, school full time, work, and everything, but I figure if I can make it through something like this and not pick, then I can make it through anything. Plus, I never know when I could run into a really great guy, and I don't want it to be a day when my face is all messed up. When/if a good guy does come along, I want to be my full confident self. I've been pretty down lately, crying and everything, but I keep trying to tell myself I'm just in some sort of perpetual transition that will someday bring about a really happy life. Just need to do the work to get there, and the work starts with being better to myself. So my plan is to check in here every night, let y'all know how my day went. I want to be able to say one day after the next that I didn't pick all day. Wish me luck!

[metta]

Hey good luck with the interview. You sound depressed. If you have insurance, consider seeing someone. I got my first antidepressant scrips from a free clinic. Let your self be and feel beautiful. Know that you can affect other things in your life besides your skin. Nourish thyself, be gentle with yourself. You know that already. There is a part of us that seeks self destruction and part that seeks growth, like the negative and positive forces of ourselves fighting. Try listening to the positive side.

[skigirl]

I'm not depressed, really and truly. It would be more accurate to say that I'm scared shitless. Got to the point where I have absolutely no choice but to get a divorce, which is fine, except that I've got these three kids whom I love more than anything. I'm not just talkin like regular mom's love. I'm talkin like I love each of them as individuals, just the people they are. When I talk to people I know at school, I just want to show them my kids so they can see how wonderful they are, like the way I see them. All this rambling, and it's really that I'm afraid I'll lose them. My soon-to-be ex pretty much hates me, and I'm afraid he's going to take them. I just realized that it's always going to be like this now. Whenever he has them for his weekend, I'll be wondering if they're coming home. Every time he's 15 minutes late I'll be wondering if 15 minutes will turn into 4 hours, then I'll never see them again. He just took two of my kids shopping, and he seemed to be taking a long time, so I went for a run, instead of picking, and on my way home I sprinted for probably the last mile and a half, just because I thought I saw my car in the distance and I couldn't wait to see my kids' faces again.

So far, so good today, with the clear skin plan. I keep trying to refer back to my success at quitting smoking. At first it was really hard, then after a few weeks it was a relief to not smoke anymore. So I'm looking forward to that three-week feeling, then a couple months so I can feel like I've kicked this odd habit. When I get a new job outside the house I'm sure that'll make a difference too. I have so much good to look forward to, i'm just trying to work my ass off and get it done, keep it together in the meantime.

[Happyface!]

Having good goals is awesome.
My husband is away for a couple of weeks. That's the worst for me. After the kids go to bed, there's no one to distract me from spending hours with my face in the mirror. I got a job where I'm in public view 2 or 3 time per week, so that helps slow me down a bit, but I'm still terrified of my husband coming home to find my face has become one giant scab.
I therefore am also planning to work as hard as I can to stay pick free. Two weeks is a big goal for me since I can't go more than a couple of hours!
I wish you luck and look forward to hearing how well you're doing!

[skigirl]

So far, so good. Doing very well, actually. Skin looks great after just a couple days of leaving it alone. A couple times I felt the urge, but knowing I'd be coming on here tonight to say whether or not I had been successful was a pretty good deterent actually. Plus just reminding myself that I WANT pretty skin. I can accept the scars, nothing to be done about that now, but I'm sick of the damn red spots. Need to study more, then get my ass in bed. It's when I get really tired that I' vulnerable.

[skigirl]

Still holding up. Not because of lack of stress or anything - I mean, I think I did pretty bad on my midterm this morning. I started to fall asleep while taking the test, because I have a cold and took some allergy medicine last night - hoping it was allergies and NOT a cold. I have absolutely no tolerance for medications. But I do have very large lymph nodes on my neck - looks like I swallowed some marshmallows that got stuck. And of course my love life, or lack thereof, is a complete suckfest. What's a girl to do? With no sex even recent enough for memory, and absolutely no potential in the future, yeegads. Keep telling myself to just keep on keepin on. Kids, school, work. That's what I have time for, and that's most important. My skin looks really good. I haven't worn foundation but maybe twice in a couple weeks, and I really like the natural look. Don't get me wrong - I've got scars, but at least the fresh marks are healing, and I do have a pretty nice glow. If I do meet a guy, I want him to meet the real me - not the made-up, trying-to-be-perfect me. I'm all done with that, cuz I don't feel that insecure anymore.

[skigirl]

I think I've worn foundation maybe two days in the last two weeks. It's a really good feeling, and my skin looks better without it. Reality is that the foundation didn't cover enough to give a good illusion anyway, so it ended up looking like marks and makeup, not me. So I like this. My skin is looking good still - just had a couple minor nervous picks. Made it through my midterm and managed an A, then a quiz today that I did pretty well on too. Going out tomorrow night, which is something I rarely do. There's a concert on the river here, and that's something I've NEVER done, so even though I've never heard the band I think it'll be fun. And I'll get to meet some more people, so hopefully add to a friendship base. I'll need all the support I can get, and all the positive people with positive vibes I can get, just to make it through the next several months. I'm just trying to keep a positive focus.

[jediknight]

hi skigirl -i just wanted to say your an inspiration to me, you seem to be meeting alot of goals. i am new here, and also goin through a divorce and also have great kids whom i love more than words can say. i was in school and i also am just ending an internship and looking for a job. and ofcourse battling a skin picking obsession/problem. we may have alot in common. sounds like you are doing well. thats cool. take care

[skigirl]

Thanks for the kind words, JediKnight.

They say the way to break a habit is to replace it with another, more positive habit. I think I've started to do that pretty effectively. Had a sorta argument with my soon-to-be-ex, and I held up pretty well. But not only that, after all was said and done and he took off, I went and started to pick, just a little. But what stopped me is that I wasn't feeling the urge to pick so much as I was feeling the urge to run. I've tried exercise to stop picking before, but now that I've been doing it more, it's like running has become the stronger urge now. Ok, so probably I'm addicted to the neurochemical change that running brings on - endorphines, so I'm getting a similar release as with picking. I also get the chance to work through my thoughts while running. The difference is that running is way more satisfactory than picking, because I feel like I've accomplished something when I run. I still feel the urge to do it again the next day, just like with picking, but with running I can look at the distance I've gone. Also, I bathed my skin in sweat and rain and cold air, which has got to be much better than picking at it.

[skigirl]

Couple nights ago, didn't do so well. So I guess that was seven days, and my skin looked awesome. Looks good again, because after the bad monday, I haven't been back at it at all. Got the call for my interview and it's next week. I know I can make this, because I could never feel good about myself if I wondered for even a minute if I was judged by a couple marks on my skin. Even with picking, my face usually doesn't look too bad, but I don't want to even have it in the back of my mind - "I wonder if they can see the mark under my hair" And I just feel overall more self-confident when I haven't picked. It's weird how almost instant the positive effect is, with not picking, that I feel so much better. It's like when I pick and go into that zone, I'm never thinking positive, happy thoughts, so the picking puts me into the shame spiral. Even though I feel overwhelmed with everything going on all at once, it feels like I'm putting my life together completely, the way I want it to look.

[skigirl]

I am so totally holding on!!!! Just had a huge fight with my soon-to-be-ex husband. He went out and bought a brand-new truck that he so totally cannot afford, without my even knowing about it ahead of time. Went all out and plans on paying 550 a month for the damn thing. That's 550 a month that won't be going to food for our three kids. I'm mad about that, but this all serves as a reminder that there is something so totally wrong with this guy that he cannot or will not see it's more important to support your family than to have a new, expensive ride. Just puts more responsibility on my shoulders, but hey, what else is new. I can handle it. And I know he believes I can handle it too - and that he can't. Too damn sad. My kids will lose out, but all the more important for me to continue being a great mom, and maybe some day a great woman for a man who wants responsibility and is able to participate in a real relationship. I am so totally ready for my interview, to get into the program, to support my kids on my own if i have to, to meet a new guy, all of the good things coming my way finally. Because now I know I deserve it.

[brad]

Well, skigirl, keep holding on. Does your husband know you are giving him the boot? Most guys are smart enough to plan for a divorce by NOT accruing more debt while being married if there is a divorce looming.

Anyway, stick with your no-pick program. Just a few more days until your interview.